I'm Here and Not

     

     Good morning. Thank you for past comments, a few emails, and nods to my well being in other bloggers posts. I'm still here, and also not. I found this meme and I understand it. I still don't feel like even semi regular blogging. I'm a ball of anxiousness much of the time, focusing only on what I have to manage. Those things don't seem to be managed very well though. I thought maybe a catch-up might be in order, but warning it'll probably be long and a lot of pity party refection interspersed. 

     I had three therepy sessions since early April. I found it meh. It wasn't harmful, but not anything more beneficial than the podcasts or videos I've listened to or watched. I had a forced professional development day and session one is on change and resiliency. I was pretty checked out. I don't want to hear or read in chat's other people's challenge figuring out how to get out the door and into the office on the days they choose to not work remote. It feels whiny and insignificant and if they knew what can come out of no where still, finding their car keys at 7:00 a.m. seems pretty mild. 

     I feel sad, but also bitter at times and I hate that feeling. It's not me. Or it is me, but wasn't me before. Mothers Day was sweet with the girls, but later got pictures texted by DH's sister of her, her daughter, grandchildren, and my mother in law. Four generation photo and I cried and cried. My kids won't even have their dad in a single picture of any future grandchildren. I get frustrated with one of my sisters who has mucked up her life repeatedly, but has just this full overflowing plate of family, and makes every situation about herself or them. She's also full of ridiculous platitudes. It was really bad the weekend of my daughter's graduation, and at two different points directly asked her to stop. I'm planning to go low contact as she's just too draining for me.

     So yes,  my youngest graduated college and we truly celebrated her. Despite the overwhelming grief, she finished strong, Suma cum laude, and had several job or fellowship offers. She determined a sort of gap year is best before deciding on grad school or career, so took a year long fellowship that starts the end of the summer, in St Paul. She will be home for the summer, and may or may not stay living at home when it starts, depending on her friends living plans and tolerance level living with me. ( My attempt at self humor.) She's hoping to travel, has some intermittent work, and some volunteer commitments in the meantime. Her sister gave her a necklace with a pearl charm, DH's favorite. That was so sweet.

    My older daughter is making her house her home. Her dog is doing great, loves the dog park and is such a sweety.  She's met a vegan chef with a food truck and is going to help with a few events for both fun and social networking, but of course extra cash. What new home owner can't use extra cash? She's getting a fence put in, but the back log is several weeks. It will be a lovely addition that will give her and dog safety and privacy and help her place feel like a retreat. She's getting her garden going. Fingers crossed!

      DS has been greatly impacted by the writers strike with studios closing up many projects, so not just writers out of work. What little there is has hundreds upon hundreds of candidates. Added anxiety, even if second hand. Depending on duration, he's going to head back to Minnesota by car with his tools and gear. He'll pick up any work he can, but will help me tackle projects that had to wait until the snow melted. I'm glad my kids are sensible in times they have money and can ride out these kinds of times. I'll get the greatly needed help, so trying to see any positives. Seeing him is positive enough for me, but I also know he can't be here to just entertain me. 

     I'm going to Florida for a few days in June, tagging along with a different sisters work retreat, and scheduled time off over the full week of the 4th of July. I've got a business trip to Phoenix in October ( hey Spo), but haven't booked any travel for escape yet. I still want to run away. 

     So that's life at the four month date of losing DH so soon, way too soon. I want to keep moving on, and I guess I am through my kids. I need to work to keep the bills paid and have affordable health insurance, at least for now. It at least gives me something to take up some of my headspace. There's a lot of changes work wise, and I'm leery of how it'll all balance, but have to remind myself it's not just on me, but do worry it'll suck what little resiliency I have. I keep thinking I'll be better equipped to handle this new life forced upon me. I'm not there yet.