I keep thinking or wishing certain days should be easier than others. None are. Wednesday was the last day I spoke to him, and the day he passed away. Thursday was his day off, so I'd hear him out and about, coming and going. Thursdays are just too quiet now. Friday was our quiet stay at home, often pizza and TV together night as he worked Saturdays. Saturday was date night, or getting together with others. It's hard hearing about others weekend plans. Sunday we finally both had a day off together and now, it's just another 24 hours. Monday he usually came home from work for lunch, knowing we had leftovers from either a dinner out or a nice homemade meal. I usually could pause work and join him. Tuesday he often got home earlier as his Wednesdays were long as he was in charge of the store. I made sure to cook on Tuesdays, often fajita's, tacos, or burritos, or pasta dishes, his two favorite types of meals.
I know in time the memories will give me comfort. Making a perfect lasagna and knowing he would have enjoyed it heartily. Watching a silly new television show with his dad joke sense of humour will make me think of his laughing giddily and with no filters. He had an infectious laugh that in of itself brought joy. Maybe some day invitations to join his best friends and their wives for dinner out will feel special rather than lonely.
I've got bittersweet life events to get through. I'm looking forward to and fearing how I'll handle my daughter's college graduation next month. I have no idea how going to the lake will feel. Then there's father's day, 4th of July and his birthday this summer. His birthday was to be the day he officially announced retirement. It's a year of firsts to get through, each one being grateful to have my kids, my family, my friends around me, but missing him, and being so sad he's missing out.
I want to be able to travel eventually, seeing places we wanted to see together, and maybe some new places not previously thought of, new views that help me find some solace. I have to have faith that he's truly in a better place or I don't think I could muster the energy to leave my house. I explore Expedia, plugging in random places and departure dates, not really planning any thing or to go anywhere, but it fills a little time and the emptiness for a bit.
Writing out my thoughts is supposed to help. Talking about him, sharing memories, saying his name, is all supposed to help. Maybe in time it will.