I share a lot about my kids on this blog. I love each of them the same, though they each could not be more different. DS, with his non-specified behavior challenges and oppositional defiance tendencies mixed with a skater board/snow boarder/now California surfer dude mentality, will most likely always have a personality that has vast degrees of positive and negative energy-very much like his dad. Both can be as laid back, friendly, and mellow as can be, but when their core belief or sense of wrong or right is challenged, be ready for a fight. School wise, he was an average student, took challenging classes to his ability, but was satisfied with good enough. School was a means to an end-good grades were not a goal, being challenged and learning was. He's like that in his career now. He wants the big break that will land him regular work at a decent pay, but since it is only him right now, he is hungry to keep taking a variety of jobs in the industry, building his skills hands on, learning and building on what he already knows.Settling for any job just because it pays well is not him. Of course that means I carry mom worry for him as he's always on the financial cliff ledge.
DD1 has always felt things profoundly, and needs quiet, reflective ways to deal with any trouble or hurt, but also to work through the process of creating something. As much as she loved London and traveling to big cities (but not LA), she is a nature girl at heart, finding the quiet she craves in the world with no buildings or concrete. She also needs just a few close people, but needs them just the same, to share in her celebration. She is careful of who she lets get too close, but those that are, she will move heaven and earth to support them, often not getting the same in return. Over time, this has made her more guarded, and is beginning to leave those one sided relationships by the wayside. She is strong willed, with a tenacious spirit and commitment to seeing and developing her own self worth. An honor student in high school, college, and grad school, she excels in her job, but not for glory-she has a work ethic that surpasses most people I know, and excels because she is not willing to personally accept less. She gets frustrated by those that just coast, taking charge if she feels it's needed.
Then our Boo, DD2, who seems to have the laid back lightness of that side of her brother and the drive to succeed through her own definition, like her sister. She is a social butterfly, with friends galore. Groups of friends that remind me of concentric circles with different priorities, with some overlapping interest. She thrives on music and literature, art and history. Libraries and museums are her go to places, but like her siblings, the outdoors is a great place to listen to music and read a book. She has a soft and caring heart, wearing her feelings on her sleeve. Her feelings can be hurt easily and she feels deeply, not letting her actions cause any hurt to others.
Mental health issues have touched our lives in my immediate family and extended family on both sides. I never understood how my father-in-law could be so judgmental to his children and grand children after his best friend's son committed suicide in his early 20's. How could he not realize that every cruel word could be chipping away at a young persons psyche? He wasn't a bad man, just very set in his way that what he thought, believed, and did was right, and if others saw things differently, he could be hard verbally on them. Gee, a male pattern in my family perhaps? I'm glad I am getting help again right now. I know it is not me being weak, admitting that my anxiety level is heightened and attacks have been more frequent and severe. I hope my kids know getting help when they need it is actually strength.
Oh dear Lord, how terribly, terribly sad. People say that suicide is selfish - which I suppose it is in a sense - but I truly believe that people just want their pain to end and when that veil of black descends they just want out. Poor young lad and how very very sorry I feel for the family, who will doubtless carry "guilt" with them for ever - never knowing what they could or should have done differently. I understand too what you say about other people being harsh verbally. I will never understand that. I mean, do they have no idea how harsh they are? Not sure what inalienable right they have to speak to others like that. I guess those that are thick skinned have no idea what it feels like to be sensitive. How very sad.
ReplyDeleteI know I can have a sharp tongue and have sometimes said what's on my mind at the moment, without thinking how it is heard, and then feel bad about it. Over time, if that is the only way a child or person hears criticism, it's a lot to bear. Add any peer bullying, school, and social pressure, and I understand how it could be too much to work through by ones self.
DeleteI remember hearing a friend talk once and saying the hardest part of her day was to wake and breathe. She was going through extreme depression at the time and thankfully received the help and support she needed to make it through such a dark time, but not everyone does. I am so sorry for the school, the kids in the school, all the parents of those kids and specifically the young man's family.
ReplyDeleteI've heard a similar description of life with debilitating depression, and it was heart wrenching to hear. So far, they have gotten support and help, and hope they continue to do so, as does your friend. It isn't a one pill and done illness though, so continuing to listen to all the clues, all the warning signs that things could be going poorly again I guess is important.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. There was a pocket of suicides when I was in high school. . . maybe 5-6? They all happened together, and it was terrifying & hard for me to wrap my head around at the time. Now as a parent, it's terrifying all over again, to make sure we're supporting in the right way, and teaching the kids how to work hard without making them feel like a failure when they make mistakes.
ReplyDeleteOur town had multiple within a few weeks about five years ago.It was tough as it was about the same time our older daughter had left for grad school in London and had not yet adjusted. Long distance was tough, knowing she had not yet built up a support system there. It is a balance to support kids making choices and not settling for less than they are capable of, but realizing they need to be able to make mistakes, fail, regroup, and still be loved and accepted.
