Beating of Drums

Anxiety attacks can hit me anytime.  Some people experience them so regularly that it is difficult for them to participate frequently in ordinary life.  I am fortunate in that my bouts are far between, and I often can recognize the early stages and remove myself from the situation that might be the trigger.  Family gatherings often do this for me, and those that go on for more than three hours are a regular trigger.  Knowing this, I try to time things and stay in the general vicinity from arrival to leaving.  Unfortunately, holidays are harder to keep to that window.  Yesterday  the hours seemed to stretch and there was no where for me to find a few moments of quiet to collect my head.  By the time we had gotten home, I had no resiliency left and my heart was beating harder than drums out of my chest and my lungs couldn't get any air. 

I love my family, but I find the gatherings chaotic and borderline panic inducing. I am envious when I hear from friends that it is going to just be themselves for Easter, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving. It hasn't helped that while even though I come from a large family, we all were quite introverts, and gladly retired to spaces of our own, no questions asked, when the noise and gatherings became too much. We have things like Christmas eve appetizers and dinners, and then folks move on.  Easter is a simple brunch, with most of the day still available for relaxing with your immediate family or alone. Any gathering that hits four hours is considered an "all day event", but rarely do holidays go so long. I married into a family of just the opposite. Family events are orchestrated, with roles assigned, and forced conversation starters. The holiday dinner table starts feeling like those corporate meeting ice breakers, with a couple of DH's siblings playing facilitator. There doesn't seem to be a lot of organic conversations,  just a series of interviews. Any departure that hasn't been preordained, under the six hour mark, is met with, "Leaving so early.  We didn't even have time to talk."

Admittedly, these gatherings progressively bring out my worst characteristics. The dwelling on the innocuous statements or hearing something as belittling or insulting that two hours earlier would have rolled off me with a laugh. My interpretation of hypocrisy is heightened, and I grow more and more intolerant (though of course keep it all inside to fester) of statements made that are far from my core beliefs. These things happen in my family, but there I feel like I can say, "Wait a minute.  I disagree with you and here is why..." without feeling like I'll then be put on trial to defend myself. 

Easter is always a hard one for me because of it falling on a Sunday, after the kids have had some extra days off school, but invariably procrastinated school work until Sunday night. There is no extra day off after the family gathering to decompress before back to the work week. We also had DH's mother with us, so felt like we needed to be on her time table. That was last night.  I crashed about 9:00 emotionally and physically exhausted, but with an anxious loop keeping me from good sleep.  I'm typing this at 3:37 a.m., unsuccessfully trying to fall back to sleep since waking up at 1:00. I think I may have made myself tied enough to try again.  I hope the drums can stop at least until the alarm sounds.