Sunday, March 19, 2023

On Trying To Find a New Life

      It's now been two months since my husband passed away. I started the dog blog; dog people will understand it's easy to give your heart and soul to them because you get it back ten fold. I'm still sleeping in fits and starts, can't seem to get my mind settled, and waves of sadness flood me. Benign comments made by people that wouldn't see the significance, or are meant to be helpful, can put me melting down. 

     I'm blogging a bit. The old format of a daily theme isn't sitting in my head, but time and money management feel really important. The dreams of working towards a retirement with my husband are gone, yet I've still got dreams for my family that I hope keeps DH ever present in our lives. Places he wanted to go, opportunities for the kids, hobbies he encouraged me to pursue, and getting things updated on the house. I can't think ahead, but eventually will plan and do things. 

     My budget isn't austere, but it's not flush either. I'll still have the required pension contribution and I intend to fully fund my 401K. My take home pay feels lean when I look at all the places my money needs to go. I made a new budget, accounting for every category I can think of, and on paper I'm OK. It'll take a few months to see if it is realistic. I'll have expenses for the boat and cabin too, that are a bit unknown, so I put a new budget holder for sinking funds, so the money is there when the bills come. There's no longer a safety net of two incomes, or as we planned after he retires, the option for him to start SS or draw from his 401K. I could draw from his 401K as a widow, but it's complex and the requirements and hoops feel like too much, so I want to live on just my take home for the time being. I'm working with a financial advisor and attorney to get all his accounts under me. What a process! Then, I need to update all the beneficiary information. 

      The last few months were expensive. Funeral expenses were astronomical but the folks that made the arrangements were phenomenal, and I don't regret letting them do all the coordination. Extra fees added for changing titles and utilities, postage costs for certified mail (with items still getting lost), ordering in food, and just more expenses having the kids here and no one looking at anything thrifty, just getting through day to day minimizing stress, all add up. I am fortunate to have funds to cover these added expenses. Now I'll figure out true costs for my life. Going forward, just like when we were trying to live off just my income, I need to pay attention to the mindless spending. Finding little perks is something to amuse me and helps a bit with the budget. I might continue to dabble in Fetch and MS Rewards, but I really don't like Ibotta. 

     I've also the reality of living alone, managing a household alone. There's so much to get done. Besides so much on our to do list, just day to day feels overwhelming. Divide and conquer no longer applies. A person never realizes how big a house and property is when suddenly living in a four bedroom, two bathroom house alone. I had that reality the night after my son left. This sounds really stupid, but tackling the trash felt daunting, but then like a major accomplishment. Early Wednesday is garbage pick up. I had to make sure all items from around the house were in trash or recycling including boxes from shelving the kids put together for me, get the bins maneuvered around snow piles, full and heavy to the end of the driveway, while making sure neither dog escaped. Success! I've managed, with the help of the kids, to keep shoveling under control with this snowy winter. By myself, I'm adding snow plowing to the budget and likely lawn care. Neither are my thing. 

     I think I want to use cooking, meal prep, baking, and other things food related as a sort of therapy. I've sisters on their own, from being widowed too. Of eight girls, five of us lost husband's fairly young, one sister, her ex husband, her second husband, and her last significant other, all before 70. My sister who passed away unexpectedly nearly 10 years ago had lost her husband two years earlier. I didn't mean to go down this sad road. My point was there is no reason I can't cook and have them over whenever our schedules mesh. I can explore more plant-based baking and meal recipes, continuing to try and take better care of myself. It took a while to get through both meals people brought, plus extra food bought when the kids were here, but slowly I'm buying more than just the odd item. I enjoyed making a few favorites when my daughter was on spring break, then sent her back with frozen portions for lunches or dinners when she doesn't want to eat in the dining hall or have time to cook. I'm eating lots of big salads, thanks Lori, and fruit for snacks. Produce adds up as fast as meat, so it'll be an eye opener what I really spend on groceries.

