Thursday, February 4, 2016

Living in a Pressure Cooker

My attitude sucks sometimes, and I can hold onto negativity much longer than I should. I'm prone to melt downs that sometimes come over insignificant things because I've had enough of having to be tough for hard things. Yesterday was a good day. Tonight I am holding on by a thread. I'm having  a night where the wrong word, the wrong look, the wrong thought coming out of someone could send me spewing volatile words, so I will hide away and hope my family has the good sense to see I need to be alone.

I met my sister-in-law tonight after work. This is the one that on Christmas, I finally let out pent up frustration about her interaction with my family. It went well enough, on the surface, the elephant in the room for future family gatherings expelled. However, I feel raw. While I won't say sociopath, her way of being able to manipulate reality into a new set of her own truths is amazing. I almost made myself sick on the drive home, rehashing her interpretation of past events, realizing it really was not going to end any other way than her being the victor-the sympathetic character in our estranged relationship. For the sake of DH, I'll pretend all is right when we are with extended family. I won't put myself in this vulnerable spot again though,and guarantee I will not accept as much as a toe over my personal boundary line the next time.

I don't do well with confrontation, even quietly verbal confrontation as this was. It drains me slowly until all I want to do is crawl in bed with covers over my head. If that isn't possible, the reverse happens, and the pressure builds until like I describe above, the thread snaps, and the lid is blown from the pot. I don't know if it is winter blues or natural response to stress, but I don't like that these melt down/blow up moments are happening more frequently. I need to find a simple release valve for the bad days.

8 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you with this situation! I know it all too well myself and do the same as you. I just found your blog recently and have been enjoying it.... Take care! =)

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    1. Thanks TracyeeBee. I think we all live like this at least some days. This blog is a bit of a release valve.

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  2. Hi have found your blog and enjoying immensely. Just to say my last major melt down was work related and resulted in early retirement for me because l knew I would be ill if I didn't so the outcome was positive. Family matters are different though and I know how challenging they can be. I have now conditioned myself to wait before I let rip resulting in putting a sunny smile on my face disguising what's going on underneath then I find I quickly forget all about whatever has upset me. It doesn't stop the sometimes idiotic behaviour of others but it does help me manage my own responses lol.

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    1. Wendy, You are so kind and thanks for reading. Work meltdown happened over a year ago, and finally left! Again, I've committed to never get so invested in a job that my own mental health impacted. You hit the right words as it is up to me to manage my responses, which for the most part, will be just finding space elsewhere, even if it means an early exit form an event. I do sunny smile very well.

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  3. Now that you made the effort to heal this, tell yourself you did as much as you could and now this just keep your contact with her to a bare minimum to keep piece in the family. Does your DH side with you when it comes to the SIL or does he still not see her for what she is?
    Oh, the joys of families we marry into(and the ones we are born into as well).....8-(

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    1. DH has been great-he knows and grew up with her, but has always been able to let her personality role over. The reality is, I think most of his family see's this, and have always just blown it off or moved on quickly after any altercations. Yes, I do not need to go out of my way to spend time, will be polite and friendly at family gatherings, and if I make it another 30 years keeping my mouth shut, she won't remember the next day what I said anyway.

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  4. Hmm... I have a similar person in my life. They only have one set of 'truths' - theirs; believe that they have the moral high ground in everything and can seriously ruin my day. Time spent with her is frequently extremely frustrating. Sending lots of 'bloggy best wishes', Jx

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    1. Oh my gosh, Jan, it seems most of us do, doesn't it? Who knows, maybe I am that person in someone else's life? Scary thought, but as Sluggy said above, I dealt with it, and can put it behind, knowing there si nothing more to do or say, but trying not to ever let my day get ruined.

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