It's Friday and this week has been a ride. Good things, hard things, frustration, and appreciation all are in the mix of our life right now. We worked through options for a particular family issue last night. It's going to be challenging, but DH and I are fully committed to making it work. I'm grateful he and I are of the same mind. It shed light on a few topics that are pretty much always on a slow simmer in our lives, but need to be treated like a watched pot to ensure they don't boil over.
Coping and Supporting Positive Mental Health
I don't know if there is actually an increase in mental health issues or just more awareness, but it's a tough road to bear for many people. I personally have my periods of clouds and dark, inability to focus, but overall, I've been fortunate to have semi healthy coping skills. Sure, I have the occasional bend, where I need to succumb to a good cry, a half day in bed, and just need to get the feelings of dread, stuck, sadness, grief, frustration, or whatever wave of emotion worked through to fully manage again.
Just like others though are born with a weakened immune system or heart, have diabetes, or arthritis, any medical health issue that needs to be managed, weakened mental health strength needs care and management too. Not dealing with it has ripple effects. Poor judgement, rash decisions, frustration with those around to the point relationships stay frayed. Why this country, any country, decided that just bucking up and getting on with things is right, and treating mental health needs is considered fodder, is normal, is sad, no willfully neglectful. This is the number one priority for someone we love. We'll do whatever is needed to get them support, which means, being with them on their treatment, management plan, and stability plan.
Work Life Balance
It was at risk of slipping again. I was so upset last week with the reprimands, the do more than is expected because we need to save face attitude. I almost let myself get sucked back into a totally unrelated to my work project. My involvement was supposed to have ended in July. Now a new round is starting without someone in the lead. I did a preemptive action, and outlined what I could no longer do, if I got reassigned to take more on. It was fully agreed, my own work, done well, was the priority. Instead, they're bringing in a project manager contractor until a new manager is hired. They'd essentially do what I might have done, so it's a good solution. And, I should be able to get closer to my 80 hours over two week schedule-nearly.
On Meditating
I'm trying folks. Yesterday was too quiet almost. After I sat for 10 minutes, eyes shut, holding my mug, I got the idea to see what that looks like. Here's a little humour shot of me meditating. I'm trying to take meditating seriously as it does help clear my head, but not taking myself too serious.
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| Me in unfiltered meditation glory. |
How are you all this Friday morning? I'd love to read your Friday comments. How do you cope and help others that are struggling with their mental health? Are you waving a battle with your work life trying to take more personal time? How did you set yourself up for a positive day?
Sometimes being there for someone means staying in the shadows, waiting until the timing is right. I have to admit, I didn't think we had all that much to cope with until I started really thinking about the last few years. It's actually been a lot. It also involves a lot of family and friends struggling with various issues that are still not resolved. It is so easy to be absorbed by others problems. Extra difficult when it is having an affect on their mental stability. Someone has to try to stay strong and secure enough to be there when needed. Sometimes a few words of encouragement are enough. Sometimes it takes a lot more. I think the thing that helps me the most is my list of gratitude's, whether it be people, pets, home, some things that provide comfort in some small way. The one negative, is the inability to look forward. It is difficult when so many things look so bleek. Maybe inability is the wrong word - maybe difficult would be more appropriate. So many have so much to cope with, beyond anything we have been dealing with, so even though somewhat challenging and, at times, negative, we can count our blessings and continue forward, the best we can. Ranee
ReplyDeleteI think you are right in that I feel we need to always be in the shadows, but ready to move forward when much more is needed. In my case, it was a rash decision that we now are helping to resolve the impact. But, it might also be the catalyst for them to finally commit to professional help and keep up with it.
DeleteThank you for your comments on the importance of caring for our mental health, and your coping methods for your own mental health. I have coping skills that need bolstering, so have asked for referral to a therapist. The "bucking up" came from the Puritans, who as English people not only seemingly demanded everyone to have a stiff upper lip, but also didn't value anything that might lead to enjoyment in life. A good harvest, a healthy and productive family, were cause to praise God, and I propose that personal satisfaction was not encouraged. Rant over! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThere was additional reasons life expectancy was lower too. You can't be physically well if so helpless in the mind. This whole just get on with things makes it harder yet today.
DeleteThe weather here has taken a nose dive and I'm loving it. Tonight's menu is a big pot of chili with all the toppings so I'm looking forward to that.