DeleteI am entirely too close to teenage suicide. Those poor parents. You will never know the depth of their despair. I think a biiiig part of the prevalence of suicide is the dreadful way these kids treat each other in the hallways of the school. It's so hard to get through to kids that school is really a falsified reality. Come commencement, the behaviors that flew in the high school, are not tolerated. The things that give a person value in the h.s. order are not really valued, and, in fact, devalued in college and the "real world." In h.s., I was recognized (or not, as the case were) for nonsense. College? All of a sudden it's my academic excellence which is respected and admired. Go figure. These kids are absolutely cruel, and like chickens to blood, find the kid who is already hurting to harass and harm. And, then, when the victims leave a day of that and come home to an empty house, with perhaps siblings who do as siblings do, and tease...well, imagine the helplessness. Think of how you were as a kid/up to early 30's--one year seemed like forever. One of my dancers told me, after returning from a stay in an in-patient treatment for anorexia, that she would go to bed, and pray to not wake up, to die in her sleep, so she didn't have to face her day there. When she revealed what these kids--kids who were also in my classes, would do/say in school, I was sickened, and shocked. Why, I knew these kids!!! When I told her and her mother I never saw that behavior from those girls my class, at my barre, they told me it was because dance class wasn't school. And, because we weren't the "in parents" and didn't know who was who, the behavior didn't fly with us, and then the daughter gave me concrete examples of things I (and another teacher) would do or say which nipped the nastiness in the bud. The parents of these rat-ass nasty girls would have been more shocked than we were to hear how evil their kids' tongues were. Conniving little trolls..but I digress. I am a fan of education, but not of the k-12 schools. The schools are toxic, positively toxic. I don't want to hear about "socialization." Garbage, I say, as socialization is adapting to the mores of the group, and is not a willing act on the part of the individual. The group is dysfunctional at best. Or, perhaps instead of socialization we mean "socialize" a voluntary case of getting together for enjoyable activities(which in the case of many is picking on other kids?) Well, aren't they there to get an education? Toss in all the romantic issues, fostered by stupid things like the pressures of finding a cute way to ask somebody to homecoming and the like, and just imagine the pressure. The emphasis on boy/girl relationships with kids who are not ready for that is just unhealthy. Hearts will break, and the whole school will know about it. (Thank you social media.)
ReplyDeleteMy perspective comes from hours of conversation with the aforementioned dancer. Shortly after dancer returned, another teacher and I called the mother, to see if she would like us to offer her some free sessions to catch her up. Sadly, this girl wasn't strong enough to return to pointe, and never would be, and that's when we found out the nature of her absence. We were so sickened by this, that we asked this mother, if, when daughter was strong enough, we could meet with them both to find out what we, as dance teachers, as adults who interact with these kids regularly could do/need to do to help or recognize a dark situation, and create and foster an uplifting and rewarding class atmosphere. We also wanted to know flat out if we had any part in it, and if so, what needed to change. The candor of this child would have broken your heart, but more importantly, opened your eyes. Stop glamourizing the schools. They suck.
And pray for your daughter's classmates parents. Too many have been lost from us burying our heads in the sand.
I often wonder how a parent with one of the truly mean kids has no idea that their child is not like that. They have to overhear things. I know teachers can be duped by kids as well-the halo effect that some kids are so much nicer, supportive, and caring than they really are. My daughter made a comment once about the Link crew at her school, the group that is supposed to be the student support system for new students. Her comment was something to the effect that 1/2 the girls were on it for status and perceived power, but she couldn't imagine them being much support to another student as they were pretty snotty to other kids regularly that they deemed less than themselves. I don't know what to say Meg-I have no answers but to try and love my kids and give them and their friends a place to feel accepted,keep talking with friends parents to do the same, and encourage kids to call out BS from other students when they see or witness it. That is hard because the they easily put themselves at risk of being the subject of the vile actions.
DeleteSam,you are so lovely. I read you, Kim from Outmywindow , Sluggy and Hawaiiplanner obsessively. Sending all my love.
ReplyDeleteHeloise in England. Xxx
Thanks, Heloise. This post was sort of all over, but I appreciate the support.
DeleteYou wrote a lovely tender post. thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your work, your profession. I hope I never write another one with this catalyst.
DeleteHow very sad that another young life has been lost so tragically. It's a very different world from when I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I can't imagine what it must be like to be a teenager today. Your insights and descriptions of your children are so very touching. If my mom ever thought those nice things about me when I was growing up, she surely never expressed them in a way that I would know or remember. I wish she had, but she was too busy raising 5 kids. At my dad's funeral in April, someone who had worked closely with my father for years sent me an email and wrote, " You were always your father's favorite." If that was true, I had no idea. I think parents just take it for granted that kids know they're loved, but perhaps they need to be shown or told more than just that. A good reminder for myself.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are probably sick of me telling them these kinds of things! My parents weren't big on the support front either, but I know they loved us all, evident by how hard they worked but yeah, it would have been nice to have had a little compassion on bad days, and a little more celebration on a good day. I feel so bad for his family. this wasn't a wallflower kid-he had friends and was on a few extra curricular clubs. Were the signs there, are they hard to see? Every parent, friend, teacher, needs to be looking and aware I guess.
DeleteI'm really sorry. My son's friend tried to kill himself a month after graduation last year. Thankfully his stepmom came home early that day and found him. He has had a hard life for an 18 year old. It hit all of us very hard. My son couldn't understand it. He has been getting help. He regrets what he did but he said he didn't know what else to do. I hug him a little tighter every time I see him.
ReplyDeleteThank God he's now getting help. Keep those hugs coming.
DeleteI am so sorry, I have raised, pushed, loved, fed, washed,clothed many a young life trying to help with problems. Many kids just need someone to love them. Again I am so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThat's wonderful Kim. They say kids need 5 adults minimally that support them.
DeleteTough subject, handled with such sensitivity, thank you.. there is still so much stigma attached to mental illness. In my family it was my dad; the war changed him. He was ok physically but not mentally and attempted suicide several times. I see my daughter carrying a lot of anxiety and I realize this world is really hard for some people. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteSensitive souls carry a lot of weight.
Delete