Warning-heavier post ahead. It's one of those mornings. My daughter and I saw Dear Evan Hansen last night-fiction, but so much hit me to prompt this post. I've been reminded very frequently in the past several days that life, and good things in life and heart ache, are not doled out equally. On the other hand, some people seem to have lucky horse shoes in their back pockets. I'm well aware what is public might not be reality, and all of us have our own woes and our own joys. Still, I'm tired of hearing about more weddings and more grand children, and more new homes and more vacations, and more promotions-whine, whine, whine. Life events are not equal, some people really do get the short end regularly, and others really do have golden tickets; life is not always fair.
At 55, I have days where I pity myself. The battles with depression, anxiety, and general malaise, the feelings of not fitting in are real to so many people in my life, including myself and it weighs on me, some days more than others. I thought I'd be doing more travelling, be making more money or at least have more disposable money, and not feel like I'm just on a hamster wheel at my job. I love the family I have, but hope so much for them that is out of my control. I wish I had a wider circle of close friends that now as empty nesters, we'd be unbeholden to our kids calendars. I thought I'd have plans every weekend, rather than too many boring weekends where DH is too tired to do anything but watch sports on TV. I'm tired of the physical pain in my knee that keeps me from doing as much local exploring as I'd like. I try though to get over the minor disappointments or at least set them aside to not overshadow things that are good. That's part of letting it out by whining on the computer. Sorry you are my unfortunate accomplice to this by reading. With this week's joys and simple pleasures, I'm trying to really think about how fortunate I am. Because, I truly am a lucky person from the perspective of likely 99.95 of women my age. Here's the positively Tuesday moments from the past week. .
- I wasn't feeling like alcohol on Wednesday night at Trivia, but treated myself to take home crowlers (28 ounces in a large can) of the Gooseberry Seltzer. It is so tasty and I'm supporting the business without drinking that particular night. At the risk of sounding like a lush, I do feel at home at the brewery and really enjoy the Trivia nights.
- After the icky commute to my office on Thursday, I am very appreciative that I'll only be going in one day per week. It affirmed that I will start the day early and end late, to avoid the worst of rush hour.
- I am very proud to know my old friend, who just published his book, Shelter in Place, Poems in a Time of Covid-19. Read more about it, and consider ordering here. Stan has been doing sidewalk and on-line concerts on Sundays throughout the pandemic as well, lifting spirits. When I was very sick back in 1997 and ended up with a tricky surgery, more follow up care and was laid up for many weeks while trying to be mom to my then 9 and 7 year old's, he mailed me uplifting magazine or news stories, poems, and a mix of music CD's such as Dar Williams, throughout my recuperation.
- Bought myself the cheery mum at the top of the post. My daughter and I both thought the purple would be a brightener on dreary fall days and we selected one with lots of budding yet to do.
- I also bought this $3 garland. I love how it gives the fireplace mantel a nice fall pop of color. I am putting out my other minimal fall items tonight, but I opened that when I got home to check the length-perfect.
- My children are each doing well right now in their school or work life. All are busy, perhaps too busy, but considering the impact of so many people's livelihood and education experiences, I need to appreciate this for them. The youngest though is on pins and needles to see if she will be able to do her study abroad this spring.
- Had a lovely morning with my daughter at the Veg Fest. My thoughtful daughter, when my knee was acting up after a few hours, went and got the car and picked me up, despite, me taking us on a weird way back towards the car.
- Knowing I wanted to see it, she also picked up complimentary tickets for us for last nights movie. I had not seen the play, though knew the premise and several of the songs in some way shape or form in the years my other daughter was in show choir! (You will be found-the go to ballad in particular.)
- Pup was funny about being walked in the rain yesterday so he did a quick piddle and wanted back in, but I knew when I got home he would really need his walk. Flashlight in hand, we had a good nighttime walk and I just listened to the late summer sounds around the pond.
- The rain we had off and on most of yesterday has been followed by blue sky's and sun this morning. I have a hole in my schedule between 10:00 and 12:30 and plan to get outside. The world seems OK when I look out the window.
I have down days too, more so than I care to admit even to myself. One thing I did which helped *me* was to refuse to have a mobile phone, and delete FB, (later created a new account ONLY to keep in touch with extended family) so I wouldn't get caught up in the comparison, particularly regarding my kids on social media. (If it were up to me, my older kids would be at entirely different points in their lives than they are now. But, those things really are not in my control are they?) On days when I wake up "down before I'm even up" as I say, I try to force myself to bolt out of bed, and get on with it, and avoid "triggers." For me, these are electronic devices, noise, crowds, and small children. By the time I do sit down, I'm usually so tired that even working a crossword causes me to drift off, and I head to bed wondering what I was so down about to begin with. To manage the likelihood of these episodes, I also have no compunction about asserting control over the things which are actually in my control, even if, for no other reason, than I *can* control it. To that end, I am generally pretty good about communicating my boundaries.
