I've kept to weekly blogging. It's a way to track my days, which all just seem a blur rolling one into the next. Things are happening here so I need to wake up figuratively and literally everyday and be ready for the days plans.
Last Saturday was devoted to outside. The tree limbs hauled, more weeds pulled, hornets nests dealt with. My daughter and neighbor were the heavy lifters. I'm not great with hard physical labor, but did my best. Sunday was more sublime, but another couple hours still. I had inside cleaning that needed to be done since nothing happened Saturday and I was less than successful. The pines are all tackled now. We priced mulch at Menards and now I have to figure out how much I need per tree.
My counterpart to Kim's Sissie wanted to do sort of an intervention with me. She thinks I've not given myself time to grieve because I'm too focused on kids, my job, the house projects. Then in another breath she asks why such and such hadn't happened yet or brings me stuff from her house and can't understand why I don't want it( more clutter). My level headed sister came as support for me, and it all was fine. Everyone means well, but I can't help feeling judged that I'm not widowing right. 
Lower branches removed on all four pines.
Meals this week were simple. My only shopping was at the Kwik Trip for necessities- and potato chips which I slovenly ate in a single sitting. It was not a single serve bag and I felt the impact.
- Saturday- Leftovers from a Chipotle lunch
- Sunday- Pasta concoction with assorted vegetables
- Monday- The girls and I took my mother-in-law out for an early birthday dinner as DD2 is gone for her actual day
- Tuesday and Wednesday- just me, so had leftovers found in freezer from last week
- Thursday-DD2 had an elective procedure, neither of us felt like meals so just sort of nibbled
- Friday- Cheese ravioli with spinach in a pasta sauce
His truck broke down too so I doubt he'll finish in the week estimated. I'm mentally wore out, emotionally drained but it will be so nice once done. I tell myself that at least.
It'll be a few weeks before using as the concrete needs to set. Another project for my hard working daughter to help me with.
I'm only catching up reading your blog so I'm sorry to read your husband passed away. It seems to me you are doing really well with whole situation. I'm glad your daughters and son are there for support. the upkeep on your property is a good investment and you'll enjoy your deck when it's done. good thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteI think it will be nice outside space. Once it's cooler, I'll do more clearing and cleanup and prepare for spring.
DeleteWow on your in- laws. To be real, I think they suck. People can be so lame. I have had the same issue with some of my family members though. Your pine trees look fabulous and I love your patio furniture. I hope your deck gets finished soon and you are able to enjoy it. There is no timetable on experiencing huge loss and total
ReplyDeletedisruption of plans like you, Kim, and Hilogene and your other friend, have experienced. I wouldn’t worry about what others think if you are “doing” widowhood well. I seriously doubt they would be doing it any better than you, if as well. I didn’t “do” divorce well, still don’t, and it has been 20 years… lol. Virtual hugs. Cindy in the South
I may have portrayed in-laws unfairly. No one has been unkind to us, just not "there". I read this is common human nature, so I m trying to not dwell. I just want to be stronger. It's going to be a rough week.
DeleteI understand but ? still they could have done more, especially as a friend/relative. I also have had to accept that my in-laws were grieving in their own right so it’s complicated! After my husband’s death at 41 I got no help from in-laws and my family was 3 hours away. My mother-in-law watched my 6 year old son for about 3 hours while I got ready for my oldest high school grad party, only 9 months after my husband’s death. That’s it, nada since!! (He’s 33 now). They’d mentioned taking my boy’s hunting and fishing as they’d loved it but never did. I also think they swindled land, money, farm stuff as I was clueless. I still see them on holidays they are still family, I know they have grief but I think my late husband would have been so disappointed in them and I do carry some anger., but I move on. And fyi still grieving but it gets easier.
DeleteSam, I am
DeleteNot the second anonymous post directly above me.
Idk who that is who posted under my post.
Cindy in the South
I think perhaps it was Renae, just in new comment thread, by error, perhaps. I followed it though.
DeleteI think it’s incredible that you are still managing to blog - and every point you raise resonates - particularly how to “ do widowing right “
ReplyDeleteTonys birthday was 19 days after his death . I spent the day weeping . Like you I have an uneven relationship with his family ( I have never thought of them as mine ), and I find I am withdrawing more and more from people . It’s Tony I want . I imagine some of this resonates ? I guess what I am trying to say - in my inarticulate way - is that there is no right or wrong way to “ widow”- there is only your way . You didn’t plan for this , you didn’t ask for it and you didn’t want this life - it’s unfair and it sucks and it will be a pain that you carry with you . But every day you get up is a supreme effort which you should be proud of . I am proud of you .
