Update: I decided to go ahead and publish comments though not of a good brain to respond individually. My heart is breaking for Siobhan, and wanted her comment to be read by others, and be able to reply since I don't have any other way to let her know she has my love. Yesterday was a hard, sad, feeling hopeless kind of day. But, it got better, or I felt better as the day moved on. Sister's reached out, a coworker prayed with me, the dogs snuggled, my daughter joined me for dinner, I texted with my son, and I helped review a job application with my college kid. I still had a day, a life.
Edit: I'm choosing not to post the comments but know I appreciate the support. I had read the article I referenced as it resonated so much. I'll be ok in time. Just not yet.
On becoming a widow over 50 but not yet 60.
"Grief is compounded for the lone parent as the nest empties and the prospect of loneliness looms. All the rewards of all those years of saving, sacrificing and planning for companionable retirement have come to nothing. Fifty something bereaved people are often angry and bitter. Sometimes they are angry with the deceased for leaving them, for not looking after themselves, and for not going to the doctor sooner when symptoms first appeared."
This is me; my life, my mind, right now. To a T.
Passage from Death of a Partner: How age affects grief and grieving.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I promise it gets better. I'm 8 months past my husband's death. 57 yo. As hard as it is, hold on. The grief, depression, disbelief, fear, fog, starts lifting and it gets easier. Lean in.
ReplyDelete🙏🙏🙏
ReplyDeleteRoseP
Nothing anyone says will make this better. My husband never takes care of himself so I understand why you might be angry. They seem to wait till something goes wrong. What you have done with your life in regards to retirement isn't for nothing. You have 3 children now who probably need you and won't have to worry about if you will manage.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Sam, I can't imagine what it must be like. I hope you can work through the process, with help and support. xx
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that planning a future & retirement time with your husband that never got to happen must be endlessly frustrating & disappointing. I think anger is part of grief.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to take some time each day for yourself, whether it's just sitting quietly with a cup of tea, or meditating, journaling, etc. Sometimes just acknowledging your thoughts makes them a tiny bit easier to deal with. Hugs to you.
It's totally understandable to feel this way but I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine what you are going through right now. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou are justified in any feelings you may have.
Pretty sure anger is one of the stages of grief (but I'm sure you know that). I hope you have someone you can vent to/at.
ReplyDeleteThese thoughts are not surprising. I can only imagine this experience is crushing. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteYes that is spot-on. Nothing else needs saying. It is. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say - except that I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs through the ether!
ReplyDeleteSending you hope as you move forward. My aunt was where you are exactly 26 years ago this month. She's still single and lives in an independent living apartment in a continuing care community. She has told me numerous times over the years that she actually believes it was easier for her to lose my uncle while she was still working and had the support of co-workers and even though her kids were just starting their adult lives, the grands brought her a lot of diversion from her grief. I honestly wasn't sure she'd make it alone at the time as she was very, very dependent on him, but she's living her best life now and says she doubts he would've moved to the community where she now lives, loves and thrives. She's also told me she did feel cheated out of their shared retirement but also appreciates the independence she now enjoys. Obviously, everyone is different but you'll make your way into the future, perhaps even with a little strength from your blogging community. May you find happiness as you move forward, even if it isn't the happiness you once imagined.
ReplyDeleteOh Sam, I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete(((((Sam))))) you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI can only send you the warmest thoughts and many e-hugs at this time of grief. Mom had gone through the same and even so, I cannot truly understand how you must be feeling. Your kids, your family and your friends love you and support you.
ReplyDeleteAt the age of 31 I became a widow. I was really steamed because I had repeatedly told my 39 yr old husband to go get checked out by our doctor for a solid 2 wks. He kept telling me that he would when his boss got back from vacation. THEN I found out that he had told a friend who had a heart attack that he was having chest pains... who also told him to go to the doctor. He had no will, not life ins, no savings and was 3 months behind on all the utilities. Thank GOD I insisted that I pay the mortgage. It's normal... My Dad felt it at 62 when my step mom got sick and waited too long to get help. It's normal.. . My step dad felt it at 73 when Mother waited too long to get the lump checked out. It's normal.
ReplyDeleteI guess Joel's death was such a freak thing I don't think I am in this category, but I sure can understand your feelings of getting left behind. If I was given the choice to follow him on Christmas day I would have gone, but now I am okay being here. It still is really hard. However, the three-month mark was different, and I hope it is the same for you. Just so many changes and not all of them good. I am just so sorry you are going through this. It is crap!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThink of you daily
ReplyDeleteI can't speak for my mum, but I know I had anger towards my dad after his death; for starting to smoke again, for not making his health a priority, and for not going to the doctor's the week before he died, when he was in pain that he dismissed as a chest infection. His death changed my life for ever, and there have been times, when my mum has been making my life miserable, that I've been angry with him all over again. Take care. Love L x
ReplyDeleteMy husband died last Saturday
ReplyDeleteHe was 63
He was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer in November 21
He was told he should survive for 5 years - 3 if he was unlucky
He had 16 months
Watching my adult children grieve the father they loved is unbearable
We met when I was 17
I am now 58
My heart is broken
As I imagine yours is
Siobhan x
I'm so sorry, and so wish I had something to say for any comfort. The pain we feel is amplified with holding our children's pain. Try to take care of you- it's damn hard, I know. You and I both had literal our lives with our husbands. Our world has stopped for us, while the world is spinning around us. Sending what love I can.
DeleteSo very sorry for your loss. Nothing much can be said to comfort when these things happen. I know that well. Prayers for you and your family Siobhan.
DeleteI am so sorry. My ex husband has a very aggressive form of prostrate cancer and I had to beg him, for the sake of our kids, to get it removed and to take radiation. I fear he did it too late but only time will tell. I am so so sorry for your loss and for your kid’s loss because it certainly hurts a mom to see their children grieving. Virtual hugs and prayers to both you and to Sam. It just sucks and there is nothing ai can say to make it better. Cindy in the South
DeleteThank you all
DeleteIt’s two weeks today
I ache for him, as I imaging Sam that your ache for your husband
You describe it perfectly Sam - our worlds have stopped. And if this is life without Tony, then I am not sure I want it
Thinking of you
Siobhan x
Just HUGS and you are prayed for daily by many.
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