ReplyDeleteMeg I used to wonder when I got those dreadful round Robin Christmas letters where everyone had the fantastic children who played musical instruments, rode horses and excelled at sports and their studies. Heck I considered myself spoilt if my kids used soap in the shower! But you know what, so much of it is a façade, their kids aren't better than mine and if you have to keep blasting about your perfect life all over FB, chances are it isn't!
DeleteUgh! The Christmas letter was a trigger.My mother in law insists on doing one, but has us do the updates. My family comes off as the the "extras" as the other parts of the family have all their wins and successful achievements, where ours is basically only ages and jobs. I hate it, but play along to keep the peace.
DeleteOh my friend, you and I jumped off the same star as I have those exact same feelings about myself. Sometimes I dwell on why did my life have to be so hard? When most of my family had it so easy? Why did my sister in laws never have to work?, why do they have so much money? Why is there life so easy? What did I do to deserve this? Then I have to stop myself and say," You are blessed in so many ways." It is so easy to be ungrateful and that is a most grievous sin, but boy is it easy to compare ourselves to others and want more of some things and less of others. When I get that way I try and serve others and those feeling usually go away. Stay away from social media as it can trigger the why not me? People only post the good there and it can be a place to brag, but also a good place to tell people what you are proud of! It is a catch 22. It is easy to judge others when they are posting only the positive and feel like there life is perfect, but we don't see the behind scenes and that is where life gets messy. I think you are wonderful and that you have a wonderful life.
ReplyDeleteI used to be jealous of my (lovely) neighbour who had a husband who made good money and she could be a stay-at-home-mom! She came from money also, as did he, and here was me getting up at 6 a.m. and commuting 3 hours a day to my job. Fast forward so many years and they had job losses, trying to get him into the States (he was French) after he'd just been head-hunted and then they rescinded the offer. She eventually lost her beloved husband to cirrhosis caused by heavy drinking as a result of job pressure. She misses him terribly and has been floating around at a total loss since his death, pretty much attaching herself to her children who, truth be told, don't want her so closely intertwined with their lives. Life often has a way of giving with one hand and taking with the other.
DeleteI wasn't lamenting just for me. I rewrote parts if this post several times. My post originally had a reminder of an acquaintance that lost her husband, seemingly healthy husband, over night. They are both just middle 50's too. I was sad about it again and then heard about a golden girl's latest perfect house, this time Oceanside because her husband got a massive retirement buy out and they moved to a beach town in California. Life just felt so unbelievably unfair hearing both things this weekend. That with poor sleep, a disruption at work, and my feelings were in a downward spiral. You are right, Treaders, life has a way.
Delete(((Sam))) My heart goes out to you. Some days are better than others. What I think is great is that you’ve chosen to list multiple positive things in your life. I think that’s great.
ReplyDeleteI was in a poor frame of mind. Nothing horrible, but a lot of things wearing me thin, weighing on me. It helped to do the list, but I crawled in bed early.
DeleteLife can be very hard sometimes. I understand and live this. I think everyone has rough times, but yes, some do get gold while others struggle. Seeing the positives, as you do, helps. My best to you, Celie
ReplyDeleteThings aren't really rough, just wearing and I'm having those rudderless days. The initiator for my blue day was someone else's pain-an aquaintence who lost her husband recently. I appreciate your kind words.
DeleteSending hugs! You are not alone. Life isn't fair! Sometimes I wonder "why me?" and I get the answer "why not me?".
ReplyDeleteBut I love your positive take on things, and I find that if I also list the things that I am grateful for and the blessings that I do have, that I feel better about my life.
Your mums are beautiful, and the garland is so pretty too. Hope that tomorrow is a better day. I am looking forward to the new season.
I think I'll get a few more mum's. I appreciate that I have the blog as an outlet. I use it time to time when I feel less than, tired, sad, overwhelmed just to get my emotions out. Knowing people get it is a help.
DeleteI never have bad days, maybe a bad two or three hours. It always passes as does yours, I bet. I suppose I am lucky because my FB friends never brag or fight. But, I go there rarely. However, being ill and hurting are rough. Sorry about the knee. Thankfully, you only drive once a week to work. I was thinking earlier about my 50+ mile drive to work and being grateful I don't do that anymore. You are 20 years younger than I am, and something to celebrate--your relative youth. I will check the book.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't have to bragging- just reading life can bring my feelings out when I have down days, and not even just social media. It could be my mil telling us about someone we don't even know, or a news story. I use the blog as a release on these days. Some people get it and others will scratch their heads and move on.
DeleteOn days when I'm a bit down, and feeling sorry for myself that my grandchildren aren't in this country and that my daughter lives 8 hours away by car, I just try to keep busy. Gardening is wonderful therapy for me, a couple of small tasks to do leads to a couple of hours and it's good exercise as well. I also love to cook, read, play the piano and these all combine to fill my day, perhaps with a touch of shopping which we can do here, however I still have down moments and that's ok. I think most people probably do. Indulge yourself and have something to look forward to with genuine friends. Life certainly isn't easy at times. x
ReplyDeleteThat's my list- therapy to remind myself of the good. I really appreciate your comment. Most of us do have bad days and sharing maybe helps others not feel alone.
