It's no surprise I go out of my way, some might accuse me of taking a wrong map I go so far out of my way at times, to do for people I love. Warning to Meg B-this post is going to annoy you so you may want to look away. Today are the back to back holiday concerts at DD2's school. These concerts are phenomenal and sell out. She is in the Select Chorale, made up of Senior girls and guys, plus more junior guys can be selected for it to even out the voices. She is in the Vocal Jazz ensemble so will have songs interspersed beteeen the big choirs. Concert one is at 2:00 but they have to arrive by 11:50 for a full choir rehearsal and sound check. Concert 2 is at 4:30, and they cannot leave between. I'll make sure to send her some good stuff for after the rehearsal and between concerts to keep energy up.
However, I learned through being copied on a automated reminder, she is signed up to ring bells for Salvation Army from 10:00-12:00. Yes, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out she screwed up her schedule and was not thinking that 1) the concert was the day she signed up to ring, and 2) once she realized, didn't know she was going to need to be at school so early. They need a 48 hour cancellation window and of course learning this at 3:00 yesterday, it was not 48 hours ahead. The plan will be for me to bell ring with her, and then send her off to school with plenty of time. I'll finish her shift. Am I bailing her out? Yes. Am I happy about it? No. Do I think by helping her out I am setting her up to be an ungrateful sloth of a kid that has mommy coming to her rescue whenever she makes mistakes? Absolutely not. She knows she screwed up the dates and times, but a commitment was made and it needs to be fulfilled. Case closed. There are lot's of lessons to be learned from failure and messing up. Today might not be one of them.
I feel bad-Kim, are you reading-for a mini rant I had in a comment on Out My Window. Kim is a giver, and she gives a lot in terms of her time, and in writing her blog, her words exhaust me. While I apologized within the rant and told her to ignore my comment, I could have been talking to myself. I know I sometimes do too much for people in my life. I've dropped what I'm doing to help my kids with homework, make an extra stop for something needed by one of them last minute on my way home, even after an exceptionally hard day, and I will spend a weekend cleaning an apartment with my daughter leaving it better than she moved in, so she gets 100% of her deposit back. I've figured out how to make something work financially so an opportunity would not be foregone, even if it meant doing without something for myself that I either needed or was looking forward to. I've babysat for my sister decades ago on short notice after she lost her husband, and do so gladly for my niece now.
As Kim so eloquently said, she is paid in blessings for caring for her young neighbors children, I too draw down blessings. I'll never be able to fix truly big hurts like my son's friend from high school committing suicide, or my daughter losing a friend at 14 in a car accident. I can't know what it is like to suddenly be a single mom raising grieving children while grieving yourself, but I can give them a night off to just have fun with friends, knowing their kids will be entertained by an aunt that will play board games, dress up, trucks, and Legos, and not have to watch the clock. I can't stop some rude bordering on bullying comments my youngest has been getting lately at school about physical attributes she has no control over. But, my kids, my husband, as much as he drives me nuts at times, and my siblings, know I love them. They know I'll do what I can to help keep their worlds right, at least for a moment.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
14 comments:
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Annoyed?!? I am actually flattered you called me out personally in your blog! I will say, though, that you misread my reaction to your dd's dilemma. I would CERTAINLY have done EXACTLY as you did. (Okay, not exactly, insert different charity!) It was an honest mistake, and you helped her find a solution.
ReplyDeleteI too, have been up many a late night, laptop on my lap, helping a kid with an assignment. As long as they are willing to work with me, and not leave it to the last minute (which is relative, based on kid) then I will help. The procrastinators get the "Last Minute Lecture" at another date...actually, that lecture continues over the course of several days!
I think there is a fine line with kids between relying on us and taking us for granted. To that end, I think that up to a certain age, our kids SHOULD take it for granted that we will be there for them, because that is how they build trust. Parents should be the first, not the last people kids turn to when they need help. With maturity, this will (hopefully) turn into appreciation, not just for us as parents, but for others who are reliable. It will also teach our kids how to be decent people. In this regard, I imagine that your DD is probably very thankful she has you as a mother. Learning to appreciate someone versus taking them for granted is a process. If you aren't there for your kids in the way you described, they won't ever learn the difference! That's my belief anyway.
I also think that when it comes to lending comfort to others, (ie, the widow you gave respite to) our kids won't know how to help unless they see us extending ourselves to those in need. I will devote an entire afternoon to helping a friend clear and clean out the apartment of her friend's young daughter who died suddenly--somebody I don't even know, no questions asked. In turn, I can expect my kids to help prepare dinner so I can do so, no questions asked. Some things don't warrant explanation.
