Thanks virtual friends for listening yesterday. My ramblings were a bit of an outpouring of stress and emotions due to so many things seemingly piling up in my head. Reminders of someone who lost a spouse unexpectedly, a classmates child dying, multiple new waves of uncertainty and change at work, and just feeling poorly. It's feeling under appreciated, even if that's just in my head, and just on the bad days. Then there were a few "material" moments. The green eyed monster poking through. Hearing about the new ocean side house made possible because her husband got a massive retirement buy out, and he's younger than DH. My frustration was hitting a high as I woke up feeling lost that I can't seem to get chaos managed in my home. DH's long hours and exhaustion, my flip flopping between having too much on my plate and yet not enough if that makes sense, all compound and I end up just feeling low. Then, the guilt that these feelings are so petty, so first world, I move to being ashamed of my feelings, which adds momentum to the downward spiral.
I remembered this photo I took at the Van Gogh exhibit, so many faces, so many things going on at one time in a persons head. It's how I was, am feeling right now. Sometimes I need to just let it wash over me, let it drip off, get my fatigue, pain and stress out so I can shift gears and try and rejuvenate. Sometimes a day makes the difference, but other times, it might be several. This might be a several day bought of the blues, but I'm working on it. Pushing through and doing my 10 simple pleasure's, joys, or things that make me smile yesterday was a step. Taking pup for an extra walk; pup who just so much wants to be with me all the time, was another. Going to bed early after slathering on ointment on my knee and the parts of my hip that connect to my lower back helped me wake up less sore today; which means less cranky. But who can explain why the black dog comes when it does. It just does for some of us, uninvited, and lingers for moments, sometimes days, or weeks. I'll just work around it, resisting the urge to crawl back in bed and cover my head, and wait it out until it retreats back from where it came.
Thank you so much for sharing your down day thoughts. It is SO helpful.
ReplyDeleteWell, it helped me. Thank you.
DeleteTaking the pup for a walk was probably the best thing you could do for your mental health right? I don't suffer from depression (well rarely), but I get where you were coming from yesterday. And believe me, from the outside you really do seem to have a very busy schedule so I absolutely get that you must be exhausted! Hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteI don't have depression as a diagnosis-I just get depressed, or low days from time to time. Sadly, I'm well aware of the difference and because of that, I worry about others, which makes my days harder when I'm low. Pup is my special little guy.
DeleteI didn’t get a chance to comment yesterday but I totally feel your pain. I’ve been drowning since school started. Working full time is kicking my behind. The house looks like trash. The weight I lost is already creeping back on. No matter how hard I try, I jut can’t get it all together. I have no clue what we’re having for dinner tonight. I’ve been trying for a week to get fall decorations out. We’re going to start the Fafsa this evening. Paying for college is literally keeping me up at night. My daughter point blank came for me about our lack of savings for school. I could feel her pain. As I can when she talks about kids younger than her driving themselves to school. Hell, I’m jealous of these 16 year olds driving bmw’s and Audi’s too. Everything is just off, static, no peace. My anxiety and unhappiness are getting the best of me. I’m hoping that it’s just a season of life and not a sign of more things to come. JoAnn
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry JoAnn. I hope, like me, just getting it out in words is a help. e were in your place with our older two for college-everything was so tight, and the margins were so slim at the end of each month while trying to pay for college and still had child care, I wish you well.
DeleteSAM I have suffered from severe depression off and on in my life and it is not fun. We all have down days, but don't let it linger for long.Having RA and almost constant pain in some joints daily can really get you down. Pain causes anxiety. You knee and hips are going to be with you till you die, so we have to figure out a way to relieve some of that pain so it is not eating at you. Also pain can cause poor sleep, I know as I do not sleep well at all when I have a flair. I think you are a wonderful, hard working,person. You are a remarkable mother, just look at your kids. I wish I was there to help you, just go out and get a diet coke and donut and laugh at life. I know I could make you laugh.
ReplyDeleteI'm depressed, sad, but don't have depression. I'm not debilitated, just ornery and tired and sore. I would gladly go for that Diet Coke and donut.
DeleteI am sorry I missed your yesterday's post, but I did go back and read it. Some days/weeks/months are just like that and it is hard to shake that feeling. I sincerely hope this does not last too long.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping too. I woke up thinking today should be better So far-not really, but there's sun in my windows and coffee in my cup, so it can't be all bad.
DeleteI was having a really down day or two last week. Not how I usually get, but there is just so much going in with everything and so much uncertainty. Hang in there. It's the best we can do.
ReplyDeleteI can see why. You've had to do so much caregiving for two people-that takes a toll. I hope your fall smooths out and you can get time for yourself.
DeleteI've been struggling, too, lately. You aren't alone. Of this I am positive. Hang in there. Focus on our blessings - health, home, kids.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know I'm not alone, and maybe we all can help each other keep our chins up. I'm hanging in there, and yes, will focus on the good things. I had another little crap thing happen in the house to add to my stress, but at least I have a house to have things happen to.
DeletePain is the worst! Do you ever take Glucosamine Chondroiton with MSM? My knee quit hurting within three days of starting it. Of course, it is so far gone now that nothing helps.
ReplyDeleteI gave it a month-no help at all. My knew issue are due to no cartilage and bone spurs, so things for muscles aren't' going to help. I' glad yo got relief for a time with it.
Delete(((Sam))) That green eyed monster stinks and needs to take the day off. I hope today is better for you.
ReplyDeleteI've just gone back and read your previous post. I'm sorry you're having down days and that your friends are going through tough times. I do think being in pain grinds you down. Feel better and brighter soon. xxx
ReplyDeleteI read these in reverse like The Incarnation of Time.
ReplyDeleteI don't know yet what it is but I am glad to see you have support and (coming from your future) you are OK.