ReplyDeleteWork/personal life balance for me is good. I hope you can get a good balance in yours.
Would love to create the zen you seem to have fostered in your life, Lori. I made Chicken tortellini soup yesterday. Yum.
DeleteI try to help family and friends struggling by pointing out options, and telling them what I would choose if it were me, and then step back and hope for the best. (Kids get a different approach, btw.) I haven't worked outside the home (beyond a part-time fun job, though I was in school full time for about 2 years working on another degree) since my eldest was born, but that does not mean I struggled with balance. I dealt with a lot of requests due to my perceived availability. When DH retired, aside from his presence which brought its own demands, seemed to think that a ringing phone was a demand which needed to be met immediately, I suffered from the fact that people seemed to think that since my "work" wasn't paid, they could just interrupt it at their convenience and present their demands on me. It took years, but I finally got through to my family that just because I didn't head out to an office didn't mean that I was available for others' needs. Also, the phone was there for my convenience, not other people's. I guess what I'm trying to say is that "no" is a very powerful tool in striking work/life balance. I do remember a story when I did work: I was put in a position of managing two other positions as well as mine (due to attendance issues on behalf of the secretarial staff). My direct supervisor refused to call a temp, so I was left doing their job as well as my job and supporting my own team. "Can you give it one more day?" went on 3 days...I honestly think because I was handling it so well that it didn't effect her, she thought it wasn't a problem. The third day when I saw the seats were empty AGAIN I finally said "You have far greater faith in my genius than I do. Also, how do I fill out a time card for the hours I put in on their jobs so I can get paid?"
ReplyDeleteI agree all our time should be valued by others. DHs family has that attitude a bit that they should be able to decipher what works for my family, his sister in particular. Sometimes presenting options is what's needed to help, but when poor and impulsive actions have already happened, it's much more painful to support.
DeleteNot sure why I feel compelled to share this about my work story, BUT, the crux of the issue was one secretary went on vacation, and the dept. manager refused to get a temp. to ease the burden of the second secretary, even though we were in a busy period. So, second secretary called in sick. As my work space was closest to theirs, I wound up taking on a lot of administrative details--phones and reception, which took valuable time from my work day, creating a need for me to stay later/skip lunch/come in earlier to make my days bearable, sans overtime, of course. (Which, funnily enough, had been frozen for the non-exempt staff.) I was angry at my manager, but less so for me than for the secretary who called in sick--she knew full well what she would be facing if she showed up while her coworker was on vacation with no temp. I always supported workers' right, but that was my first real world application. In all fairness to my manager, by the third day the whole group was feeling the stress, so she finally said she'd sit in reception until one or the other returned (where she was about as useful as two tits on a bull, but I digress)-BUT, she never, ever refused a temp. request after that.
DeleteThat must have been pre FSLA. It's illegal to do pause OT for non-exempt staff. In fact, they've cracked down on calling positions that clearly should be non-exempt as salary to avoid OT risk.
DeleteI was exempt, secretarial staff non-exempt, and they were forbidden from working overtime--if they were scheduled 8:30 - 5:00, they only worked 8:30 - 5:00, as our department had no overtime budget. Late 1980's. But, of course, it may have been illegal for all I know...that manager stunk. She seriously thought it would be no problem for the secretary to cover two positions, since it was only for a week, (or no problem for me, either, apparently) until she tried just answering the phones. Frankly, I doubt she would have noticed if I hadn't lost my cool and asked about the time card.
DeleteMy son has struggled for so long ut hurts my heart sometimes. He has little self confidence, suffered from depression and has dealt with teasing in top of it. Also a late bloomer at 30 I'm not sure he has had a serious relationship of any kind. He finally went to see a doctor and had a dero.duscusion snd was given meds fir anxiety ( which I think is his real problem), sleep and for chronic migrains. That and his family and two close friends helps. But I suspect he will always struggle. I agree that it's difficult to admit you need help (and yes I am fine with the meds). I yry and do a kind of fashion based meditation and I have decided it's okay if my mind wanders as long as I bring it back and the breathing helps a great deal.
ReplyDeleteBarb I can relate to this to a t. It's painful to observe, and feels helpless to support positive changes. I wish you a d your son better peace of mind, and that good people find his strengths
DeleteSorry that should have been faith based. Arthritic typing today.
