As in, it's been a month since I last blogged and IT'S BEEN A MONTH. I can't say I'm sad to see June go. I had a post typed out and somehow deleted the whole thing. From crap about cars, boats, washing machines, and refrigerator filter waters, losing a blog post seemed par for my course. I still sleep in fits and starts, my physical body pain makes my mental pain even more challenging and likely vice versa. I'll spare the details, but at now past the five months mark of becoming a widow, life's not become any easier.
I find I have a three part process for handling frustrating situations. First, I bitch vent out loud, then I cry, then I figure out a solution, even if it's make due for now. The powers that be insist no transaction can be straightforward. I'm bleeding money left and right. Oh well, at some point the major hurdles will be jumped and I'll pull my life back together. Albeit, a chaotic, messy, disorganized life most likely, but pulled together none the less.
June wasn't all bad. I had a lovely time tagging along with my sister in a fast two day retreat. We were wined and dined by her company and given a spa afternoon with manicures and pedicures. Only lunch on day two was on my own, and I splurged and ordered poolside. This humble lunch, with the mocktail strawberry lemonade, was $42 tax and tip. Yikes!
Other June happenings was an in person book club; a welcome change from Zoom. My son was working but the girls and I avoided the lake on Father's Day and had a day poking around a small touristy village not too far from my daughter's. We sampled wine and hard ciders and brought a few bottles of both home.
I also made the first jam of summer. My niece has a sour cherry tree and as we talked on the way to a graduation party, I asked if anyone used them. She told me I was welcome to pick as many as I wanted and let me know when they were ripe. Diabetics beware, but the final product was phenomenal. I picked more to make a couple dessert's plus froze a bunch for a future batch of jam.
A good colleague and friend retires next Tuesday. Her party was lovely with her husband and adult children present. Good for her, but I couldn't help feeling sad for what I'm not going to have- a spouse to enjoy retirement with. I guess I've committed to a cruise with several sisters and their spouses. I'll be the 7th wheel. Do people who lose their life partners prematurely ever get over the additional losses, secondary losses as the therapists call them? I miss looking forward to things that never will be. Maybe this is why my original post deleted. Too much of a pity party.
I've got the week ahead off work. The first half until Wednesday is R&R. The second half is for a few projects, like a dumpster being delivered to tackle the garage with no mercy. I've done nothing with DH's personal items. Besides a party today at my sister's, I'm going to the lake Sunday. I'm playing it by ear but may stay until Tuesday night. We may have the boat sometime this weekend...maybe it will be able to be transported and launched. I may park myself on it with a book. Pup should like to hang with me on the boat as animals aren' t allowed on the Pontoon. We'll see how grandpup likes it.
I get behind and comment rarely, but I am reading the round of blogs, and regular commenters responses. It's comforting to get updates from others, and while I may get wistful, I'm not jealous or resentful reading positive life events. (Well, maybe envy applies.) I also know others are struggling with painful life stuff of their own, and I wish I could do something to ease the pain. Here's to July being a better month ahead.
Hello Sam! I happened to pop in and it looks like you just posted :) I wish I had some sage advice or words of wisdom, but I just don’t. It seems to me, a thousand miles away that you are doing the best you can in this incredibly cruel, unfair situation and handling it better than you give yourself credit for. That jam looks divine and your pool side meal is everything I want in life. Delicious food, sunshine and water? Perfection. And I tackle problems the same way. Bitch, bitch some more, squeeze out a tear, muscle through and then still bitch some more. Happy July to you my friend! JoAnn
ReplyDeleteEvery day I think, today I'll figure it out. Nope, but I try again "tomorrow". Thanks for stopping JoAnn. I do miss regular blog conversation.
DeleteOoh, homemade jam sounds fabulous. I only know how to make freezer jam, and am envious of your canning skills (it looks like you canned)? My grandparents would always take a drive to eastern Washington in the summer, where fruit was super cheap, and come back with boxes & boxes of produce. As soon as they were back, we were on "helper" duty. We prepped all of the fruit, and she made all kinds of things, and canned everything. I wish I had paid more attention to the canning process, instead of complaining about peeling overly ripe peaches (they get insanely sticky) & not being able to be outside playing with friends. :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope your week is a great balance of R&R & productivity. I don't have any great answers on when it gets any easier, and anything I might hazard as a guess seems really trite. FWIW, I think you're doing great, despite it not feeling that way up close & in the moment.
