I keep thinking or wishing certain days should be easier than others. None are. Wednesday was the last day I spoke to him, and the day he passed away. Thursday was his day off, so I'd hear him out and about, coming and going. Thursdays are just too quiet now. Friday was our quiet stay at home, often pizza and TV together night as he worked Saturdays. Saturday was date night, or getting together with others. It's hard hearing about others weekend plans. Sunday we finally both had a day off together and now, it's just another 24 hours. Monday he usually came home from work for lunch, knowing we had leftovers from either a dinner out or a nice homemade meal. I usually could pause work and join him. Tuesday he often got home earlier as his Wednesdays were long as he was in charge of the store. I made sure to cook on Tuesdays, often fajita's, tacos, or burritos, or pasta dishes, his two favorite types of meals.
I know in time the memories will give me comfort. Making a perfect lasagna and knowing he would have enjoyed it heartily. Watching a silly new television show with his dad joke sense of humour will make me think of his laughing giddily and with no filters. He had an infectious laugh that in of itself brought joy. Maybe some day invitations to join his best friends and their wives for dinner out will feel special rather than lonely.
I've got bittersweet life events to get through. I'm looking forward to and fearing how I'll handle my daughter's college graduation next month. I have no idea how going to the lake will feel. Then there's father's day, 4th of July and his birthday this summer. His birthday was to be the day he officially announced retirement. It's a year of firsts to get through, each one being grateful to have my kids, my family, my friends around me, but missing him, and being so sad he's missing out.
I want to be able to travel eventually, seeing places we wanted to see together, and maybe some new places not previously thought of, new views that help me find some solace. I have to have faith that he's truly in a better place or I don't think I could muster the energy to leave my house. I explore Expedia, plugging in random places and departure dates, not really planning any thing or to go anywhere, but it fills a little time and the emptiness for a bit.
Writing out my thoughts is supposed to help. Talking about him, sharing memories, saying his name, is all supposed to help. Maybe in time it will.
Oh Sam, I wish that there was something that I could say that would ease your pain a little. Sending lots of hugs and prayers for comfort.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I do appreciate all the kind words.
DeleteIt's way too early yet I feel, but I've recently booked up a trip to Mallorca in September with Solos.co.uk. There are always (sadly) a lot of widows on these trips but so far, in 12 trips, I haven't heard a single regret. Even the young woman who was widowed at 34 with three young daughters - she was TERRIFIED, and yet she enjoyed her trip to Turkey. As I say, it's very very early days for you but keep holding on to that travel idea and who knows what will happen (and hey, there's always France)!!!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you'll be surprised to have me show up uninvited on your doorstep one day when I run away.
DeleteHugs and prayers Sam. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteThank you. I do appreciate all the kind words.. I do appreciate all the kind words.
DeleteSending you lots of good thoughts, hugs & positivity during these times.
ReplyDeleteThanks HP. Give your family lots of hugs.
DeleteI wish I had more words of comfort other than, "It takes time." Sending you strength, Sam.
ReplyDeleteKind words do help so thank you.
DeleteTime, love and tenderness ♥️
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteDear Sam. I wish I could offer true words of comfort, but any sentiment seems too glib. Am thinking of youxx Arilx
ReplyDeleteKnowing people care is a comfort.
DeleteGrief is not tied to a calendar or a clock. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying. Thank you.
DeleteThinking about you and wishing you all the best❤️Ricki
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteI have lived your life, those feelings are real, relentless, It willl take a long time to recover. We had always planned on retirement, what would we do, where did we want to go. Every thing you had planned is gone. Nothing is the same. The grief you feel now is normal. How do you live a life without the person that was a major factor in your life. Until someone goes through it they can't understand. You have lost part of your body, mind and soul. I am twelve years out and I still struggle but I do not share my struggles with others.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that you are a very strong person, I am not. You have kept working, you are pressing forward. You have not fallen.
apart, yes, you grief but are able to put that aside for part of the day. You have the strength that your husband wanted, he wants you be happy and safe. It will get better, we just have to be patient
I'm sorry for your loss too. It seems time might go on, but the grief does too, just evolves. I have to keep working, doing, we need health insurance and my income pays bills without worrying about how complex and ridiculous it is to access other resources we planned for. I at least can take my time with that.
DeleteI have no answers. After a while, everything seems like useless platitudes. Travel does sound good, though.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hope you start feeling better.
DeleteThe first year is the hardest. I had the kids tell me one thing they remembered on those holidays and for awhile it was daily. They told me later as adults it helped them know it was okay to talk about him and say they missed him or as one said "I don't miss Daddy recleaning the woodwork after I cleaned it". But while it was happening... it hurt. Prayers for strength, comfort will come with the memories. You can talk to him, he does hear you.
