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| Photo: Christmas in Austria Rick Steves |
We had the Zoom call with DH's family. It was hard. His brother and sister-in-law, the ones who think any precautions are over the top, had a bit of a pout the entire time on the call, occasionally cracking a smile, or having one of their kids say hi when they came in the rooms they sat in on different devices. His sister and niece were on different computers in different rooms of sisters house, sister wearing a mask as she was holding the baby. They require mask wearing in their house by guests, and their son, who is a recent college graduate, stays in a separate part of the house because of his comings and goings, and isn't allowed outside of his parameter wihtout a mask and must disinfect behind him when he leaves spaces such as the kitchen, or the door knobs as he comes home or leaves the house. My mother-in-law just looked sad the whole call. Last week her brother who lives in Florida cancelled a visit to Minnesota because of the rising cases, and she was disappointed from that. Her sister in Wisconsin is in a church, in a community, that has had an explosion of cases, and while she didn't say so on the call we think the reality has come closer to her with people she knows getting the virus and being very sick.
The plan is we are not getting together at all for either Thanksgiving or Christmas as a full family. Regardless that we are larger than the guidelines of keeping gatherings to less than 10 indoors, two of our families wouldn't participate anyway; not willing to throw all the safety measure aside for the sake of a holiday get together. We will play it by ear with my MIL and if she interacts or not. We have been in her bubble-but she also has been in the bubble of both siblings if that makes sense-so essentially no bubbles. Originally we had a very elaborate plan that she would be hosted by each of us on different days of the long Thanksgiving weekend, and then again for Christmas, but after the call was done, it was apparent that was a dumb plan. I had shared with my older kids, and my son basically reamed me out by text at how stupid and selfishly risky for not just our family, for his grandma, but for the community it would be.
A follow up call later between DH, his sister, and mom, and it was settled that plans would basically be taken week to week, day by day, but each of us would plan out immediate families holiday, including mom/grandma as it was safe and in ways if safely to do so. We learned the pouting was that his brother and his brothers wife were feeling like no one wanted to get together because of them and their kids.. Well, it settled down to it being about all of us-any of us could unknowingly be contagious. On the side though, yeah, if they are not changing their life in any means other than has been required publicly (hybrid classrooms, mandated masks in stores, bars and restaurants 50% capacity), I'm not keen on sitting inside a closed space with them. We didn't over the summer so not sure why they think we should be comfortable now because of holidays. We have a 10:00 Zoom call planned on Thanksgiving and will likely do one for Christmas as well.
So where's the positive in this post, you might ask? It does seem like a downer and inside family stinky laundry. The positive is that it is now in the open. A decision has been made, one that hopefully keeps our family safer; keeps DH's mom safe. With the snow and ice coming soon (real snow and ice) I'll offer to go back to grocery shopping for my MIL, though she might think she wants that outing and may refuse. We'll each visit in short duration, masks worn and 6 feet or more apart-that's a big difference from March and April, at least for now, as long as the social distancing can be done, we can visit. The thing is, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be hard for her living alone and not partaking in all the clusters of activities she normally does, but we've got a lot of winter to get through after. Those months will be equally hard for her, so it's good we are planning now how to be good social supports to her.
Are any of you trying to plan your holidays that will include elderly relatives, particularly those that live alone? What about those of you who are on your own without a family bubble in your area? What ideas do you have to help people stay connected to each other?
I come from a big family, and this year I don't see us doing a big gathering or two, but I could be wrong... It seems like your MIL and other in laws won't take this seriously until they get sick or someone they truly love gets sick.. a shame. I am glad you are diligent and keeping your family safe and sound
ReplyDeleteI do think my MIL is starting to think more about it-but you're right, I think because it came closer to her, though she did not say. My son sure gave us a textful but then he is in LA where life is pretty much slowed, people he knows have been very sick, and his industry is still not open and likely will not be, other than a few short projects, for a long while.
DeleteIt's tough accommodating everyone's "security tolerances" isn't it. I was talking to my neighbour about that on Saturday as we driving to my son's. While we all follow the government's rules/guidelines what she might find tolerable I might not, and vice versa. I've always been pretty easy going about covid, but then I live alone and don't go out an awful lot, plus I'm careful when I do go out. Others might have greater health risks or anxieties so when you're part of a large family like yours it must be so difficult. I'm glad at least that you got that out in the open re your MIL. Whatever you decide to do in the end it's definitely a start!
ReplyDeleteIt was a start-and with four weeks until the first of the holidays, a lot more could happen in terms of surges, and guidance. We'll have to figure out safe ways to get MIL socialized, but if part of that is BIL's family and her continue to see each other without any mitigation efforts, I guess she'll just be seeing them, and we'll cross our fingers that no one in their family gets sick.
