Good morning. Thank you for past comments, a few emails, and nods to my well being in other bloggers posts. I'm still here, and also not. I found this meme and I understand it. I still don't feel like even semi regular blogging. I'm a ball of anxiousness much of the time, focusing only on what I have to manage. Those things don't seem to be managed very well though. I thought maybe a catch-up might be in order, but warning it'll probably be long and a lot of pity party refection interspersed.
I had three therepy sessions since early April. I found it meh. It wasn't harmful, but not anything more beneficial than the podcasts or videos I've listened to or watched. I had a forced professional development day and session one is on change and resiliency. I was pretty checked out. I don't want to hear or read in chat's other people's challenge figuring out how to get out the door and into the office on the days they choose to not work remote. It feels whiny and insignificant and if they knew what can come out of no where still, finding their car keys at 7:00 a.m. seems pretty mild.
I feel sad, but also bitter at times and I hate that feeling. It's not me. Or it is me, but wasn't me before. Mothers Day was sweet with the girls, but later got pictures texted by DH's sister of her, her daughter, grandchildren, and my mother in law. Four generation photo and I cried and cried. My kids won't even have their dad in a single picture of any future grandchildren. I get frustrated with one of my sisters who has mucked up her life repeatedly, but has just this full overflowing plate of family, and makes every situation about herself or them. She's also full of ridiculous platitudes. It was really bad the weekend of my daughter's graduation, and at two different points directly asked her to stop. I'm planning to go low contact as she's just too draining for me.
So yes, my youngest graduated college and we truly celebrated her. Despite the overwhelming grief, she finished strong, Suma cum laude, and had several job or fellowship offers. She determined a sort of gap year is best before deciding on grad school or career, so took a year long fellowship that starts the end of the summer, in St Paul. She will be home for the summer, and may or may not stay living at home when it starts, depending on her friends living plans and tolerance level living with me. ( My attempt at self humor.) She's hoping to travel, has some intermittent work, and some volunteer commitments in the meantime. Her sister gave her a necklace with a pearl charm, DH's favorite. That was so sweet.
My older daughter is making her house her home. Her dog is doing great, loves the dog park and is such a sweety. She's met a vegan chef with a food truck and is going to help with a few events for both fun and social networking, but of course extra cash. What new home owner can't use extra cash? She's getting a fence put in, but the back log is several weeks. It will be a lovely addition that will give her and dog safety and privacy and help her place feel like a retreat. She's getting her garden going. Fingers crossed!
DS has been greatly impacted by the writers strike with studios closing up many projects, so not just writers out of work. What little there is has hundreds upon hundreds of candidates. Added anxiety, even if second hand. Depending on duration, he's going to head back to Minnesota by car with his tools and gear. He'll pick up any work he can, but will help me tackle projects that had to wait until the snow melted. I'm glad my kids are sensible in times they have money and can ride out these kinds of times. I'll get the greatly needed help, so trying to see any positives. Seeing him is positive enough for me, but I also know he can't be here to just entertain me.
I'm going to Florida for a few days in June, tagging along with a different sisters work retreat, and scheduled time off over the full week of the 4th of July. I've got a business trip to Phoenix in October ( hey Spo), but haven't booked any travel for escape yet. I still want to run away.
So that's life at the four month date of losing DH so soon, way too soon. I want to keep moving on, and I guess I am through my kids. I need to work to keep the bills paid and have affordable health insurance, at least for now. It at least gives me something to take up some of my headspace. There's a lot of changes work wise, and I'm leery of how it'll all balance, but have to remind myself it's not just on me, but do worry it'll suck what little resiliency I have. I keep thinking I'll be better equipped to handle this new life forced upon me. I'm not there yet.
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the feelings. You are doing what you can, one day at a time. I am so glad you have your three amazing kids, and some family as well to support you. I have a friend whose mom makes herself the centre of attention for everything, it is exhausting and so embarrassing for my friend - if my friend would not feel any sadness from it, she would go low contact too. Just take one day at a time,I just continue to hope the passage of time helps. *hugs*ReplyDelete
"...and if they knew what came out of no where still, finding their car keys at 7:00 a.m. seems pretty mild." THIS! In the depths of my grief, I spent about 2 years playing the world's smallest violin behind some people's backs...not a becoming look for me, but there it is. Thank you for posting, Sam. Congratulations to your daughter, best wishes for you son as he wisely navigates the strike, and I am happy your elder daughter is content in her home. You did that in no small part! Know my thoughts are you with you, Sam.ReplyDelete
I check in every day to see how you're doing so thank you for this update! Sending you hugs from France, AReplyDelete
I have been thinking about this concept. (Yes mostly because of my own loss.) 2 things: I think our ancestors might have had a point having a mourning period. Also I think journaling has helped more then therapy has.ReplyDelete
First the mourning period, I wonder if people just avoided saying random stupid things during this time. "Life goes on." " You just need to get through it." I mean no kidding. And yes maybe they just don't know what to say and want to comfort, but leaving me alone would be better. I seriously ran head long into work when everything happened. That was a bad idea, but you don't need to tell me that. I know that now.
Journaling helped because I wrote down everything I was thinking and feeling. I found it easier to process and after 3 other times in grief counseling I felt like she didn't have anything new to say.
Anyway these are just ideas. Everyone is different. Sometimes we just need to see the differences. Thank you for stopping by. I am still praying for you.