ReplyDeleteI think the last few "covid" years have been tough on everyone. Whether it be the uncertainties of still having a job, or worrying about yourself or family members getting sick and so on, and then the never-ending negative news from MSM (because bad news generates viewing figures of course) - of course it's been hard on people. I'm pretty tough mentally but I remember sitting with my eldest son one time and even though he's also tough I could feel he was starting to crack a little with this covid business. So I just said "yeah, and it always feels worse on a grim Sunday evening when you're sitting at home alone and it's dark outside, doesn't it"? And he smiled and said "how did you know"? Well the answer to that is that nothing ever looks so bad in the daylight! That being said, I went through hell trying to help a husband who seemingly didn't want to help himself with his bipolar and alcoholism. In the end, after many years, I had to tell him "here are your options, now it's up to you". It was tough to say that (we were already divorced), but there does also come a point when you can't keep someone afloat if they aren't willing to pitch in also! That being said, if you have a broken leg you get sympathy. If your mind is broken, you get told to pull yourself together!
ReplyDeleteWe can't walk away from our loved one, now or ever. But,we have to remain strong that they need to get help or we'll collapse under the weight. Then, they'll not have us to fall back on. The pandemic years, and still rippling, have sucked so much resilience dry.
DeleteSince I come from a family riddled with alcoholism, drug abuse, serious health problems all that lead to mental issues, I have been surrounded all my life with the good the bad and the ugly. Humor helps a lot. But even that can wane in times. I just try and be realistic, and know that not all days are going to be wonderful. I try not to expect things from family that I know deals with many if not all of these issues.
ReplyDeleteI need to bolster my resiliency to others stress. Most of the weight I carry stress wise is second hand. Decisions others make that fester until they seep into my life. Or, I witness the pain, and can't turn away. Both are heavy.
DeleteI can feel for this and am dealing with these issues right now. Many crying moments ( mostly in my favorite crying spot, the car this week!) I’ve had chronic anxiety and worry so much about my nuclear family! Kids and grandkids although all are doing fairly well at this time. A few grandkids diagnosed with a chronic health condition that’s hereditary and two more a symptomatic. Sad, worried but there are way worse life illnesses so I have to take deep breaths! Another grandkid with anxiety issues, a daughter in a marriage issue that I hope resolves. I’ve had multiple talks with her, it’s so long and complicated but his ex has abandoned their teenage kids and left the state, they have gladly taken them in (they’ll be so better off!) and usually have them all summer ….. but her husband is so non confrontational he’s still paying child support and she still legally has custody and he won’t fight this, (she keeps promising things! ). My daughter is so angry. I tell her you can’t let her ruin your marriage! But his passiveness has been an issue before. Ugh I’m a wreck but worse……. Sorry to unload but my two youngest sisters died of alcoholism (also my dad) and my niece. My other niece (the sister of passed) is currently in ICU not doing well with a several month recent history of in and out episodes secondary to her alcoholism, so my worry seems so insignificant to my other sister (their mom). Then my other sister’s son is at end stage chronic health needs and a month ago she got mad at me and has severed all communication. I’m slowly accepting this. She’s had mental health issues for years and I might be finally done. (I’ve been kicked out twice before for about 6 months at a time). Lord help me! Sorry to unload but I’m just trying to hang in there this week!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad this felt like a safe place to write it out. It seems you've been bottling up, car crying aside, all the hurt and pain.I hope you can get support to manage your needs too.
DeleteThanks I’ll hang in there. I am able to care, cry (because it is sad) and pray for my extended family, there’s really nothing I can do but offer support and any help. If my nuclear family (kids, grandkids ) are ok or normally ok I’m ok. Ha! I did get a referral for seeing about meds (had been on years ago , a antidepressant that works well for anxiety and therapist). I thought raising 4 kids alone was tough (I’m the person widowed at 40), but worrying about them, their spouse and 12 grandkids, 13th due in December, I need to let go let God. I am faith based which really helps me. I don’t think years ago my generations parents got that involved in their adult kids lives! Ha! (I think adult kids kept mum, didn’t talk about finances, kids, marriage etc).
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Meditation is like any other thing it needs practice. I find it still quite difficult to do nothing x 10 minutes.
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