Taking Care

      I promised my kids I'll take better care of myself. I've really been trying to get my five a day in, even if that's all I eat some days. Other days I actually feel like cooking, per a post a few weeks back. My daughter goes to school in northern Minnesota and they had a blizzard leading into her Easter break. She smartly got on the road and was able to do her Tuesday and Wednesday classes remotely. I had someone to cook for and eat with me for a full week. Joy! 

     I'm trying to take care mentally too. I had some therapy a long while back for other issues I was trying to work through. Nothing heavy, a little EAP, work life balance type stuff.  I thought maybe it would be good to help learn some coping strategies so this month started a few sessions with a therapist trained in grief support. I've had a couple sessions, nothing mind bending but it was good to talk unfiltered. I find I worry about putting people off so I'm very guarded about my own emotions. 

     For example, my mother-in-law starts every conversation with "I hope you're doing well", which means I say, "I'm ok" because that's what she wants to hear. She's not who I'm going to share with. His whole family have moved to a different stage than I am at, so I'm quite closed with all of them. They're thinking cabin, lake, Easter, Mother's Day, fun stuff. I get it. We all grieve differently and quite frankly, I've always found them emotionally closed, outwardly huggy, but in a rote way. DH was quite different from the rest of his family in that way. When he hugged you it was with purpose. When he said he appreciated something, you know he meant it. But, I don't know how heavy their hearts might be in private; how they are sleeping. 

      My friends and sisters are great, just give me little arm squeezes, letting me know I can talk or not, but they're here for me. I'm actually tagging along with my sister's business retreat in June. I'll have some time alone, but will get to enjoy the lavish perks thrown at them for two days. I'm actually looking forward to it. 

     I've scheduled both routine and follow up medical appointments, though been rescheduled twice. I even scheduled a mental health day for myself prior to a big work week to help bolster my resiliency. I'm walking the dogs, doing little bits of yoga, and trying to not melt into a sobby blob. The nicer weather hopefully will keep me from television bingeing. I appreciate you all (sincerely stated) and hope in time blogging will be fun again, not just an export of my emotional baggage. For all of you grieving, people, job loss, strained relationships, distance, I get it. It's tough some days and then there are little moments of light. I'm trying to take care so I can know them when they come. 

     Siobhan and I have been emailing each other. My heart is heavy for her and I hope our words back and forth across the ocean are a help. Too many widows in our small blog community, and the love shared between us, and you all that are adding your words of peace are comfort; I read even if I don't have a response. I've really appreciated that no one has thrown empty platitudes on my posts. What I've learned is if you don't know what to say to someone grieving, just say, "I'm thinking of you; I care about you." It truly does help. No one can fix the pain, but knowing you're cared about is comfort.

     I'm nearly to the three months mark. The house is a disaster inside and out. I think my washing machine has given up the the ghost. Ugh, I don't want to shop for a new one as that means bleeding more money (death is expensive and I'm on a single income now), nor do I want people coming in. I'll make do with the work around I've had to do in the laundry room until I can face the inevitable. We had unbelievably warm days, three in a row, but as you see, Friday was the last day of this, and the weekend has been cold and wet. I should be doing spring cleaning. No, I'm trying to ignore the word should, but there's things that must be done. I'm doing those. I guess, I'm just trying to take care.