How Am I Doing Update

Here's an update on my wonky mental health state of affairs. I've been trying to put my finger on it. I have no momentous birthday approaching or major change of life. I have a kid at home, and yes granted, this is her last year of high school, but I shouldn't be dealing with empty nest syndrome yet. She's spent weeks at summer camp and mission trips since she was 9 years old for goodness sake. My older kids, while both should be better off financially than they are considering how hard they work and how much both invested in their educations, but neither are destitute. I do carry their burdens on my shoulders though, even though I know they do not expect or want me to. It is a poor mental health habit that I would like to break, but I just can't seem to think and hope and wish for things that are none of my business or responsibility. I know if the worst happened with jobs or finances, we would buckle down as a family and deal with it. The angst I sometimes feel about money and finances and our future is usually subdued a bit when I remember that we have been intentional about putting money in retirement accounts, in emergency accounts, and each of us have small sums of gift money that we did not go out and blow on toys, but tucked away for rainy days. We have relatively few wants in life other than good health, some travel, and to provide for our kids, which we have done. Still, I do financial exercises in my head, planning for that worst case to happen.

 I can't shake this feeling that doom is waiting for me on the other side. The other side of what, I have no idea. For weeks, I am physically exhausted at the end of a work day and after giving pup a walk just wanted to go to bed and sleep. I've been unproductive at home, though at work, I am staying on top of things and not letting my lethargy impact my job. That might align with my financial fears, making sure I don't put myself in a position of losing my job. Of course, losing a job is never completely in one's control, and again, the anxiety calls to me. Legitimately, I do have a huge unknown facing me at work when after the new year, we will have a complete change of upper management.While technically having a job won't be impacted, how the work is prioritized and focused could change a lot.

I've been seeking help on this mind clutter. So far, it has been talking and some small exercises like making sure I speak about my fears and concerns out loud. Even if to just myself, saying the worst out loud or even writing it down gets it out of my head and it becomes more tangible to resolve rather than letting it stew in my head. I am greatly paraphrasing and Spo if you are reading, you are sure to say I have got the concept at least partially wrong. We've just started to scratch the surface on talking about expectations in life and whether I am putting too much weight on what should be, instead of just letting my life be what it is. Ironically, if I think back 20 or even 30 years, someone might say my life is exactly how I had planned it, from a big picture perspective. I am married with healthy beautiful children, living in a good community, with a good job, and a few good friends. I've heard of a mental health issue where a person deliberately sabotages their own life over and over. Am I person that can't accept when life is just good, and so need to create conflict, if only inside my head? I don't think so, but hoping the sessions give me tools to unpack this clutter and think more rationally again.

I'm still trying to plan for the trip and enjoy the sunny days, but need to relish in both more. Yesterday was gorgeous, but I could not stay up later than 9:00. Tonight, I am going to push myself to take a later night walk-make myself not succumb to the comfort and hiding of my bed. Perhaps that will help me stay asleep better than I've been. Last night I had a dream that featured my friend A that passed away in December from brain cancer. In my dream she was healthy, and inspiring, and full of expression. I hated waking up from the dream, it seemed so real, and I had her back. I want to feel better. I know life is too short and  I want to have new memories with those in my life now and I feel as though I am just sleeping through it.