     I'm taking each day as they come, trying to get at least one "need to do" thing done a day/night, but that pace needs to pick up. There are obvious things that have to be done eventually that I can't face yet. The no rules for dogs means the house truly needs a deep clean. We're still in ice and snow here ( so much ice and snow) but I hope with eventual spring, I'll have more motivation. Right now, I'm just so tired, a mix of grief, frustration, and sleep that's choppy and inconsistent. My day job exhausts me mentally, and I pretty much go to bed to attempt some sleep, after the dog or dogs are taken care of for the night.  

     All this rambling is to say my blog title, Sam, Coffee, Money, and Thyme might still be a fit. There were suggestions to write about the paperwork, tips etc. dealing after a spouse's death. While I can appreciate the suggestion, there's a gazillion other writers that have tackled the basics better than I could. The minutia, I have learned, is so varied situation by situation, state, by state, that it wouldn't be helpful to readers and would be just upsetting to me.

      This got really long as I just seemed to let things flood out of my head to the blog. If you're reading, I'm glad you stuck around while I've paused. If you've moved on, I guess you won't see this, but I've enjoyed this community and the people here. While I can't commit to frequency or topic, I think I'll be here. 

      

42 comments:

  1. Lost my husband in July. Be patient with yourself and accept the fluidity of your emotions. Every day you will be different and that is okay.

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  2. I'm just sitting down after finishing up in the garden and happened to see that you'd just posted! Welcome back! It isn't the same running a household on your own, that's for sure, and I think paying someone to shovel snow (I don't - we don't get that much) and cut the lawn (a definite yes) is the way to go. I love being in the garden but hate melting in the heat to cut the grass - that's what big burly gardeners are for. Everything doesn't have to be done today and your plan of knocking just one item a day off your list (if possible) sounds a good one. I know if anyone will sort all this stuff out it's you - and I know just how proud your dear husband is of you! Much love. A

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  3. I’m glad you will continue blogging no matter the frequency . You’re a good writer and I’ve enjoyed your blog for years and the thought you put into your posts. I’m also excited about your dog blog! Take good care of yourself. ColoradoGirl

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  4. Continued prayers. I am not a widow, but was divorced about 20 yrs ago with four teenage kids. So, although our situations are different, I understand how daunting it can be to be alone. I enjoy your blog. It is ok to come home and collapse after work. It is ok to sleep and rest when you can. You have been through one of the top two stressors of life change and this was unexpected. Just take care of yourself, give yourself plenty of grace. It is ok to do whatever you need to do to get through the day. I pay my next door neighbor to mow my lawn after almost cutting off my foot with a lawnmower so definitely understand the lawn service… lol . Some things are ok to delegate and pay for. You cannot do everything by yourself and it is ok. My house stays trashed and it is just me. I think you are a bit more organized at home than me… lol. Virtual hugs. Cindy in the South

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  5. If you go back and read this post, I hope you'll see you have a good handle on things - you're doing it. XO

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  6. Taking each day as it comes absolutely makes sense. You are going through many changes all at once, financial, emotional, future planning, family changes, and everything from chores to the minutia of getting all of the accounts consolidated & the paperwork dealt with is a lot of work. If you look at it all at once, it's probably way too overwhelming to handle. Breaking it into small chunks sounds like a path forward.

    On the meal planning side, I've thought of how to adjust our cooking for when our kids are out of the house (different scenario), but I think I'll do a lot of experimentation, and if nothing else, keep the meals much easier. If I were cooking for one, I'd be relying heavily on a mix of Trader Joe like semi prepped/prepped options, combined with some batch cooking, and lots of salads with a protein mix in.

    You and your family continue to be in my thoughts.

