Check-In

      It's been a month since my husband died unexpectedly, changing my and my kids world completely. I've read your sweet comments and emails, the cards sent in real post, and feel the love and support of this online community. I'm just trying to navigate life now. Every day there's something new, more paperwork, a punch in the gut reminder of plans we made that won't happen, the loss all over again. I may not share any details, or maybe in time, I'll feel like sharing. I don't know from day to day how I will or am supposed to be. I hear this is normal. What's normal though anymore? I feel mixed between having no patience for whining about stupid life annoyances and being jealous of those same people who have the luxury of letting a little annoyance be their biggest pain of the day. I'm reading blogs, it's a bit of routine I feel is helpful, but have rarely commented. I like reading what's going on (my impatience with whining aside), new day trips and explorations, family life, funky (to me) ensembles that bring the blogger joy. 

     I left a comment to Kim, who I want to see in person and just be silent side by side because she knows, and I wanted her to know I am with her, at least in my heart. I commented to Sluggy to let her husband buy the beer. I wish my husband would have just bought more of the simple things that make him smile. He was a good man, a good provider, always wanting to make sure we were all taken care of, so delayed self-gratification frequently.  It took him decades to finally buy his boat, and now there it sits, without a captain. Buy the beer people. Better yet, indulge those aches and pains, "just a cold", or any other symptom with honest to goodness medical care. I have so many "I should have made him" moments, it eats me up. But, I have as many, "I'm glad we got to do this" moments as well. 

     The kids picked out the music for his memorial video, his favorites and ones important to them and him. We all together selected where we will make donations in his memory. DS spoke at the service on their behalf. DD1 wrote a beautiful poem for the tribute cards, and DD2 picked her favorite contemporary song for the service 10,000 Reasons. We included my mother-in-law in the plans too, and she selected the other hymn for the service. Our two God children read the verses we selected. There were more flowers than I had ever seen and both the visitation and service the next day were filled with people we knew and didn't but knew him through business or as old classmates. The service itself was fairly brief, with the pastor, who was pretty shook up by DS's death himself, giving a wonderful talk. So many people commented that the service was just so beautiful and fitting for him. And now, it's done. A month has gone by and it still feels like a really horrible dream. I cry at odd things, and things I suppose anyone would cry over in my situation. I try being strong, particularly when dealing with the never-ending paperwork, follow-up calls, or utility companies and insurance companies. I try being strong when the kids are around me, but then will ask for a few minutes to myself. Pup tends to barge into my bedroom and join me. He's seen often sitting and watching the front door. 

     My old blog content just doesn't fit right now, maybe will not again. We were trying to plan for an early retirement that won't be coming now. It's just me to think about, and how I can use some of the good planning he did and we did together to help our kids live out their hopes and dreams with a little less financial stress. It would make my husband happy to know and see them moving forward as they can, living productive lives as the good and kind people we raised them to be. They are all grieving hard, and in their own way. It's hitting them each differently as both their relationships with him, and where they are in life is so different. My son stayed longer but will be leaving soon. 

     He is helping me make sure the most important things are done, and the things on the house that need attention are planned for. DD1 has stayed here more than her own house, and it's been a hard return to school for DD2. She will come home whenever she needs but is trying to stay on track for her spring graduation. I took nearly two full weeks off, but then resumed work for the rest of this month on what I'm calling an intermittent schedule. I'm doing things that have to be done, triaging, and delegating things others can do. Basically, I'm just trying to keep my job floating. I'll take a vacation week when DD2 has spring break, but then will just take scheduled time as needed for all the appointments I still have to make, in person, by phone, or virtually. Did I mention the never-ending paperwork? I don't know how long I'll keep working now. My timeline has probably changed, but I'll make no decisions for a while. With all the time I've had off, I still have over five weeks of vacation banked, and sick leave to cover whatever time I determine is needed to manage my physical and mental health needs. I plan to use it and be selfish, no self-preserved, and use every minute I've earned. I know I am incredibly privileged to not have worries that so many in my situation would have and that is down to DH being such a good man and always putting his family first.

     I don't know when I'll formally blog again. Maybe I'll start something new in time. I appreciate the respect for my privacy not wanting to share the details of his passing. I did think you all deserved though to know directly from me that your kindness, support, and virtual hugs, were seen, felt, and appreciated. 

Thank you, 

Sam