Nice to see a post from you and to hear that you're hanging in there. Everyone grieves differently and four months is certainly not a long time. Congratulations on your daughters graduation. It sounds like the three of them are doing as well as can be expected. Remember to take care of yourself!ReplyDelete
Give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to your new normal. Every day is not going to be sunshine and lollipops, and that is perfectly OK. You are still new to this phase, and can't hurry through it. Enjoy the good days when they happen and accept the dark ones when they come around and deal with them as needed. Crying is not only permissible but is expected.ReplyDelete
I wish I had some advice to help you. I lost my dear sister suddenly in 2017. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of her and miss her. I lost my mom last November, she was my best friend. I guess what I'm trying to explain is that grief has no time frame. Some days are easier than others. We never forget our dear loved ones. I hope in time the rawness will fade for you and good memories will replace the hard times.ReplyDelete
Don't push yourself Sam. Four months is not a long span of time. Sending cyber hugs to you, Janie
Oh Sweetie thanks for the update. All of your feeling are my feelings exactly. Anger, guilt, anguish lack of accepting others bullshit, all normal. So glad your son is coming back your way. That will really help.ReplyDelete
You don't have to be there right now. You are moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it, and it's probably not linear, but you are changing & adapting.ReplyDelete
Congratulation to your youngest daughter, on her incredible accomplishments. I'm sure that was such a bittersweet moment for everyone, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with thoughtless family on top of that. I'm so glad you & your kids have each other to lean on right now.
So, so many hugs & good thoughts to you. And, honestly? I was feeling a little sorry for myself, jet lagged & exhausted, sitting in a hotel room in Tokyo, missing out on a kid event back home, and I needed that reminder. This is a blip in time I'm missing out on - enjoy more of the moments I have & don't sweat the small stuff, & I should appreciate all of the opportunities I have.
So glad to hear from you. I understand about working to pay the bills and keep the health insurance along with new work changes that are stressful. I do not want to say anything trite, or a platitude, especially since I am not a widow, and have not walked in your shoes. Just know my heart breaks for you, Kim, Hilogene, and your friend on here who recently lost her husband suddenly. It just stinks. Cindy in the SouthReplyDelete
There is a radio therapist on the radio who I think said it best when asked what helps???? And she said “nothing” because that’s really kind of true. She said that’s the cost of really loving someone,and that things change day to day and with timeReplyDelete
Thank you for the catch-up post. You have been in my thoughts, and I am so very sorry for all that you are going thru. Life surely isn't fair.ReplyDelete
Congratulations on your daughter's graduation from college. Sorry about the writer's strike affecting your son's employment, but I'm glad that he will be able to help you with home projects and stuff. Glad that your older daughter is enjoying home ownership, and I hope she has a good garden this year. I bet her pup is so big now. I hope that the trip to Florida will be a nice break from everything. Sending hugs.
I've thought of you often and it's good to hear your update. Congratulations to your youngest on her graduation during such a difficult time. Also congrats to your older daughter on making her house a special home. I'm sorry your son is impacted by the strike. His visit home should be good for him as well as for you, and his sisters no doubt will be pleased to see him. Hugs to you.ReplyDelete
Glad to hear from you. Everybody's mourning process is different. Eventually, you will be in a better place. Congrats on your daughter's graduation. Your son's presence and help with house projects will be wonderful, I am sure. Hugs.ReplyDelete
Thank you for posting. I think of you and your children often, and understand how petty some other people's worries seem when you are grieving. I too was bitter, and when my dad's sister said it should have been her that died not him, every single time we saw her, I had to fight very hard not to tell her she was right. Huge congratulations to your younger daughter on her graduation and on receiving offers. I'm sorry that your son's work has been disrupted, but it's good that he'll be around to help you, and I'm pleased to hear that things are going well on the home and dog front for your elder daughter. XxReplyDelete
I was angry for a solid year when my late husband died. So it's normal.ReplyDelete
Not being quite anywhere is OK; don't try to hurry it along.ReplyDelete
Jre I now have 13 precious grandkids and my late husband missed all of it dying at 41. His two brothers look just like him and I see them with their grandchildren and my heart aches. I also remember my son graduating from high school the year he passed, I don’t know how we all made it through that. So not fair. All I can say is grief and joy can coexist. Thinking of you.ReplyDelete
(((((Sam))))) this is Belinda. I felt your pain when you wrote about crying over the photos from your SIL and how your DH won’t be in any pictures with future grandchildren. That breaks my heart for you. Sadly, Photos will do that to us. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.ReplyDelete
I'm glad you drop in now and then. It is ridiculous how after a few weeks everyone thinks you should be back to "normal" and they can carry on like nothing happened. People can simply be stupid because they are uncomfortable. Platitudes made my sister so damn mad (BIL died suddenly when she was just 57). She would share with you that it was 3y when she woke up and called me saying "I am going to be OK, I've turned the corner". There is no clock or calendar for grief and changing your entire horizon and future without him is daunting.ReplyDelete
My utmost admiration to your daughter for getting through this term amidst the grief and stress. I cannot imagine the pride and your full heart for her as well as her siblings. They have learned well from Mom and Dad. :-)
Hugs to you this Tuesday morning.
Glad to see your post - even if I am a bit late. I just can't give you any advise other than keep hugging family and putting one foot in front of the other. Time - it takes lots of time.ReplyDelete
Sending you hugs and saying prayers for you!