On Trying To Find a New Life

      It's now been two months since my husband passed away. I started the dog blog; dog people will understand it's easy to give your heart and soul to them because you get it back ten fold. I'm still sleeping in fits and starts, can't seem to get my mind settled, and waves of sadness flood me. Benign comments made by people that wouldn't see the significance, or are meant to be helpful, can put me melting down. 

     I'm blogging a bit. The old format of a daily theme isn't sitting in my head, but time and money management feel really important. The dreams of working towards a retirement with my husband are gone, yet I've still got dreams for my family that I hope keeps DH ever present in our lives. Places he wanted to go, opportunities for the kids, hobbies he encouraged me to pursue, and getting things updated on the house. I can't think ahead, but eventually will plan and do things. 

     My budget isn't austere, but it's not flush either. I'll still have the required pension contribution and I intend to fully fund my 401K. My take home pay feels lean when I look at all the places my money needs to go. I made a new budget, accounting for every category I can think of, and on paper I'm OK. It'll take a few months to see if it is realistic. I'll have expenses for the boat and cabin too, that are a bit unknown, so I put a new budget holder for sinking funds, so the money is there when the bills come. There's no longer a safety net of two incomes, or as we planned after he retires, the option for him to start SS or draw from his 401K. I could draw from his 401K as a widow, but it's complex and the requirements and hoops feel like too much, so I want to live on just my take home for the time being. I'm working with a financial advisor and attorney to get all his accounts under me. What a process! Then, I need to update all the beneficiary information. 

      The last few months were expensive. Funeral expenses were astronomical but the folks that made the arrangements were phenomenal, and I don't regret letting them do all the coordination. Extra fees added for changing titles and utilities, postage costs for certified mail (with items still getting lost), ordering in food, and just more expenses having the kids here and no one looking at anything thrifty, just getting through day to day minimizing stress, all add up. I am fortunate to have funds to cover these added expenses. Now I'll figure out true costs for my life. Going forward, just like when we were trying to live off just my income, I need to pay attention to the mindless spending. Finding little perks is something to amuse me and helps a bit with the budget. I might continue to dabble in Fetch and MS Rewards, but I really don't like Ibotta. 

     I've also the reality of living alone, managing a household alone. There's so much to get done. Besides so much on our to do list, just day to day feels overwhelming. Divide and conquer no longer applies. A person never realizes how big a house and property is when suddenly living in a four bedroom, two bathroom house alone. I had that reality the night after my son left. This sounds really stupid, but tackling the trash felt daunting, but then like a major accomplishment. Early Wednesday is garbage pick up. I had to make sure all items from around the house were in trash or recycling including boxes from shelving the kids put together for me, get the bins maneuvered around snow piles, full and heavy to the end of the driveway, while making sure neither dog escaped. Success! I've managed, with the help of the kids, to keep shoveling under control with this snowy winter. By myself, I'm adding snow plowing to the budget and likely lawn care. Neither are my thing. 

     I think I want to use cooking, meal prep, baking, and other things food related as a sort of therapy. I've sisters on their own, from being widowed too. Of eight girls, five of us lost husband's fairly young, one sister, her ex husband, her second husband, and her last significant other, all before 70. My sister who passed away unexpectedly nearly 10 years ago had lost her husband two years earlier. I didn't mean to go down this sad road. My point was there is no reason I can't cook and have them over whenever our schedules mesh. I can explore more plant-based baking and meal recipes, continuing to try and take better care of myself. It took a while to get through both meals people brought, plus extra food bought when the kids were here, but slowly I'm buying more than just the odd item. I enjoyed making a few favorites when my daughter was on spring break, then sent her back with frozen portions for lunches or dinners when she doesn't want to eat in the dining hall or have time to cook. I'm eating lots of big salads, thanks Lori, and fruit for snacks. Produce adds up as fast as meat, so it'll be an eye opener what I really spend on groceries.

     I'm taking each day as they come, trying to get at least one "need to do" thing done a day/night, but that pace needs to pick up. There are obvious things that have to be done eventually that I can't face yet. The no rules for dogs means the house truly needs a deep clean. We're still in ice and snow here ( so much ice and snow) but I hope with eventual spring, I'll have more motivation. Right now, I'm just so tired, a mix of grief, frustration, and sleep that's choppy and inconsistent. My day job exhausts me mentally, and I pretty much go to bed to attempt some sleep, after the dog or dogs are taken care of for the night.  

     All this rambling is to say my blog title, Sam, Coffee, Money, and Thyme might still be a fit. There were suggestions to write about the paperwork, tips etc. dealing after a spouse's death. While I can appreciate the suggestion, there's a gazillion other writers that have tackled the basics better than I could. The minutia, I have learned, is so varied situation by situation, state, by state, that it wouldn't be helpful to readers and would be just upsetting to me.

      This got really long as I just seemed to let things flood out of my head to the blog. If you're reading, I'm glad you stuck around while I've paused. If you've moved on, I guess you won't see this, but I've enjoyed this community and the people here. While I can't commit to frequency or topic, I think I'll be here.