A Tale of Two Christmas's

Warning-this is a very long post filled with stupid holiday melodrama. Our Christmas felt a little like this picture by the end of day. This has been a completely joyful week with having my son home and being able to celebrate in our fairly low key way of doing so. We had a simple, if not loud due to the crowd in my large extended family of siblings and nieces and nephews, followed by a candle light service at church Christmas Eve. I wish I could have left Christmas there, stayed home yesterday, and enjoy the quiet. I knew yesterday was going to be difficult for my in-laws, the first Christmas after the loss of my father-in-law, but I was completely unprepared for the turn it went.  I've shared before in a post about last Easter, Beating of Drums, that I have about a four hour window before the stress gets to me, and a restrictive space like a Minnesota house in December, with people that have high levels of intensity, feels like captivity.

We were told to arrive at noon a week ago, and based on historical nature of his siblings that never arrive anywhere at the designated time, we planned to arrive at noon precisely, which we did. Apparently, unbeknownst to us, some secret  arrival time was really much earlier than that, and we were pounced on to hurry and get lined up for a family picture, because the other families had already taken theirs. My mother-in-law was understandably sad, but expressed it by snapping at my husband for any little motion or non motion he did. DS was pounced on with 60 questions, which he handled well, and then to DD#2 about leaving her job, which she did not.  She felt off kilter most of the day.

We got through lunch, and then DS, his gift to the family, quickly set up his lights, and took professional quality shots of anyone, and in whatever combinations they wanted.  All together, this maybe took 30 minutes, and was pretty much done while lunch was being cleaned up, and dishes and pans sorted. Throughout this, I hadn't realized how much DH's catty sister had been drinking.  Her level of bossy obnoxiousness was slowly building, to the point that by the time we stared doing  gifts, she was trying to dominant the actions and words of all of us. She was down right antagonistic with her mother, my husband and me at various points of the afternoon.  Four hours later, the ridiculously drawn out gift extravaganza was over, and she was barely coherent in her loud over the top ramblings.  This was a huge elephant in the room.  Her husband, tends to just pretend all is normal.  Her 18 year old son was visibly bothered, but both just stayed out of her light.

The proverbial  crap hit the fan though an hour later when after first cornering my daughter, about her mental state, her employment status, and her relationship status to the point where I could see tears welling in DD's eyes, she turned her attention on DS.  I was in the next room, but because of her loud voice, could hear her questioning  his absence from Christmas for three years.  Doesn't he understand family is important? How did he spend holidays anyway?  Wasn't he sad and missing everyone back home?  Does he have anyone in his life?  Why not?  How come he never calls home (meaning her)No matter his response on anything, she dug in deeper. Her daughter is at her boyfriend's family out of town,which apparently constitutes an approved absence, so I think that added to her zealousness in pointing out the error of my son's family ways.  Again, he just listened, understanding better than I what a complete nut job on liquor she was being, so took it in stride, finally getting away to use the bathroom.

 I on the other hand began packing things up, visibly shaken by the exchange.  She looked at me with a dopey face that said to me, "your family is messed up," and in return I glared at her and said out loud, "Unbelievable."  I was going to let it go, but after her  saying, "What's wrong?", I let it loose. "Unbelievable that you would attack my kid for not being home for Christmas. Unbelievable that you would lay crap on him for 30 minutes because he is trying to live his own life.  Unbelievable that this kind of stuff has been happening for decades with you being such a drunken hypocrite with your live and let live crap, while interrogating and judging my family." I am paraphrasing-the words just spewed uncontrollably.

Then DH stepped in, and said to to the effect to her, "Not very tactful.  Do you even understand why she is upset? If any of us spoke to your kids like that, you would have none of it."  This was all said in normal tone, in relative private, so it didn't disrupt the rest of the family.  We proceeded to continue to get things packed up and say our goodbyes to the rest of the family.  It was now 8:00-yes, eight hours in a house with 15 people.  The whole time we were packing up, she just stood there in the kitchen, with movement around her, like a statue. I did understand that it was a holiday with more stress than usual for her, and that her unfortunate way of coping was large amounts of alcohol.   I like to think I am a good person, and I could tell that some of what we said must have resonated at least a little bit.  Before we left, I went over and apologized if I hurt her feelings, but I was very bothered overhearing how she was treating my kids.  I know they can stand up for themselves, but they aren't going to-they'll just let it go, at least on the outside. I don't know if I feel relief that I spoke up instead of letting it stew, or rotten that I may have ruined Christmas.

