Day 14-Joy and Hope

Another Joy: December
morning coffee in a
special mug by tree light..

      Two full weeks into the last month of the year. Since 2020 and 2021 let us all down, might 2022 be the charm? I have a lot to look forward to in the coming year. I've got many self imposed challenges and an updated side project to go with blogging. I've got some milestone birthdays to celebrate with family and friends, and new additions in the family to come. All this gives me joys to think about and hope things have to get better. Today though is to look back and capture the joys, the simple pleasures, and smiles of the past week.

1.  Went to a highschool band and orchestra concert with my friend and had a catch-up last Tuesday night.
2. We attended round two of our daughter's concert in Minneapolis. It was nice my MIL and older daughter could come and we were able to get pictures quick with the singer.
3. Not much was open after the concert in town but we went to Applebee's and had appetizers. Try their pretzels and beer cheese-yummy.
4. Our daughter didn't join us for food, not much she could eat, but she also had out of town friends coming for a long weekend. They made it safely ahead of the snow.
5. Friday I shoveled a bit, but DH did the mountain of it Saturday morning early. It was nice to run my errands with the snow cleared.
6. Saturday was just a good and productive day. Nothing special but felt satisfying.
7. DH made breakfast burritos for us. I ate mine later as I don't eat for a while after getting up, but it was nice to have someone cook for me for a change.
8. He also tackled a few Christmas decorations for me while I went grocery shopping. I'm stocked for treat making supplies, minus a few things.
9. I got my proposal done and it moved off my plate. There likely will be tweaks needed, but I was happy with the stage I moved it along.
10. Christmas cards! My display is growing since before the Saturday mail. Mine will be going out today!

     

     That's my 10 for the week. Likely more joys than my list shows- the quick call with my son, sharing recipes and restaurant ideas with my older daughter, and funny texts with the youngest. Pup always is ready to make me smile, though he was not a fan of the neighbors 5 month old large puppy who wanted to jump on him to play. He was not having the rough play. I got him a new toy Saturday, dubbed "guy" and he is a fan of it.

      Have a positively Tuesday.

Little Boys and Little Girls

Late yesterday afternoon, my nephew swung by to pick up DS to go to the local bar and grill for happy hour with some friends.They are only 15 months apart, E being a late summer baby, was the youngest in his class, and two years ahead of DS in school. He had the most awesome cars, trucks, and tools, and at a very young age, knew the mechanics of everything. DS on the other hand was into dinosaurs, and Indiana Jone's, excavations, and later recreating events and story telling through pictures and film. Two very different boys, but so close in age they still gravitated towards each other at family hang outs. E picked him up at the same time as I was taking Pup for a walk. As DS got in the back seat, a friend already being in the side, he had to maneuver around a little doll, and stuck it in the car seat. E has a four year old daughter, a wife, a mortgage, a 9-5 job, and a quiet life in a small town. He plays softball one night a week in the summer, hockey one night a week in the winter, and meets friends for an occasional beer after work, but not on Wednesday's when he picks up a shift bar tending to help with the added expenses of dance lessons, and an occasional weekend away. 

DD2 is going to be her bestie from childhood's maid of honor in the spring. S met a guy through online dating, found him a perfect match for herself, and within four months they were living together, at the guys house, with a dog, and engaged about a year after that. I think it will roughly be two years since they met to when married. Like DD2, as a youngster, she played basketball. She also golfed (still does) and was DD2's golf instructor. While going to school for counseling, and getting her masters as well, she seemed career focused, like DD1. Unlike DD, S wanted to find the perfect guy, settle down and get married sooner rather than later. Always needing to feel loved, a string of relationships with "the one", always left DD1 perplexed and prepared for the inevitable call or text of heartbreak that was bound to come. Still, always the supportive friend, even across the ocean, DD1, has been there. As to S's perfect match fiance, the house, underwater financially and in need of pricey home improvements neither have the money for, and the successful business man persona has been dusted off to uncover a thirty year old man struggling to keep a business afloat, underemployed the bulk of the time, and a potentially as needy as she has been. As the human imperfections on the fiance emerged, responding honestly, but kindly, whenever S has had a spat, DD1 is still there for her friend. She helps her friend understand that no person is perfect, and she just needs to be honest about how real life actually is, not a fairy tale, but still can good. 