The jam will be made again. I appreciate the kind words. They do help.
DeleteSending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteThe jam looks delicious. Haven't made jam for years. I used to do it every summer. Of course, then it would get eaten by the children. Now that they are grown it just isn't the same.
The couple of days away sound like a nice treat. The food looks good, but ouch, the price!
I use jam for gifts. It seems to be a win. That was a one time treat for lunch. Not my normal vacation digs.
DeleteYou are free to handle this change the way you need to handle the change, with no apologies to anybody. My own trauma experience has taught me that rushing through it or appearing "better" for the sake of others' comfort or normalcy had a nasty habit of exacting payment with interest later on.
ReplyDeleteYour cherry jam looks wonderful! I can't wait to make jam this year. This place doesn't have as many blackberries as my last house or my farm (they're a bit of a nuisance here) but my neighbor has a many, many bushes, so I'm going to shamelessly pick hers when they ripen. I probably have some bags from last year in the freezer too--worth a look. There is something so satisfying to me about the sound of jars sealing. When the kids were little, they'd all cheer when they heard a jar seal.
It's good to hear from you, Sam. I think about you frequently, and send you lots and lots of virtual love and strength.
I know I am allowed to move through this grief crap as I need, but the world still moves and I feel like I'm sliding off. I get the popping rush too from the jars sealing. Satisfying.
DeleteHi Sam, glad to see your post. It has been six months for me, ups and downs. Sold our house, moved into a condo. And I agree, it has been unbelievably expensive. Weird expenses…I bought a fridge at the old house the month Stu passed away, two days ago, the fridge at my condo broke. So two fridges in six months is a bunch of money. Like you said, this time of change will pass. Take care, hilogene in Az.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm fortunate that I can handle the expenses even if a stretch. I'm staying put for a while, but that means investing in things that have slid in the house. I think of you and Kim. Sux months will be in a couple weeks.
DeleteI hate it so when I delete a whole post! I am ready at the moment to never write another post. As you know, it is okay to bitch, to cry, to move on as you can. Another blogger's husband died and I think everything in the house broke, car, too. She was beside herself, but she has three supportive adult children. It seems you do, too. I look for a post from you every day. That lunch looked fabulous. For what you paid, it should have gold sprinkled on it and mixed in the drink...lol.
ReplyDeleteNo gold on the lunch, but at least it was tasty.
DeleteI can't add anything to what Meg said. Take your time and deal with each day as you need to. There is no timeline or correct way to handle grief.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anne. I liked your month of joy post.
DeleteIt’s lovely to see an update from you Sam. You speak of your pain so eloquently. You never sound as someone asking for pity - you are someone who has , and continues to adjust to, one of the most difficult, demanding and devastating events anyone can experience. These are dark and difficult days and the community you have created and sustained here want to hear you. Whenever I talk to you I feel listened to. I hope you feel the same here
ReplyDeleteAnother first for you and the family . You are amazing . That doesn’t mean I don’t hear and see your pain, because I do . Ans I think that makes you more amazing
Siobhan x
Siobhan, you and I hear each other. We'll get this, but I'm exhausted. Aren't you too?
DeleteGood to hear from you Sam. I do not have the wisdom to tell you anything to comfort you. I am sending virtual hugs. Sour Cherry jam is my sister's favorite. Sounds like you had a much needed and nice break with your sister. Take care and be well.
ReplyDeleteIt's already been weeks since the little trip. Reality came back quick.
DeleteGlad to see your post! I don't know what it is like to grieve a spouse. Judging from our friends who are almost all retirees, it seems to range from year upon year of missing their spouse dreadfully to (mostly women) shouting freeeedom as they launch into merry widowhood. I cannot imagine what I would do if I lost my husband. I would probably fall into the category of boundless grief but I have seen several friends grieve their spouses for maybe months or a year or two before beginning entirely new lives of travel, moving to a destination they always wanted to live in, trying new experiences, and even getting remarried. We currently have four couples in our friend group who we knew when they were married to other people who passed away and they somehow built new romantic relationships in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s! I couldn't even fathom such a thing but everyone seems happy so I guess it is possible? I'm glad you have friends and family to keep you busy and I hope your grief lessens day by day. {{{hugz}}}
ReplyDeleteI know different for everyone. My two friends who are windowed have created lovely lives, but they've also been with me in this harsh time too.
