Writing this, I am a bit down tonight. I've been trying to figure out little ways to bring in some fun money, side little opportunities to bring in cash for fun that let's us save more. People have suggested the surveys. I had good luck with those one earning a $25 gift card, so thought I would sign on to a couple sites For the third time in a row, I've been passed by for a Focus Point Global study because of my age-too old. Apparently, opinions of the 28-42 year old mom matter, but not this haggard old cow.Then the mirror has been laughing and mocking me and my sun burned skin. I know things are a little saggy and not so firm, but the variation in skin color depending on the depth of burn is making wrinkles that I never thought I had jump off my face, neck, and shoulder area. I'm just feeling old tonight, when a week ago, I was thinking my skin is holding on pretty well for 50 in the lines department.
Granted, the news of Orlando has brought everyone down into sadness. Every death is a loss, though I particularly have visions of the young man texting his mom as his last act, and my heart breaks for them both. DS always texts me as his communication mode first, so that's the face I see. A coworker who was quite recently diagnosed with lung cancer, passed away Thursday evening. I'm still processing that. She's my age, and has a 22 year old son that just graduated college. This should be his happiest moment in life, but instead, he, as the next of kin, has to plan a memorial service. Maybe she's taking care of that other mother's son right now.
I'm trying to read all the blogger's I follow. They cheer me up with each funny story, silly anecdote, and rant about stupidity. I love you guys-keep it coming! I guess this is my first bout of feeling my age; knowing and thinking my life is more than half over. Maybe it's disappointment that I didn't go ahead and book the ridiculously cheap flights to Europe for DH and I for November. I glanced today, and our same Paris flights would be nearly $600 more than if I had booked them last night. My young colleague booked hers to Coppenhagen, bless her soul, but I'm envious that I no longer have the vitality and impulsiveness of youth. We just got back from church, Monday night in the summer because we have so many cabin folks. Our youth pastor, who has become a dear friend to me and DD2, is leaving to join her husband in a new calling.I feel like another child is moving away, and that makes me feel old as hell.
Anyone else that had thought they were aging just fine, suddenly succumb to aging melancholia? Will I get out of it? If you have an answer for me, look me up at Walgreen's. I'll be the one buying wrinkle cream, Geritol, and a new tube of toothpaste. .
I have been a participator in a writing exercise via my other blog, Sam and Coffee created just to hold my writing indulgence. The latest prompt was to write about the age I am now. As I am now less than three months shy of turning 50, a fretful milestone birthday for some. I am not particularly bothered by my age. I could do without the aches and pains, but manage with as few medications as I can. No, what bothers me, is the passing of years, and the reality that my "to do" list, will most likely outlive my life. I'm not talking "to do" list this time in terms of cleaning the oven, decluttering a closet, or vacuuming the stairs. This list is more relational to a bucket list, though not so grand. Sure, there are those big events I have on my wish list, or bucket list; traveling to far off places, writing a book and actually publishing it, taking an educational sabbatical, these all rank high.
What matters just as much, if not more, is my truly basic "to do" list. The big moments may be grand and memorable, but the little daily events outnumber 10-1. Stopping on a whim for an ice cream cone with DD#2 when I picked her up from practice, just because, was a good "to do." Sitting with DD#2, showing me her latest project on-line, and hearing more about her new (now official) job, just the two of us in the middle of a Friday morning, allowing my telecommuting morning to be interrupted for a bit, was a good "to do." In my post today, I decided there was again that link with time and money. You need money for some of the big experiences, but you need time for the ones like hanging out with friends for long afternoons chatting and laughing over cups of coffee. To have the time, means you need to have enough money somewhere to not be spending those same hours earning a living. It is a circular treadmill, one that I realize I haven't completely gotten out of. I am probably coming off as contradictory. I say my increasing age isn't bothering me, and yet this pending birthday is stirring up these thoughts. The difference in being bothered by an age, and being reflective of the passing of years, passing of time, is perspective and who you are and how you spend your time-no matter what your age.
I don't feel 50, but then when I was 21, I didn't feel 21. What is an age supposed to feel like, anyway? Things are in different places on my body; I creek when I get up. My fingers don't do what my brain is telling them to do at times, but in many ways, my mind seems younger than it has ever been, more nimble and if not accepting of different points of views, at least willing to listen. I guess I am saying I will try to strive towards a celebration of 50 years of life. Instead of lamenting about getting older, I want to look forward to how ever many more I have, while not being nagged inside that I'm letting down those that didn't reach whatever age I am. In this spirit, who's up for a party this year?