I would disagree STRONGLY that you can't stop rude comments at school. You can, and indeed SHOULD take these up with the school. I am assuming they are coming from boys? Better for them to learn now from a vice principal what's inappropriate, than from their boss. Look at it as a kindness...you may be saving these jerks from financial ruin. No kids should have to put up with any of that nonsense in school--THAT, now THAT annoys me!
Happy Saturday!
Oh, Meg- I apologize if in my spirit of trying to relate to readers, I overstepped.I didn't call you out-just remembered your views on SA, and your response a few posts ago about your kids volunteering being totally on them-so wanted to give a heads up that you might not want to read this post. The comments were not from boys, and they were not in nature of what I think you are suggesting-I would be raising holy Hannah on that front.
DeleteI think there's this assumption out there somewhere that When we do things for our kids, especially our adult kids, we stunt their growth, make them dependent and so on and so forth ad nauseum. I am the mother of a twent-eight year old who lives with her, and because his financial aid has run out I am primarily funding his final year of tuition for his second bachelors degree. People reading that with no knowldge would make all kinds of assumptions about professional students and enabling and all that. Which would ignore the fact that he went away to school the first time and lived in an apartment on his own for three years, lost is father to a terrible illness as a high school senior and is still recovering from that, does more cooking in the house than anyone else, and can.not. wait to be out of the house and on his own, probably in a much less expensive state where he can afford and apartment for his dog and live alone. In fact, my biggest judgers are my brother and sister in law, who allowed their son to live at home post college with no job and just live in his "bat cave" for years until he came out and ecided maybe he might like to go to college, lol. I also tend to be a giver, and feel terrible when I cannot, for financial or physical reasons-as I do this Christmas actually. I'm invested in the long term success of my kids, and if that means providing short term needs to adults or teens (emotional, physical, financial), I'm okay with that. Besides, as my daughter reminds me, sooner or later they're gonna be making decisions for me, lol.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true no one knows what leads t choices, decisions, and circumstances. hope I spare judgment only for those that have directly impacted my life, and then, I do so first with a compassionate heart-but I am so very human. Read the comment exchange for that and how I make assumptions that are not reality.
DeleteYou are so funny. It is easy to see the problems in others lives and not your own.. What you did for your daughters was not only right but acceptable. We are here to bear one anothers burdens. We come here in families for a reason. Families are forever. You are a good mom and sister and I am blessed to call you my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd Kim, family is not always blood, right! I have friends that I would do the same for as my children and siblings.
DeleteI would have done the same thing as you. It's a busy time of year. I overbook myself, so I certainly wouldn't have been surprised by your daughter overbooking. And, in order to avoid a charity having to go without, I would have stepped in, assuming I didn't have other plans. I don't save my kids all the time. Sometimes I let them suffer the consequences. But, I try really hard to let those situations play out only when they won't hurt/impact others.
ReplyDeleteI really had no other choice. She understands how this did greatly impact me, and hopefully that's a lesson.
DeleteI think Hawaii Planner hit the nail on the head. Consequences are a wonderful learning tool but not if they are felt by more than the person facing those consequences. I have bailed my sons out when they overextended and even helped one son with his schoolwork on a regular basis. His talent in the arts is strictly musical but always had social studies and latin teachers who loved "art" with every project. He would do all the work (he did great research and wrote terrific papers) except for the actual "art"and even then he would tell me exactly what he wanted drawn. I would draw things in a very light pencil so he would have to actually draw over what I had drawn, then he would paint or use colored pencils to finish them. At least once a year he would so his own art and on those papers he would make a "C", but on anything I did the first drawing he would make an "A". Amazingly the teachers always said nothing was graded on artistic ability, but was graded on the content of the accompanying papers. From grade 6-12 the results were consistently the same so I am calling a big BS on the grading on content.
ReplyDeleteInteresting situation you had with your son. We all want our kids to suceed and try to level the field. Leveling and completely doing are different but there were some real stupid school things under the guise of academic rigor to call BS on.
DeleteBy "calling out" I meant "shout out." I felt like you were giving me a shout out! I shouldn't comment before I have finished my first cup of coffee. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI probably shocked you pre-coffee. Perhaps I need to pause on publish button as well until adequately caffeinated.
DeleteNah. You made my day! I put myself out there when I comment, and it's nice to know you appreciate it. I love your blog!
DeleteI think the situation with your daughter just indicates that she is a fine young woman who volunteers - like her momma does. She just needs to think about time planning better, something she will learn and it sounds like you and her both have very busy lives so I am sure she is very appreciative that her momma didn't let her down :)
ReplyDelete