Why it ever became so hard to just accept a compliment, is beyond me. I had a similar experience two years ago, with a different response. I was a panelist at a conference and was just meeting a co panelist for the first time. I have a unique pair of eyeglass frames, wire, purplish in color, with a molded ribbon like feature on the side. After the introduction and before the panel started, she and I were chit chatting, when she said, "Love your glasses." I recall sputtering something like, I am due to get new ones. I bent the frames so they don't sit quite right on my face. Oh I wish I could wear contacts, or something very much along those lines. She quickly doused my self deprecation and said, "No, you just need to say, thank you." I should add for context this was an education panel, my expertise being early childhood, and hers being youth out of school time, particularly out of school programs that foster empowerment of girls. I am working on this, which is why my story about this afternoon represents a real break through for me. Why is it so hard for me, and many woman I know, to just say thank you? Why is putting a disclaimer on appearance, cooking, art, or style necessary when another person expresses their appreciation for your effort necessary? DD#1 doesn't have this problem. She knows she works hard, or takes pride in herself, and gladly accepts the compliment. DD#2, while very shy, has learned better than her mother to say just respond with "thank you", even if it is said in her wee little voice. I can learn from my daughters.
Good question. :) For various reasons, we are raised to question (criticize) ourselves, be "modest", be "humble"... we are not really taught to appreciate ourselves, think highly of ourselves. I think it's pretty universal for people, especially women, but also sensitive men, in many different cultures. When I was very young, probably 18 or 19, I read a book by Sofia Loren where she said about compliments just what your friend at the conference said to you - "Just say thank you". Accept it with gratitude, graciously. Since then, I started doing it when it's about my appearance. When it comes to other things which matter much more to me than my appearance (writing, learning something new, academic things etc), I also find reasons to "under-demiciate" my success. I think we just feel self-conscious, not totally sure of ourselves, that's all it is. We learned to doubt ourselves way too well, and now we are unlearning that skill. :)
ReplyDeleteI suppose it is like any other bad habit that must be unlearned. Self-doubt, yes, even with affirmation from others it creeps in doesn't it?
DeleteHiya Sam .... just popped by to read your post & wanted to say I wholeheartedly agree with all you have written. I recognise myself in there too .... I am learning slooowwwlly to just say "thank you". I do it with regard to my home & garden too ... if someone compliments me on the lovely garden I often reply "oh don't look too closely" etc etc .... Lets just say I am a work in progress :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm like that on my house. I see every imperfection, every corner of dirt, so a compliment there is really hard for me to claim. We can both keep making efforts to smile and say thanks. It's kind of ironic, many of the things I thank God for, my health, my home, food, clothing, are things I negate when others acknowledge them to me.
DeleteSo glad you are learning to say thank you to a compliment! Saying thank you is a sort of compliment in itself - complimenting the complimentor on his/her taste. Conversely to reject a compliment is to undermine someone's taste, hardly a gracious thing to do!
ReplyDeleteNow that is a new thought I didn't. think of. You are so right. Deflecting a compliment may not be humble at all-just ungracious to the giver.
DeleteHmmmm - you've got me thinking.... I know that I hide behind being capable in my job role. I feel fine when people compliment me on the work that I do - but when a compliment gets more personal I get really uncomfortable. I've always put it down to my relationship with my parents - who have always been lovely and caring, but very sparing with the compliments. Jx
ReplyDeleteThat seems to be a common thread-shying away from the personal compliments. Having a very reserved upbringing myself, I can relate.
DeleteSomeone advised me that you should view a compliment as a verbal gift- I find them hard to accept but have learnt to thank the person now rather than batting them away.
ReplyDeleteArilx
Frugally Challenged said a similar sentiment. These are gifts.
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