DeleteThat all has to be so hard on you. Mine and my husbands parents have all passed away and the rest of our extended family already knows we will not be hosting or attending any get togethers over the holidays. It will just be my immediate family and we will visit as we have since March, outdoors and social distancing. It's all so sad but I don't see any other way around it safely.
ReplyDeleteIt would be easier if she didn't live alone, in a house that is way too big for one person. They bought the new townhouse 20 years ago, figuring it would be a place big enough for large family gatherings but maintenance free, which it has been.
DeleteMy dad lives alone and my brother is so flighty, we really are all he has. I’m not quite sure how/if we will be celebrating. I’m actually off Thanksgiving this year, so I will be able to cook for the four of us at the very least. The other wildcard is my daughter. I’m sure her boyfriend’s parents will want her to come over and quite honestly we would love to have him here too. They usually travel for the holidays but won’t be this year. But I’d rather not have her around other people that I might not know either. Dilemmas, dilemmas. I have a feeling everything will be decided last minute this year. JoAnn
ReplyDeleteI shared our experience and know every family may be having to figure out these dilemmas. Different ideologies or thoughts on the virus as Anna says, make sit hard when tolerance and safety mean different things to different people. We learned of the
Deletefirst death of a school personnel-a custodian, in Minnesota. It isn't believed he caught it at the school but was working before getting sick. All this clamoring to get kids back to sports-no one )we;; I do) thinks about the added risk support staff are put at in having to clean up after unmasked athletes, and potentially more people form outside the school.
I'm the elderly relative LOL- turning 73 in November. I have already decided to have Thanksgiving alone- my GS will just be home from college and I don't want to be around him and same with my sister if nephew comes home. Nephew is 25 and lives with 5 other guys his age- no thank you. It is what it is- no sense in crying about it. I am a practical person and I'll be fine. In fact, I've decided I will forgo the turkey and make a big pan of mac and cheese following Patti LaBelle's recipe! I will probably make the German chocolate cake too. I'm not sure about Christmas plans- I'm sure I'll be doing something.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on not wanting to be around your grandson. My daughter has been so cautious at school, but because she also might be working child care again or at the restaurant plus to be around her grandma if we do go forward, she will have a test as soon as she is home. it isn't a prevent all, as she could test negative and develop a da or two later, but along with her keeping to her small bubble, mask wearing and social distancing, I think a negative result will mean she is clear.
DeleteCOVID aside, I went off trying to appease extended family members in holiday celebrations shortly after we were married. I certainly understand how people want to get together, (I don't, but that's me) particularly now in the midst of all that is so uncertain, especially if they enjoy the gatherings with extended family. Safety, however, must come first, especially for those most vulnerable in a family unit. My DH is in the vulnerable category. To consider anything else is selfish to the point of foolhardy. I, frankly, am getting tired of the whining, (from some in my own family as well.) I find it a slap in the face to the memory of the likes of, say, my parents, who were in high school as WWII raged. Blackouts, rations, conscription, and now, we Americans are worried about hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas...yeah, sorry, not sorry. On the upside, I do remember past posts about the stress the extended family has brought you on the holidays. This year, you may, quite possibly, experience one of the most restful, peaceful, delightful holiday celebrations you've had in many a year. This may set the new standard for your family!
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say I do think I will enjoy Christmas Day, the one normally spent with DH's family, so much more this year with just being home. However, I hate he circumstances, and I know DH likes his families gathering and I like mine. Yes, this is not like in WWII, or what's happening in other countries where stepping outside could get you shot.
DeleteI decided when I moved here to allow daughter and son in law in my bubble (after all I'm living here until I get my apt).they both work but are very careful and I trust their judgements. My brother and SIL, the normal denver holiday host are very conservative. Dustanced parties in their garden do not include bathroom use and I expect that my son and sister will spend both holidays alone. I am always amazed at those who have made no changes at all.
ReplyDeleteI think some people just think if I don't see the impact to me, then it must be blown out of proportion. IT sounds like you have a very safe plan and will enjoy your time.
DeleteTheHub and I have agreed we will have little to no Thanksgiving celebration. If it is just the two of us we agreed a turkey sandwich will be fine. If my sister and BIL come over we will have some sort of small dinner. We are forgoing our traditional extended family dinner because a few of them are not just anti maskers, but they are brutally critical of anyone who masks. I will miss seeing them but . . .some things are just not worth it.
ReplyDeleteI have lost tolerance for ant maskers, internally, not verbally, as it does no good. But to criticize those that do wear masks-knowing the mask wearing is to protect others, not yourself, is just mean. If I hear one person that touts that a mask wearers got the virus, so therefore masks don't work, I may scream.
