I'm not sure if it was as much wanting to help me out as it was wanting to get in the car and drive after yet another miserable Vikings game, but DH offered to do the grocery shopping on Sunday, and promised not to rogue shop-too much. He said just give him a list, and he would go. I had to remind him he needed a quarter, and to get the bags ready for him, but off he went. Now had I gone, it would have been about a 15 minute driver there, and then back, and I would have been in and out in 30 minutes or less, so back home in an hour. Well, add 50 minutes to his trip. I felt bad as I would have thought the store would not have been so busy on a Sunday afternoon. Not only busy, he said there were couples and whole families shopping, which made him stressed. I get there are single parents that have to bring kids with, but I sure wish when there clearly are two adults, families would leave the kids with one of them. Also unless a need, two people do not need to do the shopping-it's not a date and you're not picking out furniture and need both opinions. (Blast me in the comments if you want-I like efficiency in my grocery shopping). I'd say this even if no a pandemic-nothing against, in fact I love kids and happy couples. I probably would have turned around and left-I'm not doing that, and haven't had that experience in a long time and never at that Aldi.
He soldiered on-funny expression, I know, for grocery shopping. It's not that he hasn't shopped an Aldi before it's that he needs to think differently than he does when he is there. Items on my list he couldn't find, he tried to substitute, so bless him for taking one for the team. All and all he did a great job, and stuck to the list. Never mind that instead of granulated sugar he bought a 2 pound bag of powdered, or icing sugar, or when he couldn't find the frozen ground turkey that is just $1.99, he bought the fresh ground turkey for twice that. He couldn't find the Vanilla blue bag coffee, so left without any rather than call (I'm very low on coffee right now); he tried. It was cold, windy, and I just wanted to veg with a redundantly simple Hallmark movie. He gave me those two hours to do so and it was lovely.
Sometimes I just need to be more appreciative and accept offers of help-especially when it won't be done how I would do things. Help also should not be seen as a quid pro quo either-nothing to feel guilty about when accepting help, and no need to keep a score card. I'm bad at remembering this. My daughter helped me so much on Saturday, and in return, she expected nothing. Of course, it's never a good idea to always be the taker of help and never offering up yourself, but help means different things, and can come in all sorts of ways. I do not like gardening, weeding flower beds, and the such. It's not something I am good at since I barely know a dandelion from a daffodil. Helping to weed at the lake is not a fit for me, but I'll leave get the refrigerator, the window, and the wood work spotless.
I've gotten better letting my team take on things when they offer for work. We now discuss how it would work with their work load since we are down a person, and if doable, they take it and run. One example is my team member who can be a little persnickety. She has offered to review the quarterly reports, and has a good eye for detail. Her persnickety nature makes this a good job for her and something I hate critiquing. I could have been the martyr since ultimately they are my responsibility, but I finally let them go after the January and April reports stressed me out.
How about you? Are you able to accept help form others, even if in doing so the result would not be the same as if you did yourself? Have you ever experienced a a lack of reciprocal help, even if asking for it? I'm curious if others have to conscientiously just accept when it is offered like I seem to.
From my family, I do try to ask for help when I need it (I had a late meeting last night, so Nick made dinner). I ask M to drive on specific days for soccer when I have conflicts, even if the conflict is a "fun" event vs work. As a general rule, we have pretty clear "lanes", but I ask for help more often because I do all of the kid stuff. He helps out when asked & offers. We do have very different parenting styles ;-)
ReplyDeleteAt work, likewise, I'm managing managers, so we each have our own roles, but I offer to help them, and likewise jump in where I can be useful. They also cover for me, and my manager does as well. We do a good job load sharing, particularly now when everyone has a slightly different situation due to COVID
We most definitely have lanes as well. DH doesn't like to ask for help either-until he absolutely needs it, which annoys me as then he gets shouty. It's become essential at work for shred work loads-things spike, ;literally at different times.
DeleteMy mother used to tell me I was the queen of assigning tasks to people even at home. My late boss had also once told me: "I am calling you to tell you about one task I want you to take on and by the time I hang up, you usually have given me three tasks to do". Lol! Natural knack I suppose...
ReplyDeleteI wish I was better at being specific and early when stating I need help, or need to assign a task. It's a good trait if respectful about how the assignments are made.
