What's Been Going On

      Happy June. It is officially meteorological summer in Minnesota after a really fine weather Memorial Day weekend. I'm still moving day to day getting done what's absolute, but with the help of kids slowly tackling a few backlogged projects. We're all feeling the loss hard in this new season. DH would have loved having a fine day to help put the dock's in and would have laughed at grandpup learning his place in the extended family of dogs pecking order. Pup was living his best life, short haired and liking the freedom to roam, but never straying too far from my presence. Here's an update on this new life I'm required to figure out.

     DS is here indefinitely due to limited work in his field in L.A. While the amount of video games he plays is not my cup of tea, he's also doing back yard work and will be lining up dumpsters and a work crew to take down the deck. He's helping out an extended family member with their new business as well. Between these things, hopefully connecting with old friends, and getting some lake time, he can have an ok summer, for as long as it makes sense to stay.

     DD1 has planted her raised beds and is starting to see some growth. She's busy with work but also has taken a few shifts in her new friends plant based food truck. DS and I had dinner from there one night, he having a Mediterranean salad and I had a Thai salad. Both were very good. She's still on the wait list for her fence, fingers crossed by the end of June. She's got a work week business trip coming up and hosting out of town friends before that. Her dog remains just a bundle of unconditional love. He did pick up a bad habit of stealing balls from pup from his cousin dogs. 

     DD2 had a week trip with her best friend and family. She too is little by little filling her summer with both helping me, helping the family member, and is on call again like last summer, with DD1's colleague that needs extra hands. She's just starting volunteering with the local Sierra club, which will both help her keep active and add environmental experience to her resume. Her fellowship starts the end of August. 

     And me? Work will be so filled with changes that 12 months from now likely my job won't even be the same. That could be good or bad. I actually looked at a position with a non-profit I used to partner with. I feel I'd likely be a top candidate as the posting reads like my resume and the two people hiring, I believe think very highly about me and my work. It was appealing in that the base pay and benefits was relatively the same ( not much difference in non- profit and public sector) and remote office so I could work from home, but involved 25% travel. That sounds interesting right now to shake up my routine, do something new. Then, I realized that's not the change I want- that would just be different. A job change could add unmanageable stress as I wouldn't have the control over the travel needs. (HP, I heard you 😃).

     I have longer periods of time that I'm not a total mess. Still, there's no pattern, or specific trigger that sets the grief waves in motion. I lost it in tears when DD2 said she too was going to help the cousin. She was DH's favorite cousin, our flower girl, and I know DH would be happy to know his kids are helping her build her dream. 

     Memorial Day weekend was better than I thought, except the boat. The marine motor company dropped the ball twice on me, and there his boat sat, lonely, the tarp filled with a pool of water. Here I thought I had solved the issue only to be disappointed twice. I was also sad no one offered to help with it either, those with trucks able to pull the trailer. I suppose if they let me down a third time, I'll have to ask for some help. (Edit- they finally just confessed they are too busy to take on DH's boat. Would have been nice to tell me that two months or even a month ago so I could have worked out an alternative plan.) It's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I needed a little victory. My brother let me down too in another way. He inserted himself into something, but then didn't follow through on what he offered to do. I'm learning who to ask for help, and who not too, because getting hopes raised and dashed is harder than no help at all. It's hard enough having to  depend on people, but even worse when you feel like you don't matter when someone says they'll help, but then doesn't. 

     Financially, I'm feel the weight of a single income. While of course two people spend more than one on consumable items, everything else is a fixed cost whether one or five of us. I'm trying to figure out a true budget, but my spending has been erratic. I'm hoping June levels off and the erratic spending is done and my cash flow or specifically designated saved funds cover the expenses. Wow, this got long and winded. I apologize. I'll leave my update there. I wish I had anything that energizes me, but for now, I guess just trying to  manage life is enough. Thanks for reading.