As are most my Saturdays during basketball season, I spent the day in a suburban school gymnasium watching tournament games. My daughter brought along home work to work on between games. I sat, as usual when DH isn't along, at tables where the other parents were gathered. I was physically there, but not with them. I find this is often the case when I am in extended groups of parents. They all talk with ease about their next social gatherings; who's doing what for the Super bowl game, who's hosting the next game night. DH and I don't belong to any of those kind of wide social groups. I've been trying to figure out how to describe my lack of inclusion in social settings. It's not that we are anti social. DH is about as outgoing as they come, and while I am probably more reserved, I can have friendly conversations with individuals and groups without awkwardness, if it isn't a closed topic. We just never seem to belong in with a group. We each have friends, and we have friends as a couple, and get together with them on occasion, not living in social isolation. We're just never in "the group," no matter who that group is.
I researched a few terms that have floated in my head. Socially incompetent came to mind, but the definition seemed more with people who had a habit of rubbing others the wrong way, or not being able to read others and behave inappropriately. Socially insecure also came to my mind but that seemed to relate more to those that couldn't attach emotionally to others. It dawned on me then that the people I know that always seem to be in a wide social group, had one or maybe two common elements that tied them all together, and to be in that group, you truly had to have that initial element. It's chemistry 10, and we don't have the right chemical makeup. Instead of a term to describe my husband and I, the better term to come up with describes the groups-socially insulated.
Yesterday was an example of the sports parent bond that forms this chemical insulation. DD#2 is on a team this year that is mostly made of girls who have been playing sports together for the last 6 years, and she, and three others, are new to the team. Often as adults we become friends with parents of our children's friends. If these six families have been spending every weekend together for 6 years, it makes sense that they have formed socially as well. Kids in sports and other activities seems to be one of the common elements to adult social groups. Our children over the years have had so many varied interests, and were different ages and sexes, we never really were part of a formed parent group. High school and college bonds seem to hold some social groups together over the years. Most of our couple friends are DH's friend's from high school and their spouses, though for whatever reason, he has really only remained close with a couple of them. I grew apart from my high school friends quickly after a break up with a boyfriend in the same friend circle-he kept the friends, in fact, married one. Both DH and I had non traditional education paths in college, so no fraternity or sorority bonding there. I see work bonds with past colleagues, but as I moved out of a department and into the management ranks, my social glue disintegrated.
While I adore the deep friendships I have and coming from such a large family of women that genuinely like each other, and do have a lot of social connectedness, it is not the same. I find I am longing for membership in "the group." I don't think I am alone in this desire. The successful nature of online groups to me is evidence that people are looking for a sense of belonging with others that share common elements. Many of us are looking for that chemistry. Take this farther to see the wide expansion of meet-ups all over the world of like minded folks looking to hang out and socialize, under a common interest or theme. I've explored a few, but haven't jumped into the trenches yet. It's still January, so 2015 aspirations are still in the forming stage. I will add "find my group" to the short list of changes I want in my life by the end of year. I'm looking for suggestions on how to do this, and if you find yourself in the Twin Cities and looking to do the same, let's connect.
