About the Down Days

     

     Thanks virtual friends for listening yesterday. My ramblings were a bit of an outpouring of stress and emotions due to so many things seemingly piling up in my head. Reminders of someone who lost a spouse unexpectedly, a classmates child dying, multiple new waves of uncertainty and change at work, and just feeling poorly. It's feeling under appreciated, even if that's just in my head, and just on the bad days. Then there were a few "material" moments. The green eyed monster poking through. Hearing about  the new ocean side house made possible because her husband got a massive retirement buy out, and he's younger than DH.  My frustration was hitting a high as I woke up feeling lost that I can't seem to get chaos managed in my home. DH's long hours and exhaustion, my flip flopping between having too much on my plate and yet not enough if that makes sense, all compound and I end up just feeling low. Then, the guilt that these feelings are so petty, so first world, I move to being ashamed of my feelings, which adds momentum to the downward spiral.

      I remembered this photo I took at the Van Gogh exhibit, so many faces, so many things going on at one time in a persons head. It's how I was, am feeling right now. Sometimes I need to just let it wash over me, let it drip off, get my fatigue, pain and stress out so I can shift gears and try and rejuvenate. Sometimes a day makes the difference, but other times, it might be several. This might be a several day bought of the blues, but I'm working on it. Pushing through and doing my 10  simple pleasure's, joys, or things that make me smile yesterday was a step. Taking pup for an extra walk; pup who just so much wants to be with me all the time, was another. Going to bed early after slathering on ointment on my knee  and the parts of my hip that connect to my lower back helped me wake up less sore today; which means less cranky.  But who can explain why the black dog comes when it does. It just does for some of us, uninvited, and lingers for moments, sometimes days, or weeks. I'll just work around it, resisting the urge to crawl back in bed and cover my head, and wait it out until  it retreats back from where it came. 

Not So Positively Tuesday-Battling Covid Fatigue

     Depending on  where I look, and what I am doing, at times, the world looks normal. If I leave the house, I grab my keys my phone, my wallet-perfectly normal Oh yes, then I need to make sure I have hand sanitizer and a clean mask. When we are all home, I wash said masks each day and back in each of our pile. So very not normal. I battle with my husband bringing  his masks to me to get washed. I tell him he need to think about them like underwear. He wasn't pleased with my analogy.  It's not that he's rebelling; he just doesn't think about it, even though he needs to wear his mask inside at work, though I know they are often  not unless a customer is with them. 

     Fortunately my nephews came back negative, which meant they were not possible carriers to my MIL, or other family members unknowingly. Sadly though, it seems to have confirmed  their view in their family that the whole covid is nothing, which means we'll be less likely to spend time at the cabin when they are there, as they will continue to do their own thing, with little regards to those of us trying to keep cautious. I'm hearing of weddings and graduation parties, that perhaps smaller, are still going ahead, and college and military send off gatherings. There's a forced normal happening as those would say, we just need to get on with life. 

     The anti maskers are full of hate on Twitter, attacking all governors that put measures in place like masks and restaurant requirements. They virtually scream it isn't about health, it's about control. I find that utterly  stupid as with all the things in  a state or country to try and control, forcing people to wear a mask is going to be the tool a fascist ruler uses? OK. So thousands of countries are pooled their collective fascism together and invented a story around a common cold gone rogue, all in the name of getting people to wash their hands more frequently and wear masks. Governors are called murderers for opening schools in person. putting money and the economy  over lives. Governors are called lying liberals if they require schools to open with a distance learning model only. An action has equal parts venom and sugar, with healthy over the top sentiments of both. 

     I'm so tired of it all, and no escape really. I have done well to stay off any negative or riling posts on Facebook. I try and scroll past Twitter, but admittedly, get sucked in a bit. I can't avoid completely as part of my job, but I must do better following only the things I need to follow. I'm wore out from work, and trying to think of every scenario and making a plan for it, knowing whatever we decide, no matter how detailed it was researched, debated, and coordinated, it will be met with anger over going to far or not far enough. I know  no one will be happy-it's just a matter of who is pissed off the most and how vocal they are. I can't control any of that, so need to focus  on managing my own  fatigue to the situation-writing out this post is an effort to do so. I woke up with a major case of Covid fatigue, but no, like others, I just need to get on with my day, while hoping there will be days to come that are truly normal. 

