Most people experience disruptions in their life plans due to unforeseen or unplanned circumstances. Job relocation or job loss, unexpected health crisis, another child, or an elder parent needing transitional or long term care can put a life course wayward in short order. I've experienced each of these, and even the joyous one, an unexpected but much wanted bonus baby, put DH and I back on a the couch with pen and paper, outlining new goals and timelines. I've no direct experience, but have witnessed family and friends that have experiences that were devastating. Divorce or loss of a spouse or child, meant not only did life plans get put on hold, they were scrapped entirely.
A local radio station does a feature once a week or so where a listener has a situation that they are uncertain what to do, and they have other listeners call in sharing what they would do if they were in that same place. This young women called because she found a letter in an envelope, addressed to her, but never sent, packed away in a box from seven years earlier. The letter was from her then boyfriend, now husband, telling her he wanted to break up as there was no spark, and thought this was for the best. In figuring out the timing, she knew that was about the time she had learned she was pregnant with their first child. He didn't break up with her and they got married, and now have two children. She was now questioning whether her whole marriage was only one of obligation, and if she should bring up the found letter with her husband, to learn whether or not he still felt the same way. Cutting to the end, she learned he really didn't ever grow to fall in love with her, and was only staying in the marriage until the kids grew up. Upon reflection, she realized, while they didn't have a bad marriage, she probably has always felt the same way. Her questions now went from should she bring up the letter, to should they even stay married. This young mom has major decisions to make with her husband that impact four people, two who have no say.
I'm not sure why this story has been so on my mind. I suppose it has got me thinking about how I would handle a life shocker or wake up call. Are my hopes dreams, aspirations nimble enough to withstand a major life event? Would I have the courage to start a new path, or would I fight to hold onto the path I feel I should be on? I have become a bit of a blog reading addict. I read blogs from young single people, navigating life in the early stages of their careers. I love the blogs from 30s something moms, that bring me back to when my kids were young, and I smile when I read their silly stories, and grimace with remembrance when I hear stories of behavior and social challenges with kids. My favorites blogs are by the newly, semi, and about to be retired writers who have or are in process of forging new paths, and are now independently employed, paid or unpaid, but fulfilled. Depending on how our current planning goes, I am anywhere from 11-16 years from retiring from a "job." If that could be sped up by figuring a way to earn enough income to cover our needs and get out of the daily work grind, that would be ideal. I want to learn from others who have done just that. Realistically with over 4 years of secondary school, and college looming for DD#2, nine years might be the likely target, but then I can't know what life might throw into the mix.
In my mind, I have lots of ideas and routes for the next 20 years or so of my life. Some are more concrete, in that I've attached savings dollars and have congruence with DH's ideas. Some, admittedly, are pretty half baked, but I'll choose to think of them as aspirational, like relocating to the UK. So what about your stories. Who either by choice or circumstances has started life anew? Who has forged a new path, machete in hand, clearing a way forward to the next stage in life?
Early retirement when I was 58, was forced on me by ill health. The real choice is how one deals with situations one wouldn't choose to be in. The couple on the radio show chose to accept their responsibilities to their then unborn child and have continued to treat that responsibility as prime. I made a very conscious decision that if I couldn't have what I want (family, health, ability to work) I would want what I have, which includes adequate finance, good friends and a home and garden which nourish my spirit, and a delight in creativity. I think you too realise that contentment lies not in having what you want but in wanting what you have.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I agree life is better if you put attention to what you have now, while still looking forward to new possibilities.
DeleteMy decision to change my life has been 'rumbling around' in the background for a couple of years. It became reality after I'd met some friends (who also work as teachers) for lunch in November. We'd been talking about all the things that drive us mad in our respective schools. I reflected that my financial situation was strong enough to support a break or slight change of career, and that my increasingly elderly parents and parents-in-law really needed my help. One of my friends said "Don't leave it too late".... 4 hours later I was chatting to my husband about the prospect of new life plans! It's funny what triggers new situations. Jx
ReplyDeleteWhat worries me about scaling back employment, is security fear for now and the near future. DH is commission based, and the cost of college just goes up and up. Neither older kids are truly financially sound, and would hate to not be able to help them out if they got in a real bind. I know we are supposed to plan for our own future first, according to the experts. I think we will be financially sound at a traditional retirement age of 65, as supposedly we are doing our retirement savings "right", but hope when DD#2 is done with college, the security fears will graduate with her, and we can move out of traditional employment before I reach 60.
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