DeleteI can accept help from a couple of people in my tribe, but that is about it. I also don't mind pitching in when needed or if I just see that I can help. I am a great one to have around if you need a little help with a meal. I keep things in my freezer so I am able to whip up a casserole (hot dish to you, Sam) to take anywhere. I also bought a pack of about 30 aluminum baking pans with cardboard covers, so when I drop it off no one has to worry about a return.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love my hotdishes made out of seemingly random stuff in the refrigerator! I bought a set of three a month or so ago, but they were smaller once home and didn't hold enough. I too will get more so I can drop of food and things-particularly with doing our own holidays, I'll have treats and more turkey than we can use and my sisters. niece and nephew, that live alone might like some as well for future meals.
DeleteI never get any help, even in my own household. Honestly, if somebody asked me if they could help, I don't know how I would respond. I think I'd stare blankly for a few seconds as I tried to process what they were saying. To be fair, in regards to my household, I have made it fairly clear about the division of labor--DH handles some things, I other things. My kids have their own areas of responsibility--some are more diligent than others, and Would-Be-College-Boy is a bit of a liability at this stage. In terms of reciprocity---I don't help because I will be rewarded, I help because I can change thing for the better.
ReplyDeleteMy older daughter always just pitched in it seemed when needed, but I would/do have to specific tell them what needs to be done, but ight get the vague-what do you want me to do, offer of help. I'm sure your son will find his niche, and maybe letting him do things, even if not your standard, is an OK place to start. I know that can be so hard though. I like to think most people help because they feel they can do good, it is the reverse though, where people might feel indebted when they accept help.I can feel like that sometimes, outside my own family.
DeleteI think since it's usually the woman that does the grocery shopping the guy will "never" do it well enough, all the more so since they don't usually know where everything is in the shop. I remember once when I was in the hospital my ex took both my sons grocery shopping with him and bought 3 cartloads of groceries!!!! I nearly did my nut. He spent 4 times what I would have spent and nope what he bought would not have lasted 4 times what I bought. I do have a hard time delegating too though so I feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteI can picture that shopping trip-and then trying to figure out how to manage the kitchen afterwards. t was nice to have an afternoon to watch a movie, but I don't think I'll send him with a list for a long while. He was pretty stressed.
DeleteI specifically ask guests NOT to clean up the kitchen. Once, a bossy guest asked me why? She asked in a haughty tone. I told her I was done for the day, wanted to sit and visit, and dishes could wait for morning when I had rest and nothing to do.
ReplyDeleteOne woman and her sister went off into the kitchen, filled the sink with water and put my crystal in it with soap and washed my crystal glasses that had never been washed with soap, only with vinegar. I was livid but tried to hide it.
I am a great delegator. I hate it in club meeting, or sunday school meetings when the person in charge asks no one to help, assuring us with each task, that he/she can take care of that.
People ask me all the time if they can help me when I am out and about. Mostly, they want to drag me along or put a hand on my back to "help" me walk, thereby putting me in danger of falling.
When people ask to help me with groceries from cart to counter, I gladly accept.
Once, I had a tree removed in the front yard and had the root ground up. This left a lovely pile of dirt. I was squatting in the yard, using a pail to shove into the dirt and haul it to a flower bed. A couple walking stopped and told me they would help me. Before I could answer, they told me they would bring their pickup and shovels and removed the ground stump. I told them I needed help getting it to my flowers. Would you believe it seemed as if they did not understand what I was saying and insisted they would "help" me, over and over again. Finally, they left when I kept repeating the same thing. I would have given them the mound left if they had even moved 5 gallons of it to my flower beds.
Sometimes people don't bother to listen to what the help might be, or if none is needed at all. I try to be very clear when I get offers of help as to what is help-and how I would not want something done.
DeleteI'm the helper so don't ask for help often. I've always had more free time than most folks so have been able to volunteer most of my life. Now that I'm aging I see I will need more help and I really don't like that LOL. My cousin just sent me a photo of my 88 year old uncle's face- he fell and bruised it terribly while getting gas for his car! I don't want that to be me- I hope I let someone else gas up the car when I'm that age and should I be driving then?
ReplyDeleteI hate for that very reason, that there are pretty much no full service gas stations any more. With the step up, an dice, I myself have tripped, not falling, but could see it happen. Your poor uncle. The wrong help can be frustrating though too.
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