Siobhan x
I will get over to visit. I'm budgeting to hopefully come next fall. I'm committed to the cruise with my sister's this year and by next year, will know where my daughter lands grad school wise or employment. No, neither of us asked for this and it sucks.
DeleteI look forward very much to your visit and meeting in person 🥰
DeleteSiobhan x
I can't wait to see your patio when it's finished - I hope you're out there reading a good book and curled up with a pup or two soon.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to think about your in-laws - maybe they're grieving in their own way?
Hope you're feeling better soon. We're having a Covid upswing here in CT and I've started masking again.
I suspect my in-laws are handling the loss how it works for them. I guess I just expected more, and that's probably not fair to expect anything from them.
DeleteHi Sam! It's always good to see a post from you. Contractors are difficult, aren't they? Hopefully you'll have your new patio all set up soon to enjoy. My patio is one of my favorite happy places. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. Remember other people's problems are their problem not yours. You are getting up every day and put one foot in front of the other and I think that is wonderful. Enjoy your weekend.
ReplyDeleteI am growing thicker skin. You are right. I shouldn't expect from anyone any particular reaction.
DeleteHon - you 'widow' the way you widow!!!! No one can tell how or what to do. Each and every person is different - you know I know this first hand too. You do what you want - when you want - how you want - and ignore the goobers telling you different.
ReplyDelete(By the way - I have little relationship with late hubs family at this point. A couple are just fine - others were too toxic). I had to take care of me - so do you!!!!
The patio furniture is lovely. The deck will be great when finished.
I think you are doing well. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - that is all we can do.
You got this. HUGS!
The judgement I feel is self inflicted. I need to let any comments just pass. They don't matter right? I didn't mean to say my in-laws are bad, or toxic, more just missing.
DeleteAzalea grew well under my pines, but I had more light than you have. I read about hosta under pine and think it is too labor intensive for my tastes since they need lots of water under pine since they have dry soil. But, you know what you are willing to do.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.gardenerreport.com/hostas-under-pine-trees/#SnippetTab
With your hosta, maybe you can get portions of those for anywhere in your yard. Did you ever divide your hosta?
I am not sure why anyone would criticize how you widow. It is a shame that you never get a call or just a card to show they care for you. I am sorry for that.
Too bad about the patio construction! Even if he cannot carry away the wood, at least he could get it taken apart, maybe. I do like the patio set and hope it has a home soon.
One idea that worked for me was using pots for Hosta or any plant. I could move them about. Even on the patio, I would use pots, but that is just me. In ground plants that fail were too much for me to think about...lol. Now is the time of year to buy cheap pots. I need a new pot for my lemon tree.
No one is critical but myself I think. The deck is now taken apart, waiting for him , his truck, and trailer. I'll look at plant options. I have not split my hostas yet.
DeleteI would do the hosta splitting if I were there.
DeleteI feel for your situation but I think you are going through it your own way(who's else's way would you anyway?). Shitty in-laws are everywhere it seems. I'm going through some of my own family nastiness(which may mean I'll never get to see my only grandchild once she arrives later this month as my son has turned his back on his own parents). But that's my cross to bear.
ReplyDeleteYou keep doing you and I wouldn't worry about the false friends/family and them letting you down. You can count on your kids and rely on your own strength(mentally). Contractor/Handymen can be frustrating and annoying to deal with but just keep going forward with the projects you feel are necessary/worth your while. Life keeps moving on even when we aren't ready. 8-)) Hugs, slug
Sluggy, I'm sorry. Do what you can for your own needs with your son. I've learned life is meant to share joy and love, not intentionally look for sadness. You are a person full of care and love and that baby deserves to know you. I have bad broody days though and feel I need to back off from my in-laws. I unfairly am putting my heart on their sleeves.
DeleteI'm not sure how anyone can dictate "how to widow" for you or for themselves. I'm sure it is different for each person. I am sorry you are still struggling, but I think I understand. Life has enough challenges without someone implying you're doing something wrong. I think you should reach out to the BIL wife, if you thought she was a friend. She may not know what to say and often people are afraid they will make things worse, because of the family connection. They may be trying to protect you, again, because of the family connection. Then again, the concept of inlaws, in itself, can definitely change when their connection has passed away. (thus becoming outlaws) It's okay to laugh but I would contact the wife. If she sounds uncomfortable, just tell her you miss her friendship. In the meantime, you have been keeping yourself busy and that I understand. It keeps you from thinking about things that are painful to deal with. I think this is something that takes however much time you feel is needed. Do what you need for you. Take care - Ranee (MN)
ReplyDeleteYou are right. They may be backing off out of care, not because they don't care. I'll see how this and next week goes.