DeleteNew commenter here. I appreciate and admire your honesty in handling your husband's death. Given the odds, I expect to be in your position someday. Just wanted you to know that there are perfect strangers pulling for you and caring about you as you grieve and move forward.
ReplyDeleteIt's the reality that we lose people. I'm just still reeling from the timing- it just feels cruel. It is cruel. Thank you for your kind words.
Delete(((((Sam))))) sounds like you need a hug. The cherry jam sounds delicious! I hope you enjoy being on the boat reading a book, that sounds so nice. Take good care of yourself as you make your way through these unknown waters.
ReplyDeleteThanks, friend. Boat reading didn't pan out. New stuff different days.
DeleteI'm so glad you pushed yourself to go off for that spa day with your sister. It must have been so hard to make that effort but it looks to have been wonderful! And indeed, here's to July being a better month!
ReplyDeleteI ma try and find room for a pedicure at least every couple months. July has to be better, right?
DeleteIt’s been great to hear from you. I am hoping your July is better than your June. Take care, Megan.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteGlad to see you post. Heck it is fine to bitch, cry and move on. It happens for a long time - I still do at times. You are doing and accomplishing more than you give yourself credit for. You have a great system around you - sounds like lovely people.
ReplyDeleteI have finally realized this is a new season and it will have a new and VERY different normal. It sucks - but it is all part of life, sadly.
Hang in there - enjoy some time off and blessings to you.
I know I don't have a say in this now being my life. I'm just treating water for now. I long for feeling any sense of normal.
DeleteThis is Barb commenting from a non Living Richly account. I am happy to see you posting. We are all different and there is no time limit. You are allowed to grieve, deal and adjust as you see fit. My first year I did nothing but eat and spend money and cry (or that's what it lookslike now, sixteen years later). Today, I love living alone, have done most of the things "we" talked about doing and have a full life. I also just started attending a grief group again though, so what do I know? (I also lost my parents at forty which makes things a pile.
ReplyDeleteEat and spend money seems accurate. Yes, I'll move forward eventually, but feel stuck now.
DeleteIt was nice to see a post from you. I often wonder how you're doing. I'm glad you got away for a few days with your sister. I can't imagine having to create a whole new 'normal'. Hugs and prayers!!
ReplyDeleteHi , Lori. I hope you too are well, and the Big Guy is recuperating well.
DeleteI still miss things I shared with my late husband and it's been almost 40 yrs. Had friends that just quit being friends. Others just moved on due to their own lives. Hard still sometimes. Hubby is very understanding. He saw both his grandfathers and then my Dad go through it.
ReplyDeleteIf I didn't have trivia occasionally, my kids, my sister's, my social circle would be the Wheel of Fortune contestants. I miss having plans with other couples. Odd person out. I know you get it.
DeleteI too was glad to see you posting. What lovely jam this looks! Good for you!
ReplyDeleteThe jam turned out really well. I'll be making more.
DeleteVirtual hugs. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cindy. I'm still a mess.
DeleteGood to see you back here. It's been over a year since my sister died and I still grieve. I can't imagine what you are going through losing your beloved husband. I think all you can do is go forward however works for you.
ReplyDeleteI feel stuck, not moving at all. I guess I am though. There's a lot going on or not going on depending on perspective.
DeleteOh, I am always the odd woman out bc of being divorced and single. I think your trip will be fine, especially since it is with family. I have this issue at church also. It takes a bit to get used to it. Hugs. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteI'm going with the flow I guess on the trip. My sister's won't let me feel left out, but I know I'll still be awkward.
DeleteGlad to see you posting again. Vent away.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to release my emotions, then act. It works some days, others not so much.
DeleteIt's so good to see a post from you SAM. I think of you and the children often x
ReplyDeleteJust replying right now made me cry. I don't know why. Thanks for commenting. We're all a mess to a point.
DeleteSam you are so brave. With something so huge to deal with, every little issue can seem a struggle, even things that would have been pleasant in different circumstances. And yet you're continuing to deal with it all, move forward, seek out the good stuff, find the positives, and care for others. That's such an achievement.
ReplyDelete