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  7. Good Morning Sam!! So good to hear from you. I agree that this blog title and content would still fit this stage of your life as you navigate all of the changes. I'm so glad you have your family and dogs to help you because I can only imagine what you've had to go through. It sounds like you're handling one day at a time and I think that's awesome. You know I thoroughly agree with using cooking, baking and eating as a type of therapy. I know it is my stress relief. And aren't BIG salads the best? Spring and summer will be here soon maybe you can grow a lot of salad fixings at your house or in your daughter's garden. That is another great stress reliever.
    You've been in my prayers my friend. I hope you enjoy your Sunday!!

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  8. Sam, I no longer blog, which was about quilting anyway, but I have followed your blog for quite some time. I found it after we moved to MN 6 years ago and both your content and you location resonated with me. We are also fairly close in age and I am also continually working on our retirement plan as the retired CPA in the family. I was truly shocked and saddened to read of your husband's passing and after reading this post, I am finally commenting on your blog for the first time. I have not been in your shoes, so I cannot begin to relate, but tackling things as you are ready seems to be a good approach that is working for you. Grief has no timeline and is personal to each individual as to how they handle it. I am glad to see you back and will continue to look for new posts as you are ready to write them.

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  9. Thinking of you and yes, take each day as it comes.

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  10. I couldn't talk about how to survive when my late Husband died. I was in survivor mode for a solid year.
    I am glad you brought up how to take care of the home and property on your own. Hubby and I have skimmed over that area (not home because he does little to nothing in homecare but has "night duty" of dealing with wood stove and letting dog out. He worked 35 yrs graveyard shift. I need to learn how to deal with the tractor and how to haul it on the trailer for yearly maintenance

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  11. I was probably one of the people that suggested possible topics for you. I'm so sorry if the comment made you feel sad. People enjoy your writing and the community which you have created and will look forward to whatever frequency and topics occur. I've enjoyed the "Dog's Life" blog as well. Your sister dinners sound great!

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  12. I've been a reader for a long time, but rarely comment. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think grief in itself is overwhelming and exhausting. I'm glad you're back to some blogging. I enjoy your efforts in bringing balance to your life- the value and enjoyment in small and big splurges while managing other priorities too.

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  13. Glad to see you. Happy to read whatever you want to blog about whenever you feel up to doing it. There are lots of us (LOTS!) who read but rarely comment. Maybe you can feel the love we're sending. xo

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  14. "Benign comments made by people that wouldn't see the significance, or are meant to be helpful, can put me melting down." Oh yes. Sending you love and strength, Sam, as you navigate this. xoxo

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  15. I have no words of wisdom to offer other than take each day as it comes and just do the best you can at this time. There is no schedule for grief. As you have identified, maybe find that one thing that you can focus on and control and use that to move forward. Sometimes life does not make a lot of sense and at those times we need to just go with the flow.

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  16. One day at a time, as I am sure so many have told you. I hope you continue to find comfort and solace in those around you.

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  17. Hi SAM, I'm glad to read this. And there is nothing wrong with rambling. When I took my writing for healthcare course, we were taught to write down our thoughts, disregard grammar rules, get into the flow of writing. It's a healthy way to start, and that is what matters. Both you and Kim are finding your way, and it blesses my heart to see you return. I've missed you.

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  18. Thank you for posting. These things sort out somehow someway in time. Post when you can/want to; we want to be there with you.

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  19. The only thing you need to do on a consistent basis is breathe and do what needs to be done to get through the day. I think of you often and hope that things will get better for you in time. But right now things are still raw and your well being takes precedent over everything else.

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  20. You are much in my thoughts
    Siobhan x

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  21. Grief comes in waves. Take each day as it comes. And yes, do hire someone to mow and clear snow. One less thing to deal with. Sisters can provide so much love and comfort, I hope you can spend the time you need with them.

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  22. Be gentle with yourself. There's no timeline for grief. And absolutely nothing wrong with taking the occasional day in bed with the covers over your head. xo

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  23. I read this over 14 hours ago, and I am just now getting back to comment. Sorry. You will get lots of ideas how to do things, but figuring out what works for you will be done in time. As you know, I cook lots of protein at once and often cook lots of vegetables to last three or so days. But, that might not or be your style or become your style. While I have never been in your position, I know you are better equipped than most people to pay the bills and handle your finances. I am so sorry about your husband's death.

