Wednesday, June 1, 2016
I Genuinely Don't Care
I have a lot going on in my life. Work is completely full-busy from the moment my day starts until I leave, and while I'm not working extra hours, I think through things all the time off the clock. The home still has major things needing to be done, but between my daughter's end of year activities, DH's being pulled into so much on the new family cabin, and my crappy achy back and painful knee, little progress is being made. I created a significant mix up with room reservations for the soccer tournament in a few weeks, and am stuck with three rooms on my credit card, thought the families will reimburse me, it still will cause angst. Then there is the Alaska cruise trip later this summer-the family trip of my mother in laws dream. E-mails with scraps of information coming fast, but it feels so out of my hands.
When we've vacationed before, half of my fun has been in the planning of the trip. Not to sound ungrateful, but everything about this was done and decided, including which week, with no input at all by me. I feel like the experience was taken from me, because Alaska was supposed to have been my family's trip. It will be a good time, and it is very generous of my MIL, but I feel like I'm just a tag along.To make it feel even worse, our plan had been for our own vacation to head to Seattle a few days early, and see the sights there. Because all was being booked by my MIL with her travel agent, that was off the table so she could bundle the best rates, so I thought. Now I learn that DH's brother and family, with my MIL, are going out a few days earlier, just as I had wanted, and this wasn't even presented as an option to us. Granted, we could have spoke up and asked, but I was not part of any details.
The cabin feels this way too. I'll do cleaning and grunt work, but nothing about the lake place feels like mine, becasue it isn't. We'll have a few weeks/weekends a year to use without the hoards of extended family, and it will feel even more so that I am squatting in someone else's dream. The list of expenses we will be taking on with the place is mounting from furniture to bed linens, to landscaping and plants. These are all expenses I should be putting into my own home that I spend 350 odd days and nights. This is DH's family legacy, and my children's, should the princes and princess's in the rest of the family share access with them, but I genuinely don't care.
When I am asked by people that know about either the trip or the cabin, about how excited I am, I put a smile on and say, "Yes, it will be so nice," but inside I'm really thinking it has nothing to do with me. Besides too much alcohol by certain family members, all the angst this weekend that I was happy to leave Sunday night was about the trip or the cabin, and I don't need either of it in my life. But yet, this is stupid drama-not really back stabbing or intentional maliciousness, just self centered egotistical people that think they know more than others, all trying to equally be the alpha dog in decision making. They can have at it all, but when it impacts my real life, I get frustrated, and defensive, and want even less to do with it.
I picked an anchor for this post as it symbolizes, in a nautical way, what I feel-weighed down. This post was cathartic for me. I've been bottling up my feelings on both these project, and now that I've spilled my guts in words, I can breath a little, I just don't care about these major events. While I need to pretend some interest to my family, to all of you, I can say out, lift the anchor; I just don't care.