I've known these young people almost their whole lives, and many other friends and young relatives of my adult children. I remember when they were all little boys and little girls. It is amazing to me when I think how fast the years have gone-seems like it was  just a year ago when my nephew was pushing my son around in his Little Tykes car. Yet, they all grow up, with lives so different. DS doesn't have a family and children anywhere on the visible horizon, yet doesn't rule out some day. He knows his schedule and career is erratic, and needs to live a portable kind of life to truly take advantage of opportunities for his career development, not conducive to a family, or even a partner unless that person too is in the business. DD2 will never settle for anyone as a significant other just to be in a relationship, and that's not to say she is a snob. She's not looking for any one to change or anyone to change her. She knows the type of character she might meld with, one that is honest and self fulfilled first with themselves. She may or may not have found it with her boyfriend. He seems to be of full support of her interests and career, and has his own interests and pursuits, neither needing the other to fill some hole. 

My and DH's choices/lives were on the nephew-bestie track. Neither of us fully followed the dreams of our younger self's, but still created a good life. There is not just one path for any of us, but a series of decisions that build upon each other until thirty years later, you look back and see what was created. We were both a little boy and girl to someone else looking backwards, wondering where all the years went. It's never to late though to reconnect with that child.

Breath In and Exhale

I took a deep breath in on Tuesday morning, and then held it. Yesterday afternoon I finally exhaled. The self centered panic I felt Tuesday morning waking up to the horrific news in Europe went beyond the anger and sadness  and worry that my daughter was travelling during the latest attack. The fact is, read farther in behind the headlines in any major paper, listen to international broadcasts of news, surf foreign papers on the website, and you'll know terrorists are at work almost daily, tearing apart cities and homes and people's lives, wielding  swords of atrocities, oppressive weapons that they claim they are fighting against. 

I felt like this after the Paris attacks, but after praying, talking, and reading stories of hopefulness, I moved on. This time though, I am embarrassed to say, is the first attack where I felt my own vulnerability and more importantly to me, my child's vulnerability. If the worse happened, I wouldn't be there for her. In this instance, I wasn't with her to comfort her, have her comfort me, and say a prayer together for those hurt, and thankfulness that our family is safe. The horror of the Madrid attack came back. The attack of the subway provoked reminders that my older daughter could have been on that London subway, even though it was years before she lived there. 

I know this is irrational, and I never have had the ability to protect my kids from all things evil in the world. But yet, I feel like this fear for my own kids well being and anger that someone could snatch away good in the world with one evil act, is important and necessary. I need to care. I need to not just wake up, hear a news story about Brussels, Paris, Ankara, or Istanbul, shake my head and say nothing more than, "that's so horrible." It isn't just ISIS and their breed of religious extremists, but the drug cartels, arms dealers, and local gangsters ripping apart neighborhoods, cities and countries that are terrorizing too.

I need to have the love of my family take hold whenever I see  prejudice, and oppression, and hate or greed filled actions of others, and say "No. This is not right." I need to not turn a blind eye, and act publicly in my words and actions to stop letting money, greed, and power rule the world. I'm a middle age, small town mom. I have no great weapons to combat the bad in the world, but I have an overwhelming desire to know my children, and their children, and the generations to come have lives filled with travel, and friends, and hope. It starts at home in my own community, and it extends beyond American borders.I'll go back to blogging about the mundane, the routine, the incredibly beautifully ordinary tomorrow, and will read about your beautiful lives as well. And I will keep being angry at the bad in the world, while trying to do what I can in thought, words, and deeds, as written by the Apostles. I will live life! One wise reader has commented , "..if we give in to fear then the perps are victorious far beyond their target." I agree and will not let them have that victory.

Loss

Loss is inevitable in life. Yet, when it happens, the gut wrenching sadness can still be overwhelming. My dear friend lost her mother this week following a several year illness and a long draining final month. Mrs. L was one of the warm, caring people of the world who are almost ageless in their ability to befriend anyone they might meet. She was friends with my mom, her late husband was  friends with my dad. Several of my siblings were friends of my friends siblings and two of my kids grew up with her grand kids. We have lifelong bonds, so I feel this loss more acutely than with other friends parents.  

