I have loosely been following and learning from The Minimalist 21 Day Journey over the last week and today is Day 7:Relationships. This is a step I can totally embrace and it was one of my focal points in wanting to reframe my life, thus starting the blog as a sort of accountability tool. Things with my immediate and extended family had gotten out of whack. I couldn't have a conversation with my husband without it turning to a focus on work. My conversations with my kids were driven by school, job hunt, school, testing, and not hopes and dreams and faith. Conversations with siblings and friends were the busy game-whoever had the most on their calendar won the bragging rights. This is a fitting focus after my rather somber posts of the last two days. Who are my relationships with, and which ones need to take priority? I don't live in a terrarium, so my garden of life needs attention.
DH-the hubby: Without a good solid partnership, the best of marital matches can be strained and fragile. To keep that strong, we need time together enjoying things we both like and supporting the likes of each other. We also need our space to keep being strong as individuals.
DD's, and DS-the offspring: Two are adults, finding their way, and I need to back off, yet be there when they ask. I also have to request they do the same for me as well, and that has been difficult at times. I am learning a new challenge in parenting with adult children, not yet in new nuclear families of their own. With the third child, we've got another four years of teenage life,and then the young adult stage. We need to ensure she knows we have her back in her decision making, yet will hold her accountable to our rules and boundaries while giving her space to make her choices.
My family-the siblings: It is still odd to think we do not have parents anymore. There is no natural bond anymore that draws us together for holidays, Saturday impromptu meals, and shared obligations. Yet, we still do gather as regularly as we can. Having lost the 9th sib going on two years ago, means I don't want to lose my connections to any of them, though it is very different sibling to sibling. The one older sister and one younger sister to me in age are probably my two best friends.
My friends-the sanity savers: I have many friendly mates, but very few close friends. The ones I do, I don't see nearly enough, but when we do, the time between just melts away. My college roommate, who I was honored to be in her wedding, and knows the big family craziness as she grew up in a household almost as big. One is from my childhood, lost connections in high school when we moved in different circles, but friendship refueled as middle year adults. One is a former coworker, who together, we inspired each other to keep moving onward and upward in our careers, but found at about the same time, the need to get off the insanity track. Lastly is a newer friend, but someone who seems like I have known her forever. We just get each other.
This next group is important, but not necessarily for me to nurture, but because of DH. His family: the in-laws: If the family I married into still doesn't quite feel like my own after 28 years of marriage, it probably won't ever, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate what they mean to my husband. He too lost a sibling, many years ago, and recently his dad. Despite our very different social and political views from some members of the family, we can agree to disagree and still share love.
What about you? Which relationships are most important to you? How do you ensure the right amount of attention to foster them?
This is a really interesting post, sometimes it's good to take a step back and take stock of your life. My family always have and always will be my most important relationships but that doesn't mean those relationships always come easy. Relationships take some nurturing. We make sure that everyone gets some time to themselves and some time alone with each parent and Grandparents/friends/Godparents etc. Best of luck with your relationships x
ReplyDeleteI agree it is essential for one to one time with each child. Obviously different now with only one at home but with calls, we still can connect.
DeleteI think sometimes the Universe sends you reminders. And I think you said somethings that I needed to hear. I need to bck off my daughter a bit. She is grown and can and should be doing what she needs to do. She will find her path and all of my nagging won't help.
ReplyDeleteI thoughy parenting was supposef to end at 18, but so wrong. They still need us but in different ways.
DeleteI had to walk away from many relationships because they were poison. I haven't spoken to many family members in a long time. The thing is the longer I am away from them, the healthier I feel. They were taking so much from me and I didn't even know it. How sad is that? I'm 43 and I couldn't even see how some of the people that had been in my entire life were doing such harm. Now I am a little more careful about who I let in and I have to say that it has helped my disposition so so much.
DeleteSonya sent me, and I am glad she did.
ReplyDeleteI spend too much time on people who really aren't important to me. Soul suckers.
And not nearly enough 'quality' time with those that are. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you for stopping by! Soul suckers-we all seem to have them but we aren't required to feed their hunger! Good luck with staying clear of them.
DeleteI have few relationships that are important to me, which means I don't have to juggle time to allow me to nurture them. I gave up with my in-laws at the age of 24; a person can only try so much before they realise that it's a waste of time and energy. I have barely seen them since, and I am now 50. Hubby rarely sees them either these days and has said that once his mother dies( she is now 90) he will probably never see them again, despite the fact that we all live in the same town. His ' brother' recently invited us to his 60th birthday party. He hasn't made any kind of contact for 10 years, and even the invitation came via another sibling. Needless to say, we didn't attend. Hubby has nothing in common with them other than the fact that they had the same parents. We may be odd, but we feel no need to foster relationships with people purely because of that fact. I have told hubby that should he die before me, I will not inform his family. They haven't been interested in him, me or our children while he is alive, why bother showing up once he is dead?
ReplyDeleteWhile i can't say I would walk away and shut the door on extended family, I have strategically not attended an event or activity when I knew I didn't have the resolve to just tune someone out. I don't find it odd. It is one thing to have nothing in common, but quite another to be mistreated because of individuality. I am fortunate that way in that I grew my resilience and defenses before permanent relationship damage could be done within the family. But I have cut ties entirely with a former group of "best friends" who were anything but, shortly after starting my family young. One outright told me I was "going no where" and she couldn't risk her future by associating with me. Well, bye bye then!
DeleteI imagine parenting an adult has its challanges. Relationships...you're right to give this matter some thought because it is an importan subject. Well, I only have one sibling. He is only a year and a half older than me, so I always felt we'll almost like twins. We are not much alike, but we have always been very close. I used to be really close with my parents, but that changed once I got married. I can't say I feel particulary close to my in-laws...It is not that I dislike them, but I just know there won't be a real bond there.
ReplyDeleteI do try to keep in touch with my extended family ( and that's a lot of people) because I feel a genuine connection with most of them. I have a few close friendships that I'm trying to keep but it is not easy because we don't see one another often.
I don't really have co-workers, I just have people who hire me to do something for them. I actually miss having co-workers.
With my older kid, I have to remind myself they are adults, and remind them that returning phone calls or picking up the phone on their own once in a while for something other than help is what grown ups do. In-laws are funny in that so often the only link we have is our spouse. I get a bit bored with mine as well-I don't know the old neighbors, friends, and distant relatives-I don't need to hear about them. I don't need to hear anecdotes about my brother in law when he was 6-the same one 5 times this month alone.
Delete