This is the main gist of the story-there were so many other details that I can't go into without encroaching on others, or prolonging an already too long post. I'm not writing this to get people to jump on my side. I am sorry the exchange happened, but more sorry that  her behavior happened. Anyone else have any senseless and needless drama? So much for my simple and minimal Christmas. 

I read this comment a few weeks ago from Julie on Frugal Queen's Post Do it your way.  At the time I read it, I felt it was cynical, and not what I thought about Christmas at all. After yesterday, I fully understand and perhaps embrace her sentiments-at least for half my Christmas. 

"My opinion on what most people do at Christmas
Spend money they haven't got on presents that people don't want
Spend money they haven't got on food they don't even really like
Spend time with people that they don't much like and wouldn't dream of spending time with the rest of the year
Stuff their face with food and alcohol and then moan because they put on weight.
Doesn't seem a very sensible or even enjoyable thing to do."

It Was Truly Independance Day

This weekend was the The 4th of July, the holiday of holidays for summer loving Americans.  We observed much the same way as we usually do with family and friends at a cabin, eating, swimming, water play, boats, and fireworks.  Pup was not a fan, so he and I called it quits by 11:00 or so, taking him to a more quieter area.  I was pretty beat, so did not spend the remaining hours of the morning consuming massive quantities of alcohol or as is my norm, babysitting those that do.  It is an odd thing-not the young adults that partake to extreme, but  40 and 50 somethings.  I have shared that I often get wound up internally when I have too much time with extended family.  By the evening, I had pretty much reached my limit and was spending time with the young kids, the dog, and in quiet.  It was needed for my own stability. 

Pup needing to get away meant I got a fairly good night sleep as well, and could enjoy Sunday. DH described to me what he thought it was that  was so difficult for me with a couple family members in particular.  He held out his hands evenly and said.  "This is  __ and __'s norm.  If anyone deviates from their norm, they go on attack mode.  Now attack mode might be strong, but there is this belligerent, condescending, inquisition, that makes the person on the receiving end of what these two think is conversation, feel like they are defending themselves, their beliefs, their actions, and their purpose.  While I've pretty much been able to hold my own, it is exhausting. I got what DH meant, and decided I was going to just ignore, not respond, or change the subject if she or he started.  And oh did she start, and was right foul at getting in others faces. It didn't help that Saturday she was inebriated and Sunday hungover. I chose not to go on a pontoon ride, but lazed in the sun.  It was glorious.  Of course I got, "Why aren't you coming? You want to come. You don't want to stay here..."  Each time I responded, "I'm good." and I truly was. The ironic thing is her catch phrase, so she says, is "Live and let live," or as I now joke seems to really mean, "Live as I say to live."

You can pick your friends, but family just is part of the inheritance package.  It has taken me a long time as an adult to realize though that just because you are family, does not mean you have to spend significant amount of time with those that disrespect your being.  As neither will change, it is easier, and I lose nothing, by disengaging.  I don't really care that they think my ways are not the norm, or that I raise my kids, or dog, or work , or play, in ways that do not align with their personal views. Time with them is but mere moments, and I will blissfully ignore the noise.  I will leave you with a few random Independance Day  photo's.  

4th of July 2015

I wish I could say I took the picture last year, but credit goes to dreamstime.com.  I will be out of  wifi range for a few days enjoying family, friends, food, beer, sun, and freedom.  None of these are taken for granted.  For my fellow Americans, enjoy your holiday weekend.  Those beyond our borders and shores far and wide, I hope you have  a great weekend and start the week well rested and ready to roll.

Midweek Holiday

I accrue a day a pay period of vacation, but am capped so often lose time because I just can't get away from work to use it.  With less than three weeks, and two pay periods left at this job, I am making sure I don't lose anymore time so took today, and will take Monday (a new period) off. DH has every Thursday off because he works Saturday's.  Normally his Thursday is filled like my Saturday's with errands, household tasks, kid running, and maybe a bit of down time.  We decided to take advantage of a rare weekday off together sans offspring, and putter out and about.  We did nothing very special, and in that, it felt like a good day. 