DeleteOh Sam, for me, when I hit my mid-50s I had had enough of working, I can tell you. I was truly tired, especially given my horrendous commute, and I wanted out - but couldn't of course, at that point. My sister told me when the time came to retire it would hit me in the face and I would be ready - and she was right. But you know, I was born into a large, poor family in England. I mean really poor and while on the surface it would seem awful, I always had loads of kids to play with and the love of a good family. I remember talking to my school friend when I flew out to Bulgaria to see him when we met up again after 36 years and he was saying he didn't regret our childhood at all, because we always appreciated what we had (and everyone was poor anyway). So while sometimes it might appear that some people "have it all", very often they don't. You wouldn't believe how many unhappy rich kids I've known working in Geneva! I know it's not about money really anyway, is it, it's probably more about being tired and in pain, so go ahead, spoil yourself and try to get some rest. I'm sure you'll be on the up in no time!
ReplyDeleteIt's truly not money- it's feeling stuck. Money is a tool to help get unstuck, but just a help, not a fix. As I said in a few comments, this latest pity party wasn't even launched from a direct experience, but a reminder of a loss of someone else. Work is filled with so much unknown and the latest news is leaving many of us in a hurry up, then wait pattern-the hamster wheel that comes to an abrupt stop, then starts again.I do appreciate my blog friends- thanks for being here.
DeleteI used to feel like that especially through my late 40s thru mid 50s.
ReplyDeleteDaddy asked me why I felt I needed to compare myself to others? What was the life I wanted..to write it out for him. When I did and handed it to him, he showed me something on that list were possible but only if I gave up the idea I had to have it all to have the "perfect" life.
I would have to say living amongst the Amish has brought a peace I haven't had. Even the Englishers in the neighborhood aren't into keeping up with the Jones.
It's not keeping up with the Jones, per se, its more about not feeling content with who I am. Then, seeing the unfair distribution of "the good stuff" even if not specifically me, adds to the frustration. I can see that living in a community and with people that see value in truly the simple things would make a difference.
DeleteIt's so hard to feel stuck. I'm sitting here, feeling so frustrated, anxious (can't sleep at night), worried about work & kid stuff. In the grand scheme of things, I'm paid incredibly well for what I do, I need to let the kids sort out their own life choices (even when I worry so much). In a lesson to me, Nick recently made a choice I disagree with, and his friend made the opposite choice (the one I agreed with). Fast forward a few months, and I can actually see both decisions much clearer, and there are pros & cons on both sides I hadn't noticed earlier. I was really surprised. Now, I can't tell you if Nick made a decision with all of that clarity that I didn't have, or if fate just played out to make the decision more balanced than I'd envisioned, but there you have it.
ReplyDeleteA few things I'm grateful for today:
-I don't have to drive anyone anywhere today, after a brief doctor's appt this morning. Evenings together are so rare
-Weather is lovely
-I've made it through 2/3 of my crazy time at work
-Yesterday I ate well, and worked out, & caught up with a friend (walked at soccer practice). The days when I've been able to prioritize my health have been few & far between lately, so I'll take it.
Hugs to you. Maybe try a couple of things today: 1) deep breathing (or meditating) in a dark room. Just 5 minutes might be helpful. Just count your breaths, in & out to ten, & then start over. 2) listen to music that makes you happy. 3) consider if there is any physical exercise that might work with your knee. Perhaps using some hand weights while sitting? Biking? Even 15 minutes of physical exercise is such a mood booster for me.
Its so hard to having worry about kids, and then once they are adults, you truly have no control in their life! For instance, I don't get why my beautiful, kind, hardworking daughter just meets guys who are really just boys. I have no control, but I feel her disappointment profoundly. I will take the virtual hugs and suggestions-they do help.
DeleteSo strange I would read your blog today. I've been so blue the past few weeks...even with another g'daughter, & a 3rd coming in a week! I truly think the way the politics of the country, all the serious issues that have been born in the country/world have taken such a toll on people. The division has just left us in such a downward spiral. So much damage has been done. I think finding something that we love to do, trying to see a friend as often as possible, reading uplifting books, getting a daily walk in, maybe talking to neighbors along the way, helps to mend our sad ways. I don't sleep well either. My hubby & I feel so irrelevant when we're with our kids. We know they love us, but there is a younger "attitude" that somehow just appears from them. They mean well, but they're really not interested in our views, etc. All I can do is make my day (& hubby's) as pleasant as I can. Cook a good meal daily, get take out occasionally, & enjoy what we have build over nearly 51 years. A glass of wine also helps every afternoon!!
ReplyDeleteIt is a comfort to know these days do not last and there are others to be with us when they are.
ReplyDeleteIt is always an honor to read your entries esp. this sort.