I remember hanging out as kids, and everyone loved being around her mom, never any awkward parent moments. As an adult, if I ran into her mom out and about on errands, we would chat away and soon half an hour would be gone, though it felt like just a few minutes. She always was eager to know news about everyone and shared the highlights of her family. As a person of faith, I am comforted to know my mom has her friend again in heaven.

Another loss, is our sweet little guinea pig. He was so full of crazy energy, rattling his cage when he wanted to hang out, and then suddenly he just passed. We have called the vet and looked on line and learned it is not an uncommon for guinea pigs to have heart issues and strokes.  It has to do, I researched, with the domestication of essentially a wild animal and an unfortunate breeding dynamic. This is speculation-we did not have an autopsy. Pup seems really sad, and keeps going to the empty space where the cage was. As DD had another pig when we got pup, who passed away about nine months before we got this little guy, poor pup has experienced a loss of a friend twice. Of course DD is devastated. We will not replace pig due to her only being home for four more years, and the previous two pigs lived over 6 years. 

My trial on living life with a glass half full attitude on Saturday really did help me wake up in good spirits on Sunday. I did as I had willed, tried it again on Sunday, despite learning my friends sad news. On Monday, we learned a financial issue that we thought was clean and done, has reared its head again, and needs to be put to rest for once and for all.  It will be to the tune of $4,800. Tuesday we lost pig. And yet, I feel more optimistic this week about life overall than I have for a long time. I am sad, frustrated, and scared- no denying that. There is something though to pushing through the grief, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety to find something left in the glass to get me to the next refill. 

A Tale of Two Worlds

Proud mom moment so bare with me for a few words. DD#2 auditioned and was selected for an honors choir and today is the all day rehearsal, and concert late this afternoon.  I was up early driving her across the metro to get her checked in, and now back home until we go back later with grandparents for the concert.  It was a beautiful scene at check-in.  Dozens of 12-14 year olds from all parts of the state, diverse in geography, culture, and appearance, will all join together as a one time choir. I've heard my daughters practice and I have no doubt that this will be a phenomenal experience for her, and for those of us that get to listen.

Transition just a few minutes later, back in my car listening to BBC World.  We let the Sirus expired on the car after the free trial, but  guess we get a free month, so back listening to the one station I found not overwhelming.  Sometimes many choices is a bad thing. The news commenced with a horrifying report of 28 people, riding on a bus in Kenya, were horrifically murdered by Islamic gunmen, separated from the group when they could not recite from their holy book on command. each was shot.This was followed soon by a follow-up story told by a Muslim women on how she witnessed her son's brutal beating to an inch of his life by a group of thug neo-Nazi's, followed after leaving his university in a European city, which I missed hearing, still struggling with what I had just heard about Kenya.  Equal opportunity terrorism. From the innocence within that high school  registration hallway to the horror on the radio, I was slapped again with the reality that there are people in the world trying to make it an evil place.

Another story on the news focused on the controversy of the We are the World remake from the 1980's BandAid fundraiser song, with 2014 musical artists, and still Bono.  The words have been rewritten to focus attention and raise money for Ebola research and relief for  the countries impacted.  the controversy is that the rewritten words seem insensitive and trivializes the condition, and in the long run will hurt later investment once the crisis is over.  The other part of the controversy is there are many  African musicians that have already been recording and promoting  music to bring attention to the crisis, and the money spent on redoing We Are the World would have been more effective going with the African Musicians platform instead of pandering to self indulgent music stars.  I do find the new version quite tacky, and having heard some of the African music, if it was music that compelled me to donate, I'd go with the latter.

So in this month of November, when in a week, families across the country, and American expats around the world will celebrate Thanksgiving, I must give thanks.  I am thankful for my family, the opportunities I have, and the fact that I don't worry daily that my race or religion are going to bring me or my children  harm. while not perfect, I am thankful for the medical system, and the caring professionals that take care of my family when faced with sickness, knowing most o the time, things will be alright. I am thankful for the beauty in the world, even when it is gray and dreary outside, with no sun shining. I get to hear a choir of  beautiful youth voices tonight, and go to bed saying a prayer of thankfulness, and a prayer of hope. Have a lovely weekend.