DeleteHi, glad to see your post. You comment about “doing widowing right” really struck me like a lightening bolt. I don’t have family or friends applying any pressure. I seem to apply the pressure to myself sometimes. Over the past six months, I have sold our home, downsized hugely, bought a condo, and now am renovating. I occasionally wonder if I am doing it wrong. A huge number of people yapped at me “to not make any decisions for a year”…even folks blurting that out when I hadn’t asked for advice. I listened and then decided what I wanted to do, and off I went….As I ponder it, it feels right to me and I am happy with those decisions, but occasionally that thought does rear up. Am I not showing my DH adequate respect when I sell the house so soon and move? Knowing him, he wouldn’t care, but the thoughts do drift by….Interesting that we, with or without external pressure, can feel pressure anyway. All the best, Hilogene in Az
ReplyDeleteI'm in awe of you moving to what works for you. Yes, you know better than the experts what will be in your own best interest. I'm my worst critic. I don't like asking for or needing help.
DeleteHope your cold feels better, and I hope your daughter has a good trip. Glad your neighbor and daughter helped with the backyard
ReplyDeleteMy daughter and neighbor were amazing. Well, sister too. She means well.
DeleteSorry I hit publish by accident, but just wanted to say that you do what you need to do. No one can tell you how you should grieve. Sending hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteAt no point in life are we handed an Instruction Manual on how to be a kid, a teen, an adult, a bride, a wife, a mother, and now, a widow. We all just get by the best that we can, so great big wicked hand gestures to those who think they can judge you. Your husband would be proud of all you've accomplished, and you can be as well. Some days will be good, others, not so much. It's just the path you are on right now; it won't always be this hard. You've got a much bigger fan club out here than you realize. We are rooting for you! xo
ReplyDeleteSome days I don't want to leave the house- or bed for that matter. But, I must. I'm my biggest judger.
DeleteSounds to me like you're doing great so give yourself the grace you deserve.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bobi.
DeleteThe thought that anyone knows what you need as you navigate this unexpected trauma of widowhood boils my blood. No one is entitled to pretend they can walk in your shoes and know what is best. If right now, focus on your children is keeping you sane, then good for you for knowing that. You will grieve how and when and in whatever manner serves your heart and your mind.
ReplyDeleteI know his family lost a son, brother, uncle but dammit, you lost your life-partner of decades! I'm so sorry they haven't a moment for you. It says much about them and nothing about you.
Hang in there and know that strangers out here are sending our energy for you to hold yourself up to get through each day. Hugs.
As Rae said, perhaps they are giving me space out of care. Who knows. It was just hard to not hear from them on the 6 month marker, but getting an email about paperwork that day! It just felt so cold.
DeleteSending you love. Do everything in your own timing, as folks are saying - there is no manual for life, in general. I am glad you do have some support, I am sorry to hear your in laws are not being as supportive. My brother and his wife went through a rough patch and I did not reach out to her, it felt so awkward. But, I should have and your in laws should try. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteI think no one is intentionally ignoring me, unless they think I want the space. Since I wrote that Saturday I've been reflecting a bit more and maybe trying to give everyone grace, myself included.
DeleteI think you are widowing just fine. I'm so impressed with all that you have been doing. You matter, you grieve in your own way. You feel like laughing or dancing in the rain, do that too.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I need a nap. I'd like to sleep a whole night some time. Grief is exhausting. I guess that's my way.
DeleteHave you considered talking to your Dr. about maybe a sleep medication? I understand if you’re totally adverse to it but as a nurse it might be beneficial.
DeleteI have discussed and am leery of taking something stronger.
DeleteI think you are amazing Sam. You're getting an awful lot done but then maybe that's what YOU need to do - keep busy. If that's what it takes for you then more power to you! I'd be disappointed in your hubbie's family too. Some things just can't be explained can they. Keep on doing you but please remember to rest also and take time to just do nothing, if that's what you want to do!
ReplyDeleteI need to have his to do list moving forward. I need my house to feel like a respite. I guess his family has their own ways.
DeleteThere's no right or wrong way to be after losing your long-time partner, everyone's different, we're not all clones. Pity your in-laws can't step up, but you have plenty of loving close family and friends who have. You're doing amazingly well with all you've done so far.
ReplyDeleteYes, I need my energy to stay with my kids, and am lucky for those that have been a support.
DeleteOh Goodness, is there a book on "Good Widowing" that you forget to read? You are doing whatever you feel is right for you, no one else can judge.
ReplyDeleteYour outdoor area is going to look great, it will be worth a little extra wait. I can't wait to see the finished product. Megan
I've found no books or manual. I'm my worst judge. It's taking longer but I hope that means it will be extra well done.
