It's a long one folks- grab more Coffee. We got the tree and lights up last Sunday. In his regular Grinch like fashion, DH grumbled the whole time, but insisted he had to be the one to do it. The puppy kennel is in the hallway leading to garage where all the decorations are stored so I just said forget it, and decided nothing but lights would be on the tree. No village set up, no special plates either. It's still festive here, but not with all my years of accumulation. I had a pity party.
Every year I have visions of something else, some expectation of myself that I never quite live up to. Its stupid I know. No one expects it of me, but in the 11 months from the end of one Christmas season to the next, my own head starts thinking, this will be the Christmas my home really shines. This'll be the year I flawlessly host friends and family for drop-in impromptu moments of appetizers ( because I'm so prepared) and festive cocktails from my stock of mixers and spirits. On the heels of yesterday's "don't worry about scaling back" post, I know this sounds hypocritical.
For this Positively Tuesday, I'm being fully vulnerable and honest, with you, with myself. I've always felt I'm the make due, second best member of my family. I really feel that way in DH's. It's silly, and I fear I've put that belittling self deprecating feeling onto my kids too. There's so much more to me, to them, than a Hallmark home. Why I let something so relatively unimportant ruin the peace and goodwill I want to feel take over is something I've struggled with my whole adult life.
When I look at my tree without expectations, I see pretty, a happy glow of lights that says Christmas season is upon us. I can think, while it's not loaded with 35 years of memories, it's light sparks those same memories in my head. I close my eyes and see nights reading to the kids from the stack of Christmas stories, finding a place for a new handmade ornament, and just snuggling with no lights but the tree.
If like me, you're feeling a mix of joy and melancholy this season, I get you. Take the time to feel a bit of the loss, whatever the loss might be, and then think what is still present. I miss my two kids that are far away, but embrace that my daughter is just 30 minutes away. I miss that the extended family gatherings yield too much stress rather than just the childhood wonder, but know, I have the agency to step away if and when it's too much. If I can't live up to my own unrealistic expectations, why must I live up to someone else's?
I'll keep listening to holiday music. I'll ooh and ahh over pretty lights. I'll make cookies, and I'll just accept Christmas as it comes. There were so many positive moments this week, but letting myself get that out is a big one. Here's more joys and simple pleasures that I enjoyed.
- Greeting card and a painted rock by Lorraine. If you feel you need a white snowy Christmas, look at this beautiful card with trees on the beach (top of post photo). I'll take that over shoveling snow any day.
- A card from France from Anna- and I remembered Joyeux Noel! We must get a Zoom meetup scheduled. Anne, our greeting card coordinator, sent a lovely card as well. I cherish these friendships, even if from a distance.
- At The Finished Article, I'm seeing the lovely things Scarlett has made for her grand baby, and her beautiful decorating. I too feel all of us should coordinate colors or not, decorate in full greenery, or not, and do in and with our homes what is meaningful or special to us personally. I need to have Scarlett speak to me when I let comparison rob me of contentment.
- On Saturday, with just pup, we took a slow meandering park walk, no pulling, or overzealous squirrel watching. We love the puppy but the old guy brings a different kind of joy in his love for being outdoors, in the snow, and with me, his person.
- DH and I went out to our favorite pizza place on Saturday. Saw an old mom friend from when DD2 was in Girl Scouts and show choir, a really nice person, out with her husband and one of her twin young adult sons, who has special needs.
- Watched a quirky Kickstarter funded indie film called Christmas Time, but might also be found under My Time Traveler Brother through a streaming service. It was worth watching, and you must to the very end. Low budget but well written, acted, and filmed.
- Look at this success! Eight jars of mixed berry jam, ready to give to people. The sound the lids make when they seal is a simple pleasure.
- My sister had a spare ticket to the Minnesota Wild game last night. We had a fun time on a Monday night, saw the beautiful lights of downtown St Paul, and cheered the Wild to a 2-1 win.
- It's DS's 34th birthday today. I'm so happy I'll see him in a few weeks. I sent his birthday gift in October, a Minnesota Vikings jersey, but I've got Swiss Colony on its way, hopefully for him to enjoy on Christmas Eve and day.
I need to live my words and just let the joys and simple pleasures fulfill me. I don't need to create magical days in December. There truly is magic in ordinary days.