ReplyDeleteI do talk, and scold, him every day. Mostly I just tell him I miss him.
DeleteI want you to know typing it all out is how I handle loss. Keep typing. We will continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'll be her in bits, I guess. Thank you.
DeleteOh SAM. My heart just bleeds for you. I too have all these same thoughts. I also thought about your youngest graduating and him not being there. Well I do believe he will be there just not in our realm of existence. Think about you constantly wonder how you are doing. I really hate this, but there is nothing we can do. So nice to hear about your schedule with him. I think it does help a little to talk about them.
ReplyDeleteIt's graduation, weddings, grandchildren, all the some day things he doesn't get to experience and if they happen, I'm there alone now. I just feel he and I were robbed. That's how it feels- stolen life experiences that we can't get back.
DeleteYou describe it perfectly Sam
DeletePerfectly
Siobhan x
Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteHope the weather is getting better there (sunny and 56* here in CT) so that you can at least get out and about a little more even if it's just locally. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI sure hope so. I heard maybe a 70 next week.
DeleteIt's so lovely to read a post from you, you're an incredible and inspirational woman and I wish you were nearer so I could hug you and tell you in person.
ReplyDeleteLike Ms Sandie says, keep writing. My blog helped me crystalise my thoughts on the loss of my parents - I can never read those blog posts I wrote back than but I know it helped tremendously.
Love always. xxx
I truly get it, that first year my oldest son graduated high school and youngest son kindergarten (they had a cute ceremony) and it cut like a knife. But steady steps every day! We’ve had a happy life and family the past 27 years. Both can exist, sadness and happiness. You’re hanging in there which is all you can do right now! Jre
ReplyDeleteMy kids are at least adults, though the youngest sure got a bad hand, hard timing. She's torn between pursuing her plans and just wanting to move home after graduation and breath.
DeleteNothing really helps, but it is good to persevere and go through the motions until the pain subsides some.
ReplyDeleteGoing through the motions is the way to describe my day activities. I could care less about work other than collecting my paycheck to be honest. I eat because I have to. Thank you for being here.
DeleteMany hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteHUGE HUGS! I still have a huge amount of TV shows I have not watched in 4 years - we always watched together. Still things I have never purchased again at the store. Some things I only purchased after a couple years. This is all normal. Well, who is to say what normal is. It is different for everyone.
ReplyDeleteOne moment at a time. Baby steps. I think of you every day!
I don't even feel like I'm taking baby steps. I know time moves on and I will have to as well. It's so tiring.
DeleteI am sorry that you are going through this. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I hate it too.
DeleteI found your blog and it is bookmarked! Holy cow, who knew I could figure it out on my own? Hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much I'll blog, but I'm thankful you found it. We can check in on each other. I'm so sorry you, Kim, Val, and all the other blog friends that have shared have to, had to , deal with this incredible pain.
DeleteMy dad died on a Friday, 28 years ago, collapsing just after getting in from work. My mum found Fridays incredibly difficult to cope with for a long time after, and I don't think she's ever eaten a shepherds pie again as that's what she'd cooked for them to eat that evening.I never again watched the TV programme that was on when I got the phone call. Honestly, I think you are doing brilliantly. Much love to all of you from across the ocean. L xx
ReplyDeleteMy last text to him was letting him know supper was on the stove. I've saved those messages and a few voicemails that were in my phone still. It took me 10 weeks before I joined friends at trivia. That's where I was when I got the call. Surprisingly it was ok. I guess I needed my friends and some laughs.
DeleteI get it. I do
ReplyDeleteTony would have been 64 on the 13th
Our daughter is 30on the 19th
She has cancelled her plans, or has decided to postpone as she can’t imagine celebrating without her Daddy
I was called a widow for the first time yesterday
I hated it
I am still married
And firsts are going to be be so hard for both of us - and anyone going through a death as profound as Thales of us husbands
If you decide to runaway ever , run to me in the South West of the UK. We can grieve together
Thinking of you and sending love
Siobhan x
I'm still not used to being thought of as a widow. My rings are still in place, his stuff is still everywhere. Feel free to email me anytime seperately- should be in my About Me. I'd gladly run away and meet up. I have lists of where I think I should go. Have I made any plans? Of course not. You're in my thoughts and sending love back. This really just is hard.
DeleteI think about you every day and wonder how you are doing, I am happy to see you are putting words down and sharing them. I read your blog daily over the past couple of years. Of course I know that time isn't here yet, but know we are so happy to see you share how you and the kids are doing when you feel up to it. Was your DD2 home for Easter? Another "first" holiday. We hit the 80's this week and I imagine it was warm up your way, too. Did you get rid of some of the snow? Again, Sam,, glad to read your post and send you thoughts and prayers daily from Wisconsin.
ReplyDelete