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  24. I've been a widow for almost 15 months now. It's such a difficult path and one that you really don't understand unless you've walked it. One day at a time, and sometimes that's too much. Take as good care of yourself as you can.

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  25. I'm glad you've decided to write for this blog, Sam. Me, along with all of your virtual friends are here for you, offering support and love from around the world.
    You've written in past of how cooking for your family was a way of showing love so cooking for therapy is spot-on, not just feeding others but lavishing some love on yourself, you deserve it. xxx

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  26. Thanks for the update! You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss and the change of plans for the future. Please take care of yourself. Sending hugs.

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  27. I, too have always read your blog because you are honest and I love your writing

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  28. Hello Sam, Of course write only when you feel up to it. Your loyal readers will be here for you. --Jim

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  29. Oh my sweet friend, you and I have the same brain and the same problems. I don't know who I am or what I am going to become. I had to laugh when you said trash is daunting. I never worried about the trash. It really is kind of silly but here we are. I want so badly to see you and I will just haven't got it in the calendar yet. Money here is a nightmare, but will hopefully straighten out this coming month. I pray for you daily. All my love.

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  30. I’m so happy to see you writing again. I’ve missed you. JoAnn

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  31. It’s always good to read a new post from you. Just be kind to yourself. Grief is exhausting and shorts out the brain a bit. Continuing to keep you and your family in my prayers. Lynn

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  32. I'm so glad you decided to blog what you have. It is helpful to hear even your "ramblings" as it gives us someone's experience to help us relate to those who experience such loss. My brother lost his wife at 38 years old and the phase he appreciated most and passes on to every new widow and widower is "The 2 of you never got it all done, so don't think that just one of you will be able to accomplish it all on your own." He highly recommends attending a grief share group as well. My prayers are with you.

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  33. Jre I was glad to see you blog again. Here in NW Minnesota of course another blizzard on its way tomorrow! All you can do is a day at a time. And no day is predictable. Even as 27 years a widow. I find myself jealous of those in retirement with their spouses. It’s an emotional issue I’m working on but I don’t know how to navigate that well. I’m so sad and mad at times but then pull into my children and grandchildren for gratitude and the joy that I know I’m lucky to have. Thankfully those moments are short lived.

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  34. Oh, Sam, I am so happy to see that you are writing. Along with the cooking and baking, I think your writing is helpful as a form of therapy, also. I hope you feel the prayers and compassion that are sent your way every single day. I think of you so often and wonder how you and the kids are doing. Of course we never have met, but I have read your blog every day! Allow yourself the gift of grace. chris

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  35. Writing is so therapeutic. Hopefully survivor benefit SS will help you make ends meet more comfortably as you move forward with your plans/goals. Hugs.

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    1. I'm not eligible as I'm not 60. I could access other funds if needed. I'm not worried financially, but don't want to be wasteful either.

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  36. Hi Sam, I am glad to read your words again. I am sure there are some people that do say the wrong things or the wrong way, and that upsets you, but I am also sure that they mean well.
    Take care of yourself first, give yourself whatever it is you need. Megan

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  37. It sure can be overwhelming. Let those that can and want to - help. Do those family things - they make you happier.
    Please look into SS window benefits - you do not need to be retirement age to receive. It can help a lot. My friend was widowed at 57 and she got them. Yes, they were less than full benefit - but it helped until she could get SS benefits at retirement age.
    It is a journey - not one anyone wants to take - but each day is a learning experience. Know you have friends that care and that you can reach out to.

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    1. She may have had other criteria. All I have learned, not just my own research, is before age 60 there either needs to be a disability or dependent age children. Neither apply to me. I can cover my expenses with my salary. It's just not the same as two. I appreciate the suggestion though.

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  38. Just sending hugs. I think people find it really tough to know what to say, some people try, some people avoid saying anything at all.

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