The only negative feeling toward my decorating was the first time I did not have a tree, not because of the lack of the tree, but that it was the end of something. Now, I am accepting, not resigned, accepting. With the new puppy, not having treasured ornaments on the tree might be wise. I do remember fondly the fantastic results of other decorating in years past. I also remember better times in all aspects of my life. But, I am alive to remember.
ReplyDeleteKnowing your story makes my pity party very selfish, but we can't control our emotions, can we. You've made a nice life despite having been giving many hardships. My home still is festive and pretty. One day I'll go all out again, just not this year.
DeleteJre I’m in the pity party today, so much mixed emotions as this was the year to be ahead of things, fully decorated blah blah and today I’m admittedly defeated. Getting done and being able relax and enjoy the last two weeks time has passed. And the the problem for me is the several years of saying next year… I think I have to fully admit my prime is over. I need a knee replacement, I have gotten older and the time to do anything takes twice what it did if I can. (Ladders, outside real lighted garland along the whole house……. Being a widow I was used to doing it all. Like Linda I need to accept and be ok. My gift giving is nuts and each year I try and tone it down and then I go off the deep end, and it’s me. Maybe next year……. Just a crying emotional day. I have such joy (my 13th grandchild born last week) and sadness (my beloved nephew is on hospice). So I have to let the stress go. The only Christmas baking I did was one batch of fudge that my son and I already ate!
DeleteHello again Sam - I totally get your feeling of being not quite good enough - having a sister in law who always made me feel second best. We are so silly to let these feelings flourish. As my beloved late partner used to say “you are as good as anybody and a darn sight better than most”.
ReplyDeleteI am not feeling particularly festive and I haven’t put up any decorations yet but will get on it in the next couple of days. Sending Christmas Wishes from a bitterly cold UK. Kaye
I appreciate your comment. I like your husband's response. I'll try to keep that too of mind. I hope you decorate just to what makes you smile, not for anyone's expectations..
DeleteMy mom is more like you, and puts a lot of pressure on herself to host the perfect holidays. Maybe as a reaction to that, I'm all about simplicity. We also moved to another state, and don't celebrate Christmas in our own home, so we do just enough to enjoy December, but not enough to be a hassle to put away.
ReplyDeleteMore generally, I'm fine to entertain, but I can do without it. If we do entertain, we keep it super simple. My mom requires so much work for a simple party, that it takes much of the fun out of it for me. That said, I love spending time with my family, and she's an amazing hostess. My sister & I work with her each year (particularly as she ages) to ensure we reduce work as much as possible, and just enjoy the time together. We of course help a lot, but she spends the entire month of December planning, before we are around.
I hope you are able to find that great balance - between really enjoying a special time, and reducing expectations on yourself. Hugs.
I don't know how my sister does it. She hosts Christmas even then, her immediate family that's now 11 people in Christmas day. I want to find the balance. I'd like to be more comfortable with the impromptu gatherings, not staged epics.
DeleteHappy Birthday to DS! Your jam looks yummy and you had a lot of joys this week.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted how you're feeling as I'm sure it will be helpful to so many. The holidays and the expectations that our society has for them can be a bit too much sometimes. Just try to focus on what is important to you. Hugs my friend. I don't think there are many that haven't felt like you're feeling at some point.
And thank you for the cute Christmas card.
I was truly trying to be honest and do a little self therapy with that post. I know others feel this too. I'm working on taking your advice. The jam turned out delicious. I love the mixed berry flavor. Mine is heavily blueberry and strawberry because that's what I had the most.
DeleteI think the media sells us the "perfect Christmas" every year, thus doing a HUGE disservice to we mere mortals who don't have millions of $$$, a maid service and someone else to shovel the snow! I used to love Nigella Lawson's cookery programmes but they made me feel "inferior" (if you will). Then I realized she's a multi-millionairess from a wealthy family (even if she made a lot of her money herself). She's beautiful, while I'm sitting here slobbing around in my sweatpants having just shoveled said snow for an hour, her programmes are filmed on a set - not in her home. AND some of the enthusiastic guests at her dinner table were actors. I still like her and think she is probably a genuinely nice person but never forget, it's all smoke and mirrors! And as for the zoom meeting, I would love it. I'm a late bird anyway so an early evening US zoom is fine by me!! A tout (as they also say over here)! A
ReplyDeleteI know it's 50% fake, but I married into "perfect". His mom, sister, and even hus youngest brothers wife all are perfect in how they decorate, his they host. I have a few sisters, though they're more relaxed, just as easy and graceful with the holidays. I feel I'm Charlie Brown.
