Friday, June 2, 2023

What's Been Going On

      Happy June. It is officially meteorological summer in Minnesota after a really fine weather Memorial Day weekend. I'm still moving day to day getting done what's absolute, but with the help of kids slowly tackling a few backlogged projects. We're all feeling the loss hard in this new season. DH would have loved having a fine day to help put the dock's in and would have laughed at grandpup learning his place in the extended family of dogs pecking order. Pup was living his best life, short haired and liking the freedom to roam, but never straying too far from my presence. Here's an update on this new life I'm required to figure out.

     DS is here indefinitely due to limited work in his field in L.A. While the amount of video games he plays is not my cup of tea, he's also doing back yard work and will be lining up dumpsters and a work crew to take down the deck. He's helping out an extended family member with their new business as well. Between these things, hopefully connecting with old friends, and getting some lake time, he can have an ok summer, for as long as it makes sense to stay.

     DD1 has planted her raised beds and is starting to see some growth. She's busy with work but also has taken a few shifts in her new friends plant based food truck. DS and I had dinner from there one night, he having a Mediterranean salad and I had a Thai salad. Both were very good. She's still on the wait list for her fence, fingers crossed by the end of June. She's got a work week business trip coming up and hosting out of town friends before that. Her dog remains just a bundle of unconditional love. He did pick up a bad habit of stealing balls from pup from his cousin dogs. 

     DD2 had a week trip with her best friend and family. She too is little by little filling her summer with both helping me, helping the family member, and is on call again like last summer, with DD1's colleague that needs extra hands. She's just starting volunteering with the local Sierra club, which will both help her keep active and add environmental experience to her resume. Her fellowship starts the end of August. 

     And me? Work will be so filled with changes that 12 months from now likely my job won't even be the same. That could be good or bad. I actually looked at a position with a non-profit I used to partner with. I feel I'd likely be a top candidate as the posting reads like my resume and the two people hiring, I believe think very highly about me and my work. It was appealing in that the base pay and benefits was relatively the same ( not much difference in non- profit and public sector) and remote office so I could work from home, but involved 25% travel. That sounds interesting right now to shake up my routine, do something new. Then, I realized that's not the change I want- that would just be different. A job change could add unmanageable stress as I wouldn't have the control over the travel needs. (HP, I heard you 😃).

     I have longer periods of time that I'm not a total mess. Still, there's no pattern, or specific trigger that sets the grief waves in motion. I lost it in tears when DD2 said she too was going to help the cousin. She was DH's favorite cousin, our flower girl, and I know DH would be happy to know his kids are helping her build her dream. 

     Memorial Day weekend was better than I thought, except the boat. The marine motor company dropped the ball twice on me, and there his boat sat, lonely, the tarp filled with a pool of water. Here I thought I had solved the issue only to be disappointed twice. I was also sad no one offered to help with it either, those with trucks able to pull the trailer. I suppose if they let me down a third time, I'll have to ask for some help. (Edit- they finally just confessed they are too busy to take on DH's boat. Would have been nice to tell me that two months or even a month ago so I could have worked out an alternative plan.) It's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I needed a little victory. My brother let me down too in another way. He inserted himself into something, but then didn't follow through on what he offered to do. I'm learning who to ask for help, and who not too, because getting hopes raised and dashed is harder than no help at all. It's hard enough having to  depend on people, but even worse when you feel like you don't matter when someone says they'll help, but then doesn't. 

     Financially, I'm feel the weight of a single income. While of course two people spend more than one on consumable items, everything else is a fixed cost whether one or five of us. I'm trying to figure out a true budget, but my spending has been erratic. I'm hoping June levels off and the erratic spending is done and my cash flow or specifically designated saved funds cover the expenses. Wow, this got long and winded. I apologize. I'll leave my update there. I wish I had anything that energizes me, but for now, I guess just trying to  manage life is enough. Thanks for reading. 

22 comments:

  1. There is a season for traveling for work, and some people really enjoy it. For me, I do really well with structure & routine. Any time I get off of my routine, it takes me more than a reasonable amount of time to get back into my groove. Which makes me frustrated & resentful. I also feel like it's just way too easy for it to be an unhealthy experience: airport food, takeout/restaurant food, disrupted sleep, lots of sitting on planes, not enough exercise, etc.

    I'm glad your son has a safe spot to land during turbulent career patches. I hope the industry picks up soon, and he's able to pursue his interests again.