Edit: I popped over to yesterdays post to read and reply to comments. I feel a bit better having looked at the sunflowers again, and the sunny comments from you all. It made my day.

Edit 2: Thank you all for the comments, which reassured me I am not alone in my thoughts and experience. 

Life Keeps Moving

Short, sweet, and off to the commons for chips, tacos, salsa, and mojito's. DD2 was inducted into the National Spanish Honor Society last night. They have the ceremony done right. A little introduction as to the history and purpose of the society. The student leaders presented an overview of their team service projects. The new inductees received their certificates and lanyards, and 2nd and third year members had their names read. Whole ceremony in under 30 minutes, despite their being 59 new kids, and at least another 80 repeats. The evening was shared with the National French Honor Society, who had their ceremony down the hall in a multi purpose room, with 1/3 the numbers, but the reception was for both. This meant little quiches and crostini with brie, pear,and balsamic vinegar was also served. and those mojito's, non-alcoholic of course. Here's DD2 in a dignified pose with a couple friends.

Our show choir friends, mom and daughter, were in attendance, just the day after the spouse and fathers funeral. I can't imagine what they are experiencing, intense grief, but not wanting a young person to miss out on celebrations and passages of her childhood. I find they are in my thoughts constantly.  

Life is an incredible, sometimes sad, and sometimes miraculous adventure. We heard via Facebook and text messages that an extended family cousin of mine, I think 3rd, (our moms were cousins and best friends) who has been going to chemo and radiation therapy has been declared breast cancer free. How wonderful for her family to hear. Just two days ago, we received news that my nieces husband was diagnosed with a rare form of another type of cancer. With two young children, 6 and 10, support and help will be needed. Then there is this wonderful community we live in. Already last night, someone had started a Meals Calendar and the entire month April was already completely filled in with volunteers. My siblings and I will work with my brother and sister in law, my niece's parents, on where we all can best help-baby sitting, taxi services, yard work, whatever might be needed.

I feel lately I've been sharing so many sad things; but there is no getting around that in life. By sharing these things with you all, I hope to keep myself focused on recognizing the positives wherever they are in my life. My intent is that I'm finding hope and joy when things aren't so great. Last Friday we enjoyed a concert by a local college. DD2's group performed a couple songs. The video is not great quality off my phone in this small clip, and you'll need a plugin on your computer to listen/view,  but hopefully you can hear the joy in the music. I keep listening for those sounds of joy. On that note, have a lovely Friday.

Embrace Life

This has been a sad week. Over the weekend a 51 year old man from our church passed away, unexpectedly "but peacefully" the obituary said. His college age daughter played the drums in the teen ensemble when DD2 was first part of the group. Monday night, the 52 year old father of one of DD2's show choir friends died unexpectedly at the same time the finale production was happening. His wife and I worked together before the first show and in between the second show, steaming dresses, organizing the racks, and helping the kids get ready. She mentioned her husband and a couple other family ended up not be able to be there and she had extra tickets. I've become friendly with her this year, both of us being in the education field have a lot in common to talk about on the long days chaperoning. They also have a college freshman son. I noticed she got a call right at the start of the second show and left abruptly, but I thought nothing of it, assuming a family member did make it, and she was going to find them.The kids all stayed late yesterday making cards for their friend and her family.

My beloved 95 year old aunt passed away Tuesday morning as well. She was my dad's oldest sibling, the last surviving member of that generation. I will write a whole post about her, such a beautiful soul, with more heart ache and tragedy in her life than anyone should face, but who lived a life of caring and giving to others. More than 40 years of living difference between my aunt and these men. I am heart broken that neither will see their daughters grow up, build lives and families, that J will not see his son pitch the spring home opener for his college baseball team. I'm heart broken that while my aunt lived such a long life, she was the last connection to my dad's life before any of us were a part of it.