DeleteSomeone being judgmental of your grieving process is crazy. Says more about them than you. I’ve gone zero contact with my in-laws, even the one sister in law I was close with. It’s sad because I miss my nieces and nephew, but I can’t support their toxic marriage and destructive ways any longer. I am very afraid that they will all end up on the news one day. Yesterday was my birthday! One thing about me, I’m a big birthday girl. Love, love, love to celebrate and I was spoiled this year by my friends and family. I managed to get a nice picture of me, my kids and their significant others and that might have been my favorite part :) I should stay home today and get this house in order but I’ll do a quick straighten, have a visit with my dad and then get ready for our annual girls trip. The weather doesn’t look stellar but we always have fun no matter what so I’m not worried! This is our last hurrah for the summer. DD moves back into school in two weeks. JoAnn
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, JoAnn!
DeleteThanks Bobbie!
DeleteHappy birthday! I don't want to go no contact and I don't think anyone is toxic, just perhaps self absorbed. But, that is how I've always felt about his family. They might be giving me space since they do all tend to be bigger than life personalities.
DeleteThanks! It’s hard to know people’s intentions sometimes. I’m glad your family issues don’t involve police, threats of violence and divorce and cheating allegations. That’s the tip of the iceberg and that’s why I choose to protect myself.
DeleteOh no! There's more indifference and grandiose vibes than any real drama. Both our families are pretty tame, just have both dealt with too much sadness. I think that's why I'm sort of hurt. They know how much loss my family has experienced in a relatively short time. A former boss that came to DH's funeral made a humorous comment ( appreciated) that she thought of joining our church because she's been there so many times. Two parents, three brother-in-laws, a sister, my father-in-law, a nephew in-law and now DH in just 13 years. That seems a very high ratio of family grief, but I suppose the bigger the close family, the more risk of loss.
DeleteI think you have to do whatever works for you and "widow" in your own way and time. Ranee's suggestion of reaching out might help? I was very surprised by who did not reach out to me after my sister died. I finally reached out. Most hadn't known what to do, and so defaulted to "giving me space to heal." People can be clueless. I did let go of my longest, and closest, childhood friend, tho. Some relationships can't recover. I hope your daughter has had a good visit with her guest. It's nice that she has a comfy house to host friends.
ReplyDeleteYou talk about your sister often, and should keep doing so. I know you must miss her terribly as I do mine. It'll be 10 years in November since she passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly.
DeleteI too enjoyed reading your news and hearing you are OK.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm ok. That's the goal. Someday maybe I'll hope for more.
DeleteThere is no correct way to grieve.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having issues with TheHub's family. Neglect is an issue and the fallout from it lasts a long time.
I could be wrong and the lack of contact is them giving me space, not disinterest. I may have portrayed them unkindly and unfairly.
DeleteI think you think their lack of response to you in a time of great loss is unkind and unfair to you. Please don't blame yourself.
DeleteDear Sam;
ReplyDeleteSissy here, you are widowing just fine. It is time and a process and watching my sister go through this is a struggle, but love conquers all!
You are doing great! Remember Grasshopper?
Does it though? I think having support is great, but I'm conquering nothing.
DeleteThere is no right way to widow or do grieve but in the end we do it alone
ReplyDeleteI do recommend a group later in the process. I have joined a grieve group even though my husband died in 2007.
Thank you for your thoughts. Therapy was not useful at the time, but maybe another route may be.
DeleteJre A quote I read is, grief comes in waves, some of them you ride, some you barely keep your head above and some you feel like you’re drowning in. This seems so true, the sad thing is you don’t know which wave is coming or when. Twenty some years after my husband had died, after I’d raised four young children I was on a solo road trip driving along the Blue ridge Mountain Parkway pulled over looking at the most majestic view and a bright yellow convertible sports car with a matching small pull behind trailer pulled up and an older couple got out. The wave that hit me!! I sobbed for hours!! My retirement was not supposed to be this way, he missed everything! It gets easier but then something triggers something!
ReplyDeleteJre, I think I already know what you are saying. It's the punches from no where that seem the worst. I don't even have young children to raise so can't imagine your experience. For me, the commercial where the whole family loads up their cars and meet in the mountains to do a slide show with their mom and dad, hits me hard. I have to turn the channel. Thank you for sharing what you've experienced. I know I'm not the first or last person to have to start again.
DeletePeople who are suffering feel exposed to more hurt, of course they do. Nobody should ever be judging. Sometimes others can be insensitive.
ReplyDeleteSome days, in just raw. Others, I just develop a hard shell.
DeleteYou are doing great. Try to be as kind to yourself as you have been to those you've supported when they were in your position. How I'd love to be able to give you a great big hug, have coffee and walk with you. Always in my thoughts x
ReplyDeleteCoffee and walks have been my go to therapy it seems. I don't hold the market on sadness and struggle. I hope I'm kind to others and will try harder to be to myself.
Delete