    I find relying on others to be an exercise in frustration in many cases (my timeline or expectations don't always align with others, or what I think is reasonable is not clearly communicated, understood, etc). I'm sorry you're struggling with the boat, and hope you get the help you need.

    So good to hear from you.

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  2. Totally understand the single income thing with kids, and folks who said they would help and then don’t. It is so frustrating. Also understand the total work makeover since I have a new boss. I am really stressed at work also but I am not dealing with a huge loss like you. I am so sorry you are having to deal with work upheavals while in the early days of your great love. That is a lot of stress. Virtual hugs. Cindy in the South

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    1. “Great loss.” I have fat fingers and cannot type on my phone,
      which actually changed this to “I cannot type in my forehead”…..I cannot do that either!
      Cindy in the South

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  3. I'm glad you have your son with your at the moment. When my son got divorced he ended up living with me for about nine months and I enjoyed the company!

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  4. Continued positive thoughts as you navigate this journey

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  5. Thanks for checking in. Hoping you have more good days than bad.

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  6. I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. I thought I was doing great and wham grief sailed in and flattened me. I also understand people not doing what they say they will do. Right now, is not the time to disappoint me, I am just too sensitive and silly. Emotions whether real or imagined are all over the place.

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  7. Hi Sam, good to see the update. I agree on the ups and downs and that the downs come with no warning and the smallest things will make me sad again. I sold my house and moved into a townhouse the middle of May. I know the general wisdom is to make no major decisions but we knew years ago I would move if anything happened to my husband. Too much house, too much maintenance. And when I drive by our old house, I am relieved it isn’t mine to fix anymore ;). I am also trying to do a budget, but moving has blown my best intentions up. I hope june settles down as well ;). This weekend I unpack the kitchen. It is coming up on the start of month six for me, we will see if Cheryl’s “in six months you will start to feel like cooking again” happens. At least now I will have a pot if I am suddenly in the mood to make something involving cooking. Healing sparkles headed your way. Hilogene in Az.

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  8. It’s so good to read an update from you. I believe I would have lost it too over your daughter helping your dh’s favorite cousin. 😢 it’s so good of her and your son to help her. I’m so glad your son is with you and helping out while his job is on hiatus for a bit. A plant based food truck sounds so neat and your dinners from it sound delicious. I would love to visit one of those.

    It’s great to read an update from you, Sam.

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  9. HI SAM - It's good to hear from you. This season must be so hard for you, but we are here for you. I pray for you to find some peace and comfort in the beautiful sun-filled days.

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  10. Wishing your son the best with his career. I am glad, he is with you for the time being. Take care and be well.

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  11. Thinking of you as you navigate your path forward: not the path you wanted, I know. May your family and friends wrap you in love and support.

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  12. Glad to see you check in. Grief ad emotions hit whenever they darn well feel like it - no rhyme or reason unfortunately. In time you learn who your people are. Some will take a while longer to learn about, even though they seemed to be your people - they never were!!!!! Ask me how I know!!!!
    I am glad your son is there right now - that is helpful to you. Love that your kids rally around. Take is easy and slow - it can be so overwhelming at times. Hug hugs and as always in my prayers.

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  13. Thank you for posting! oxox

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  14. So good to read your update. I'm glad your son is there a long with your daughters. I'm sure family must be a comfort for you, and each other. Thinking of you.

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  15. It's always good to get an update, Sam. I can't offer any helpful advice but please know that you're often in my thoughts. That photo is so restful and beautiful. xxx

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  16. I’m late to comment, but thank you for the update. You are doing really well, be kind to yourself. Megan

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  17. So happy to see an update from you, Sam. Glad your son is there while the strike is going on. I am sure it gives him peace of mind as well. Glad to hear you are allowing yourself Grace during this very tough time. This is your journey. Your journey and your decisions. It all takes time. Know that so many of us think about you every day and keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Chris in WI.

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  18. Thinking of you and your family today.

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  19. Sometimes you just need to take a moment to stop. I can understand the financial side completely. When late husband died, our only income. I did Dave Ramsey's snowball debt as I went self employed odd jobs so I was home with the kids.

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  20. Just had you on my mind so prayers .

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  21. Thinking about you today. Wondering how you are doing. I haven't commented much as I really don't know what to say. I have been thinking about you, though, and hoping you are okay. I understand there is much to sort out and still trying to work and take care of the house and everything, can get overwhelming. I'm glad your kids have been able to be with you and of course, the pups help with their cuddles. Ranee (MN)

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