I'll continue to write about the struggle and successes to save money, managing to find time, trying to have adventures, both little and big, and creative cooking. Today though, I have pensive thoughts of my own life, and fear that I am wasting it, not embracing enough of what the world has to offer. I own guilt for my quick biting response to others when I'm annoyed, particularly those most dear to me, and my pettiness about stuff in life that really doesn't matter. For now, for the immediate future, I hope I can just focus on being a good person. I want to truly appreciate every blessing I have, especially those that I don't always see as blessings. From my messy house, to my less than fulfilling job, to my mother in law with a critical eye, who will be returning soon from the south, to my chunky body, I want to see the good of all. On that end note, I wish the same for all of you.

When a Door Closes

Read between the lines and you can probably figure out I didn't get into the next round for the dream job. I lamented a bit by text to DD1 and DH. I whined on the phone to DH as well. I felt disappointed, had a little pity party in my head driving home. By the time I was in my driveway, I was good. Thinking back, I answered every question honestly,accurately, and without pretense. There is nothing I could have done differently. Of course I had to get the news on a Tuesday! They just weren't looking for me to put forward. I'm annoyed that I didn't actually ever meet the client. That seems a bit disingenuous since the recruiter contacted me after the closing period and had several rushed turn around times. That's how recruiters work I guess. I can honestly say though I will not work with one again if solicited for anything short of a dream job.

I love the picture above. The first part, the touchy feely, it will be ok message. The bottom half though, is funny, yet empowering. I don't need to wait for someone to open doors for me, my hands work perfectly well to open one myself. Better yet, how about I build a door and create something entirely new to walk through. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. On the bright side, I got three blog posts out of the saga.

Loss

Loss is inevitable in life. Yet, when it happens, the gut wrenching sadness can still be overwhelming. My dear friend lost her mother this week following a several year illness and a long draining final month. Mrs. L was one of the warm, caring people of the world who are almost ageless in their ability to befriend anyone they might meet. She was friends with my mom, her late husband was  friends with my dad. Several of my siblings were friends of my friends siblings and two of my kids grew up with her grand kids. We have lifelong bonds, so I feel this loss more acutely than with other friends parents.  

I remember hanging out as kids, and everyone loved being around her mom, never any awkward parent moments. As an adult, if I ran into her mom out and about on errands, we would chat away and soon half an hour would be gone, though it felt like just a few minutes. She always was eager to know news about everyone and shared the highlights of her family. As a person of faith, I am comforted to know my mom has her friend again in heaven.

Another loss, is our sweet little guinea pig. He was so full of crazy energy, rattling his cage when he wanted to hang out, and then suddenly he just passed. We have called the vet and looked on line and learned it is not an uncommon for guinea pigs to have heart issues and strokes.  It has to do, I researched, with the domestication of essentially a wild animal and an unfortunate breeding dynamic. This is speculation-we did not have an autopsy. Pup seems really sad, and keeps going to the empty space where the cage was. As DD had another pig when we got pup, who passed away about nine months before we got this little guy, poor pup has experienced a loss of a friend twice. Of course DD is devastated. We will not replace pig due to her only being home for four more years, and the previous two pigs lived over 6 years. 

My trial on living life with a glass half full attitude on Saturday really did help me wake up in good spirits on Sunday. I did as I had willed, tried it again on Sunday, despite learning my friends sad news. On Monday, we learned a financial issue that we thought was clean and done, has reared its head again, and needs to be put to rest for once and for all.  It will be to the tune of $4,800. Tuesday we lost pig. And yet, I feel more optimistic this week about life overall than I have for a long time. I am sad, frustrated, and scared- no denying that. There is something though to pushing through the grief, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety to find something left in the glass to get me to the next refill.