We did some browsing in the home section in Kohls.  We had water damage a few years ago to our third level family room and bathroom, but haven't had the drive to rip up the water stained carpet, and complete some needed repainting.  We have budgeted and saved for it though.  I love Kohl's, and am absolutely crazy for their clearance area. Paired with a 30% off discount promotion, and the chance to earn Kohl's cash, and I could do some serious spending.  I found these gorgeous  toss pillows in a chevron blue pattern.  They had removable covers, so would be just perfect on a new coach (part of the saved money) in a creamy neutral color, in a newly refurbished family room.  There were also some cute  faux metal baskets with wood tops, "repurposed" for side tables.  They also would be very cute, and just the right thing to hold a beverage or a bowl of snacks while watching a movie. In the end, I refrained, and we walked out of the store with nothing in hand.

We took ourselves out for a frugal lunch, compliments of a $15 bonus card to a restaurant we had purchased a gift card to for DD#2's God parents at Christmas.  The bonus card had to be used by the end of the month.  We feasted on lunch entrées paired with a really great salad bar. This is my favorite place to eat salads as they have the good mixed greens and spinach, and not just the  tasteless iceberg lettuce bowl.  There were tons of gorgeous vegetables, and eggs, olives, and other toppings as well as some fruit and pasta salads.  It really was enough for a meal in itself, but I still managed to scarfed my crispy and hot French fries. I had a mini burger pair, and took one home, along with the biscuits they give you to nibble. I'll grab a yogurt and the leftover burger and have lunch sorted for tomorrow. With tip, lunch for two, with leftovers,  was under $15.00. They gave us a couple more coupons for buy one, get one 50% off.  I think I'll drop those off to the God parents and let their gift card stretch a bit further, probably into two nights out for them.

We ended our day seeing a matinee showing of American Sniper.  There is a lot of controversy over whether he was a glorified  killer or  a great American hero.  I don't understand the protests over the film, or the hate statements towards the actor and director. Clearly war is awful for all involved, and the movie did nothing to glorify war and violence, and made evidence that the mental scarring is very real. Not wanting to incite controversy on this blog, I'll wrap up this chapter.

There were probably a lot more interesting and worthwhile ways we could have spent this week day holiday, but it felt right for us today. Anyone who has kids at home knows finding couple time, more than a few hours, is a luxury in itself. We spent the day talking, and planning, and looking forward to what's next on the horizon.  We have no  plans or commitments tonight, so in about an hour I'll make us a simple supper-lunch will have been burned off by then, and pull the cork on a bottle of wine.  There's a Minnesota Wild hockey game on the television at 7:00 and a worn out couch in a dingy basement family room calling my name.  My kind of holiday.

banner from http://wild.nhl.com/

The Weekend After Thanksgiving

I had a very lovely Thanksgiving all in all, starting Wednesday night learning my kids who recently moved out west and have been living in in some precarious short term housing, have found and had application accepted for a sweet apartment in their desired area, and they can move in today. They're going to be roomies, with a couple friends of my son's.  DD#1's angst seems to have dissipated a bit, and she wants to give the move a good year before making any permanent decision. 

We started our day with an annual charity run/walk.  It was lower turnout because temperature at the start of the race was 1 degree; yes you read correctly,1 degree. Pup still did well, though I held him most of the pre-walk time so his little paws wouldn't get too cold. We've tried the little boot things, but he's not having them. DD#2 ran the full 8K where I and my niece just did the 2K family walk.  DD#2 has become a better runner, but she was disappointed in her time. For being only 13, new to this type of run, and running a distance twice as far as her cross country meets, in the bitter cold, with icy patches all over, I think she rocked it! Hubby lingered around with the other spectators, possibly dodging into one of the bar and grill's that opened early  and just for the duration of the run, to serve coffee and hot chocolate drinks.  I hope the run raised the money they were hoping for. Historically this run generates between 1/4 and 1/ 3 of the annual operating budget of our town's family services agency, and last year topped $100,000.  Hunger and homelessness abound  even in a Lake Wobegon community like ours.

Love DD#1's Yoda hat, stolen from her sister, but kept her little ears toasty.

We had two family gatherings.  We spent noon lunch with DH's family, and I brought two delicious sides of a roasted yam and carrot dish and a broccoli salad.  I made up the vegetable one, but the broccoli was a standard recipe all over the internet, modified a bit, as usual, by me based on my own preferences.  Later, we joined my extended family, who had a 2:00 lunch, along with other split shifters that either worked earlier in the day, or who were trying to fit in more than one family stop.  I brought a taco dip and some chips to add to the leftover sandwich making spread for those sticking around a while. It was a hit, and polished off quite quickly.  I'll post the recipes separately and also link on my recipe page.

