Winning the Battles

Don't you love looking at vacation photos and remembering the places and people you were with? I do, but then, I get this sinking feeling as I look at myself in those pictures and think, "How did that woman get in my pictures." This is not a fat bashing post, or an aging issue post, just a bit of a lament that I get frustrated that my appearance doesn't match what I want to see in myself. I know I am heavier than I want, have a crooked tooth so I often don't fully smile, and so I tend to look crabby and lumpy in pictures. I want to be more carefree and enjoy these after pictures, but it will take a while. There have been victories on this journey. Four years ago I was in so much pain all the time I could barely walk up and down the stairs in my own house to do laundry. Now, through getting my iron and vitamin D levels to appropriate counts, my mediocre, yet efforts all the same, of doing my physical therapy exercises, and trying to eat better, I am stronger than before. In the last year I took vacations to Washington D.C. and the Alaska coast and for the most part, kept up with the bulk of our group. Let me tell you the walking and climbing was intense on both these trips. Still, while  I do vacation photos, just not a fan of me being in them.

I am still 56 pounds from the healthy range of where I should be for weight considering my relatively small body frame, but despite the weight gain on vacation, I am still down seven pounds form the first of the year, and have had a successful week avoiding crap food. My life seems to be a series of battles with myself towards winning the war of self acceptance and positive self image. Maybe that is the key, tackling life's curve balls in small winnable battles. I can choose when and where to be on the offensive, such as scheduling a good long weekend hike in one of the many nature centers and regional parks in my community. I can be on defense by accepting a small little treat, but avoiding seconds or too large a portion.I can proactively take measures to feel good about my appearance despite the added pounds by putting a little blush to my cheeks and a spot of color on my lips, things I just don't usually bother with, but know a little makeup can go a long way to brighten a face. 

Maybe I need to keep taking cues from the younger generations. Vloggers like Alex at Learning To Be Fearless or Loey Lane who promote positive body image for all size women, and focus efforts on fashion, make-up, and uplifting other women.  I like their energy and few would deny they are beautiful young women. Key though, is they are promoting healthy lifestyles-mind and body, but from the perspective of larger size girls. 

To this end, as I close out these last few days of August, I can think of a battle for each day that I may take on. Today, it is the battle of not snacking and drinking plenty of water. When I am home all day and trying to get massive things done, I'll often just grab handfuls of things to nosh in small but frequent breaks, no sense of what I've actually consumed. Today, those breaks will involve a glass of water, and I will take the time to eat a proper lunch. What about you? What are your personal battles? How do you focus on offense and defense to win each one? 

Picture from last summer-one, even though silly, I am o.k. posting.