DeleteMy mom was always seeking the elusive Christmas spirit. She decorated, cooked, baked and bought gifts every year like if she did enough, she would find it. She tried to make Christmas special for everyone, family, friends, and patients. She worked her fingers to the bone, and I saw her run to the store at the last minute to get ingredients for cookies she forgot were some random person’s favorite. It was tiring to watch.
ReplyDeleteAll my life I knew my grandma died young (42, and I have outlived her) of cancer. About 5 years ago I inherited a tin of letters from her last year. In it I found letters no one had read for 50 years. My grandpa put them away because it hurt to see them. Her birthday was at the beginning of December, and she died right before Christmas. It all makes sense now.
I give my mom grace for all she lived though after losing her mother.
Amy (not sure why I can't log in)
That's a powerful story, Amy. There's probably so much buried in me as well. I hope you have been able to celebrate how the season touches you and broke from your mom's past. I can understand and you having those letters is such a gift.
DeleteSo glad you liked the card and painted rock!
ReplyDeleteI tried my best to make Christmas special when my daughter was little. Big tree, lots of gifts, the whole shebang. When she got older, she kind of thought Christmas was way too commercial and was happier with a smaller holiday which was fine by me! Not being a religious family, we made our own tradition of going out to eat on Christmas Eve and seeing a blockbuster movie. After that we'd drive around and look at all the decorated homes, go home and open gifts. That was enough for us. Now it's just my husband and me and we do pretty much the same thing except we don't exchange gifts. We're perfectly happy with that. I think advertising is what makes us feel like we need to do more. Don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your time with your family. That's the most important part.
My kids expect nothing as adults. They took like simple. As my family grows, hopefully I'll figure out just what works for us.
DeleteIt’s a difficult time for many for a multitude of reasons, emotional, financial, whatever.....thanks for sharing your story. Megan.
ReplyDeleteIt just poured out in the post. I both love the season, but do too much comparison to should. Hopefully all of us that feel the mix can move towards less focus on the shoulds.
DeleteI am dreading this Christmas
ReplyDeleteMy husband has just been transferred to Palliative care, and we expect him to start a final ( desperate?) cycle of chemo soon.
We know this is his last Christmas
I will not celebrate without him
Siobhan
I'm so sorry, Siobhan. I hope you and he find strength with each other.
DeleteWhen the kid’s were children it was fun to go all out as much as we could with two demanding careers as their joy was amazing. Now we are happy to really be minimal. Think about what you really love about the season and do only that and change it as you change. When we lived far from family it was a few decorations and lights plus Christmas Eve dinner out at a special place. Then driving around to enjoy other people’s light displays. No gifts for each other. I also enjoy listening to just a bit of holiday music. Juhli
ReplyDeleteThe simple sounds wonderful. I am arriving to take the advice to really just keep what makes the season special for my family.
DeleteMy brother-in-law passed away almost two weeks ago after a difficult life caused mostly by depression; my sister is being stoic, but I'm worried about her. I thought her out-of-state grandchildren were going to be passing through so I pulled out all of my Snow Village decorations (over 20 houses, a skating rink and a sliding hill) for the first time in years (because it's such a chore to put up). The kids didn't make it, but now I'm glad I at least put in the effort. It's peaceful to sit in the living room with all the lights lit in the village plus our Christmas tree.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel what you're feeling and to do as much as you are able. Remind yourself that you have a full time job and give yourself some grace.
I love my village too, but it just seemed silly with two kids away, no one coming over. But, if I am wanting it up next year, I should for me. I'm sorry about your brother in law. I hope your sister can find some peace this season.
DeleteHappy Birthday to your boy!
ReplyDeleteSam, you're one of the kindest, most generous and supportive people in Blogland. All this Xmas magic b*llocks is something dreamt up by advertisers, it's one day of the year celebrating some bloke who probably didn't exist - keep on being the lovely person you are all year round and stuff the party nibbles & glittery tat. xxx
Thanks, Vix. I need to stuff the commercialism, one upping family that think we all want to be them, and just celebrate in ways that give joy. I try to be kind- need to be kinder to myself.
ReplyDeleteIt does not feel like Christmas to me, but I think the weather has a lot to do with it,
ReplyDeleteTheHub and I will be mostly alone this Christmas so we put up "art" trees (my name for trees with just a ton of lights and toppers)
The rest of the Christmas decorations can stay in their boxes.