Words alone do not express the sadness I'm feeling, will feel, for sometime. The service for my friend won't be for nearly four weeks and actually will be over three days, a modified cultural norm, with the final day including her burial. Until then, her children will try and complete the school year, her husband will slowly start the adjustment to being a single parent, and her other family and friends will move through our days, stunned, but getting on with life as we must. Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and thoughts. I'm trying to make sense of the loss, no warning signs, no tragic accident, just a person here, then not. This is how we lost my sister 4 1/2 years ago the day before her birthday. M's birthday was yesterday.
I think we owe those who die before us, particularly those who die young and untimely, to make the most of life. I say this, believe this, yet know I will struggle with my own self doubt. But, at least for today, I'm going to affirm what I have and what I want to do with whatever time is left.
1. I spent an hour on my book (the one I have been writing for two years now) Saturday night. DD2 and DH went to see the 2nd Guardians movie. I decided to self invest time and let them have a little dad-daughter time. I shaped up a couple segments. M was one of my biggest cheer leaders to write the darn thing.
2. I lost 1.8 pounds. I know this should be part of Feeling Good Friday, but the fact that I lost anything, just trying to avoid unhealthy food, but otherwise not paying too much attention, means I might be on my way to a slow and steady weight loss.
3. I signed up to participate in a "bar" as in desert bar crawl at work. I haven't joined in on too many agency wide things, but felt after two years, it was time to get out of my immediate work area, meet more people, join in. I made pumpkin bars. Oh my gosh though-what a sugar high after not eating much sugar the last few weeks.
4. I tackled the refrigerator and made a small batch of a veggie soup, plus did a meal idea list. Besides the pumpkin bars, I used up loads of odd vegetables, sauce, and cheese that was aging, but not in a good way, and made a flat bread pizza last night. Though made with white flour, it was so loaded with vegetables and the crust was thin, it didn't feel like too much of an indulgence, but tasted like one.
5. I really focused on not getting annoyed with DH's family as we started to move things into and sort out the new cabin. I focused on the work that needed to be done, and let the various unpleasant dynamics roll off me.
6. I had long calls with my adult children yesterday. DS was working on Sunday, but did get the " Happy Mother's Day" test. I woke to one from DD1 Sunday-she's an early riser.
I'm still planning our vacation-wanted even more so now to spend time with my immediate family, making special memories. While I know we need to be paying attention to life after our work years, I want to enjoy it now as well. At least for now, I am in the haze of feeling like I need to accomplish something great, but know my friend just would want me, and all she loved to be happy. I want to accomplish at least that.
I missed blogging, and will try and get back to it. I have a lot of reading to catch up on all the blogs I like to read and am hoping there is a great story or two to lighten my mood. How is your Tuesday going?