DeleteWhen you have family members of various ages and locations, getting together is nothing less than a challenge, under normal circumstances. With us living in Minnesota, we don't have an option of outside due to the extreme cold and snow that will likely be part of the scenario. In previous years we have all started our own traditions which means, although they don't live all that far away, my son and wife have their own Thanksgiving and Christmas. I started our separate Thanksgiving years before just because both sides wanted us to attend and there were always hurt feelings when it was too difficult to do that. The travel fell on us, not the rest of our families and 2 dinners in one day is not healthy. Because of these changes, it was always Thanksgiving in each family members home of choice and Christmas was open for them to do as they chose and we would have everyone come to our home well after Christmas to have dinner and give the children their gifts. Thankfully, the adults quit trying to buy gifts for each other years ago thanks to my request. We all have more than we need and many are trying to downsize. We do allow and accept food type gifts. This season, we will all be at our own homes or "bubbles" as they are referred to. We have promises to all that "when this is all over" we will all get together and party 'til the sun goes down. This came from my dad, who is going to be 89 this Dec. and his better half is already past the big 90 and going strong. If they can wait, so can I. This is ridiculously long and I apologize for that, but you gave me a chance to show how crazy family and life can be. We're the nuttiest. Ranee (MN)
ReplyDeleteI think it helps if you dad has a significant other-but what a great attitude he has. My MIL has had from mid-May, when guidance was expanded a bit, all through mid October to see people outside, so she hasn't been cut off form family. I just know she is so social, this has been hard on her not seeing her friends much, or her circles, and clubs other than via Zoom. Now outside church is done, but I'm not sure she signed up to go to the socially distanced indoor.
DeleteOur "Bubble" will remain the same as it has been for the holidays. We will probably go to my parents house like we have been doing for the past several months. If anyone has any symptoms what so ever then that will change. My mom said last year she was done cooking Thanksgiving dinner and so I am not sure what we will do this year. I have offered to cook as it looks like it will be my parents, niece and nephew and us. My sister and her girlfriend both have to work and my brother will probably be with his girlfriend's family. This has been our bubble and will remain to be our bubble. There will be no friends dinners, get-togethers, etc. like normal but we will be with family.
ReplyDeleteSince you have a nice bubble already, that sounds like you can still have a family holiday-holidays. I almost wish my MIL would just make a decision that she will be in the BIL's family bubble (or non=bubble) and not make the rest of us feel like we are hurting her to not see her, while she exposes herself to the risks BILs family take.
DeleteTommy, 67, and I, 74, are the elderly family members. I will be invited to places but will not attend. We will not go to usual church events. We will be right here and happy to be safe. I will cook a turkey before Thanksgiving and save some of it for the day. We will both enjoy the sweets and savory dishes we may not have the rest of the year. So far, both of us are okay with the way things are going since we will be safe. We are planning to meet with friends in park in November and with Tommy's cousin. So, that will be it. And, we are okay with it.
ReplyDeleteThis is where the south has the advantage over the north. You can bundle up and still do park meet-ups year round!
DeleteI have been on my own for Thanksgiving the past 15 years, and I love it. Family is too far away, and it gives me a long weekend to relax and prepare for the hectic end of semester right after. Christmas is up in the air. Not sure what I'll do. Celie
ReplyDeleteThat's really a great attitude you have. I know things will work out, and I will just not stress about them-but of course, I will.
DeleteWe are fortunate that both sons and DIL’s do not want to be the cause of anyone getting sick or to get sick themselves. Our relatives in their 90’s are being responsible too. We will be alone for Thanksgiving as the local son &DIL are spending November with her parents after quarantining themselves for 14 days in advance. They will quarantine after returning so we will have Christmas together. We are visiting our other son and DIL and 4 year old granddaughter in early December after we all quarantine for 14 days including them taking her out of pre-school where she is in a mandated pod. Our sons proposed these approaches and we are so lucky that they are being responsible but otherwise wouldn’t see them. The challenge here is when shopping as necessary the people who get right up next to you. I’m constantly having to move away as saying something does no good. We could be very low in deaths and long term illness if people would be responsible for protecting others. Glad your family ended up with a reasonably safe plan.
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed that you all got together by zoom to discuss this early. Yes disappointing but alive relatives are so much better than ill ones or worse. Mom is the only one in our bubble so she can come over for everything plus she goes no where without us so we are all on the same risk level. My stepson and his fiancee wanted to fly in for Christmas but due to my chemo/possible surgery we had to tell them no which is heart breaking but they understand. Between flying and my stepson having a high risk job in a homeless shelter (although they have some seriously good ppe to protect workers and clients there) it just doesn't make sense. My saying this year "it is what it is" but sometimes it just plain sucks- for everyone
ReplyDeleteGood for you for coordinating Zoom meetings with your family to hash all this out, SAM. My mom is 75, L's mom is 78, and I'm not sure what we're doing for Christmas this year (I suspect just having my mom at our place, as she is only bubbled with my nephew and us). It's a weird one, for sure, but missing one or two big family holidays is not the be-all and end-all - sure, it's sad and we want to gather, but the risk is just too high!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - it's emotionally so stressful, so please be kind to yourself.
PS - I'm drooling over your parmesan chicken bake!