Warning-heavier post ahead. It's one of those mornings. My daughter and I saw Dear Evan Hansen last night-fiction, but so much hit me to prompt this post. I've been reminded very frequently in the past several days that life, and good things in life and heart ache, are not doled out equally. On the other hand, some people seem to have lucky horse shoes in their back pockets. I'm well aware what is public might not be reality, and all of us have our own woes and our own joys. Still, I'm tired of hearing about more weddings and more grand children, and more new homes and more vacations, and more promotions-whine, whine, whine. Life events are not equal, some people really do get the short end regularly, and others really do have golden tickets; life is not always fair.
At 55, I have days where I pity myself. The battles with depression, anxiety, and general malaise, the feelings of not fitting in are real to so many people in my life, including myself and it weighs on me, some days more than others. I thought I'd be doing more travelling, be making more money or at least have more disposable money, and not feel like I'm just on a hamster wheel at my job. I love the family I have, but hope so much for them that is out of my control. I wish I had a wider circle of close friends that now as empty nesters, we'd be unbeholden to our kids calendars. I thought I'd have plans every weekend, rather than too many boring weekends where DH is too tired to do anything but watch sports on TV. I'm tired of the physical pain in my knee that keeps me from doing as much local exploring as I'd like. I try though to get over the minor disappointments or at least set them aside to not overshadow things that are good. That's part of letting it out by whining on the computer. Sorry you are my unfortunate accomplice to this by reading. With this week's joys and simple pleasures, I'm trying to really think about how fortunate I am. Because, I truly am a lucky person from the perspective of likely 99.95 of women my age. Here's the positively Tuesday moments from the past week. .
- I wasn't feeling like alcohol on Wednesday night at Trivia, but treated myself to take home crowlers (28 ounces in a large can) of the Gooseberry Seltzer. It is so tasty and I'm supporting the business without drinking that particular night. At the risk of sounding like a lush, I do feel at home at the brewery and really enjoy the Trivia nights.
- After the icky commute to my office on Thursday, I am very appreciative that I'll only be going in one day per week. It affirmed that I will start the day early and end late, to avoid the worst of rush hour.
- I am very proud to know my old friend, who just published his book, Shelter in Place, Poems in a Time of Covid-19. Read more about it, and consider ordering here. Stan has been doing sidewalk and on-line concerts on Sundays throughout the pandemic as well, lifting spirits. When I was very sick back in 1997 and ended up with a tricky surgery, more follow up care and was laid up for many weeks while trying to be mom to my then 9 and 7 year old's, he mailed me uplifting magazine or news stories, poems, and a mix of music CD's such as Dar Williams, throughout my recuperation.
- Bought myself the cheery mum at the top of the post. My daughter and I both thought the purple would be a brightener on dreary fall days and we selected one with lots of budding yet to do.
- I also bought this $3 garland. I love how it gives the fireplace mantel a nice fall pop of color. I am putting out my other minimal fall items tonight, but I opened that when I got home to check the length-perfect.
- My children are each doing well right now in their school or work life. All are busy, perhaps too busy, but considering the impact of so many people's livelihood and education experiences, I need to appreciate this for them. The youngest though is on pins and needles to see if she will be able to do her study abroad this spring.
- Had a lovely morning with my daughter at the Veg Fest. My thoughtful daughter, when my knee was acting up after a few hours, went and got the car and picked me up, despite, me taking us on a weird way back towards the car.
- Knowing I wanted to see it, she also picked up complimentary tickets for us for last nights movie. I had not seen the play, though knew the premise and several of the songs in some way shape or form in the years my other daughter was in show choir! (You will be found-the go to ballad in particular.)
- Pup was funny about being walked in the rain yesterday so he did a quick piddle and wanted back in, but I knew when I got home he would really need his walk. Flashlight in hand, we had a good nighttime walk and I just listened to the late summer sounds around the pond.
- The rain we had off and on most of yesterday has been followed by blue sky's and sun this morning. I have a hole in my schedule between 10:00 and 12:30 and plan to get outside. The world seems OK when I look out the window.