The recent case of the man that had to be court ordered evicted from his parents home has been making the rounds on social media, ripe for anyone to weigh in on what they believe is right, wrong, or gray. To be honest, I have no issues when adult children, for a wide variety of reasons, move back in or have not yet moved out of their family home. For centuries upon centuries multi-generation households have existed, working as a collective unit for the betterment of them all. However, ground rules and expectations need to be in place and this is where that families situation went horribly wrong. It didn't appear there were any rules, expectations, or reciprocal benefit going on what soever.
my son has pretty much never moved back home since getting his first
college apartment a month before his sophomore year of college,
admittedly, we have helped significantly in the early years, and
occasionally in recent years, with the rent when money has been tight.
DD1 was home during the summer college breaks and between graduation in
December 2012 and moving to England for grad school in the fall. She
had a short stint before moving to her current home when a job and
living situation ended up being quite different than what the offer was.
During that three month period of time, we had many conversations about
how we would all adjust to another adult, one used to living
independently, back in the home.
We never had formal agreements, but I
know of some families, that would be a necessity. If you or people you
know may be making the decision by choice or circumstance to have adult
children move back home, my families unwritten rules may be of use. I ran this by DD1 to make sure I was accurately reflecting her perspective. I was given the green light to post.
Recognition that while the child is an adult, it is still common
courtesy when living together to keep each other informed of general
plans, time etc.
2. The family house is not a hotel. The adult
child takes care of their own personal belongings and needs, and
contributes as part of the household.
3. While the point of moving
home may be for economic reasons, decide what expenses will or will not
be expected to be provided by the heads of household, and what the adult
child will pay for. No one should be surprised one way or another about
4. Have a plan for how long the living arrangement will be
for. Is this
temporary for a few months? Is the plan for a year or more? Is this
going to be an agreed upon permanent household structure? In my daughter's case,
she had a
very strong target that the arrangement would not be for more than 6
months, though we all agreed that it was more important for her to find
the right job and living fit, even if it extended longer. It ended up
only be for three months, but during that time she had a full time job
looking for meaningful employment, plus provided tons of support to the
household including taxi services for her younger sister.
conclude, while there were challenges during this period of time, there
were truly many more wonderful outcomes. First, the time allowed her to
have a thoughtful approach to job hunting, but still without reducing her drive and independence. She and her sister, considering there is a
10 year gap, became even closer living as housemates. It is a blessing
to get to know your kids, truly get to know them as adults and not just
your children. I feel like my daughter and I developed a stronger bond
during this time, as I relied on her for so many things, and she leaned
I know many of you are or have experienced living with your adult children. Please share your thoughts.