Well that was more of a recap than I had intended.  I still have three days of my five day weekend left.  I am going to organize my lists and calendar this morning-preparing for  Christmas celebrations, so that I can enjoy without any pressure put on myself. Today will be spent with some more housekeeping things, and perhaps popping into a store or two once the crazy shoppers are done trying to get that extra 25% off.  DD#2 wants to do this, but we won't be out long. I'm liking the idea of more internet shopping, and taking advantage of delivery specials this weekend. My gift list is lower this year-more combined gifts with my DH's siblings for my in-laws on useful things, and more streamlined for others.  Tomorrow will be decorating the tree and house, and Sunday a start on my baking and candy making.  I'm trying Rosettes this year, in honor of my Norwegian heritage, and with a recipe my mother's cousin in Norway sent me. Advent starts Monday, so that will be day one of my advent challenge, starting with my change from my loose change cup being put in a kettle.  I'll add to the donations as the month goes on. 

Another Thanksgiving is done.  The holidays have still not normed since losing my mom four  years ago right at Thanksgiving, my dad two years ago, and then my sister last November. My siblings and I are trying to  keep our extended family connected, and realize it will be harder as the years go by, and nieces, nephews, and our own children start and add to their own families.  I'm grateful for my sisters who are willing to host big family events that could have as few as 30 or as many as 70, often without a lot of notice as to the final count.  I appreciate my DH's family, who I have long had an awkward relationship with, but do not want that interfering with my own children building their bonds. They get that we are trying to spend time with both families, and were gracious in us having an early departure. Here's wishing you all have a joyous start to the holiday season.

Pup is ready to raise some money!

A Different look at the Holiday Season

I only have the US for reference, but it is real that marketers are crowding one holiday on top of the other.  With Halloween ending (and there was already some items in the back corners of Target) the changeover to Christmas has begun full force today in all stores. If you are not of the Christian faith, I suppose "the holidays" do not mean the same thing but there is still no avoiding the  marketing push created by Christmas.  This post is not to rant against the commercialism of Christmas and declare corporate America evil, but to try and take a look at the holiday season through the lens in which individual holidays were intended. I want to get the wonder, awe, warm feelings, and appreciation each holiday can inspire. Here is an early look at November. 

November 2nd, first Sunday of November annually is All Saints Day in the Christian faith.  Churches often have special readings, bell ringing, and  memorial opportunities for members to  remember loved ones that passed away in the last year, and those they hold in their hearts.  This day has becoming more poignant with me over the last two decades as so much loss has been part of my life.  Tomorrow, we will be thinking of my sister, who passed away one year ago tomorrow, unexpectedly of an aneurysm.  She was still young, full of life, with young grand kids and another on the way  but had been dealing with her own sadness since losing her husband less than two years before to cancer.  My family will be celebrating her life tomorrow,  the day before what would have been her 57th birthday.

Veterans Day,  is November 11, and for those of us who live in a free society, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with the current state of government, this should be a day of importance. This summer marked the 70th anniversary of D-Day in France.  The poppy tribute at The Tower of London is stunning, and we know the veterans support groups will be handing out poppies in the days leading to November 11th.  I will wear one proudly, honoring those men and women, some who were and are little more than children, that give and gave their lives to protect and serve.

World Kindness Day is November 13th, and a celebration I had never heard of before, but learned about from my daughter. World Kindness Day   The day encourages people to make a declaration of being kinder to others, small simple gestures that go far.  Seems fitting to follow the earlier  two holidays I mentioned. 

November 1st kicks of the recent, 30 Days of Thankfulness posts on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites.  While I have much more than 30 things to be thankful for, I haven't done this activity, but like reading the thoughts of others. I find myself nodding my head in agreement, and laughing along with the less traditional ones like my friends post from November 15th of last year.  "I am thankful for rubber spatulas because it meant I could get one more peanut butter sandwich made from scraping the jar, saving a 6:00 a.m. store run". 

There are holidays, commemorations, and traditions around the world, that I know very little of, but am sure they hold special meaning.  I'd love to learn more so do share as you are willing as we get to those dates and events.  I'm particularly curious about what guy Fawkes Day means today, and how  it is experienced.  The Season opener of Sherlock had me intrigued!

In honor of Veterans Day, a well loved picture of my 18 year old sailor dad and his buddy.