My Life in a Long Post

      I'm working on being strong, well at least stronger. Physically, I'm trying to walk more and include some strength based exercise. I'm trying to eat better, get less simple carbs, more lean proteins, fruits, veggies, and whole grains. Mentally, it's going to be a long journey. My niece posted this. She's dealt with a lot, and just works harder- physically and mentally, when she has rougher patches. I'm borrowing it.

     Shout outs to all non-weak asses out there. I won't say I'm not gonna continue to have bouts of profound sadness, frustration, loneliness, and outright melt downs. What I will say is even if I hit the bottom, I'm going to crawl out of that well. I have to. Like the continued crap with DH's car loan and now not releasing the lean. Every time I call, I get a new hoop to jump through. They won't break me. No advise needed, I'm getting legal help, but dang.

     I need to clarify my post last week. My feelings of being judged are just my perception, and in certain moments, taking small irrelevant comments in ways not intended. That's part of my strength gaining efforts - let those things slide. I also don't want to paint my in-laws as bad people or toxic. I think they've all moved to a different place in their grief. After all, their day to day life, even my MIL's, didn't really change. Of course he left a hole for them too, but every day they aren't needing to reassess 36 years of plans and begin again. It's just a different impact. If I don't want people to expect things from me, I too can't expect others to act a certain way.

     I spent DH's birthday this past week with every one of those hard emotions. It was supposed to be the day he gave notice of his retirement. Everyone else (kids excluded) had a normal weekday I'm sure, though his sister sent out a group "thinking of everyone" text to me, my kids, his brother, and mom. I drank Diet Coke, purchased through McDonald's drive through, a relapse to my former bad habit. I ate something at some point. I spent the day at my daughter's so the dogs could play freely. I crashed with exhaustion and ignored the days emails. Yet, I got up the next day, drove back home, worked my job, solved a major issue, talked to my kids, even DD2 in Norway. I even booked my airfare for the cruise. Life went on. This is how things are; l can't change any of it, but can maybe change my facade. In time, maybe my outward appearance won't be just concealment. 

     Other things from the week were steps forward and back. The deck got taken down and hauled away. There was a lot of debris under it, pushed by dogs, cats, children the past 32 years so I got that all picked up for the trash collection Wednesday. The young man doing the patio has his truck back so that meant he could get the decking hauled away and start the gravel  and footings for the patio. I'm going to have to do something about the siding now as when house was resided, of course the deck blocked bottom of house. Now there's space between end of siding and bottom of house. The picture below was taken from the park. Yeah, it's chaos in the back yard. He worked Wednesday, then nothing Thursday or Friday. Fingers crossed he's back on it today, though I hear rumblings of potential storms. That's part of why I spent DH's birthday at my daughter's. Her back yard is a beautiful retreat. 

No deck, no patio yet. Siding solution needed. 

      The last of the yard waste ( for now) got taken to the collection site last Saturday. I even did some of the hauling myself. It's nice it's so close, and I'll take care of things right away going forward.There was a river rock border around the deck. It's been slow going, and will be ongoing until done as I need to be out of his way. I've moved rocks, just a few buckets so far, to fill in the front and side of garage rock garden area. I helped my friend water her various plants and garden while they were on vacation. It felt good to give back to her after all the support she's given us. I've done more outside work this summer than I've done in decades. I know I took DH and all his outside duties for granted. I just never worried about the outside maintenance. Well, it's my duty now and I'm going to rise to the challenge.

    I think next year I'll figure out some pollinator plants. I love this area by the pond. One afternoon I chatted with one of the water preservation gentlemen that are working to improve the city ponds. He told me there was going to be a floating island that would be anchored with plants that grow through and settle to the bottom. It's a man made ponding basin, but the improvements help it feel and look natural. My daughter also has beautiful pollinator plants in her deck planters.

     It's been quiet with my daughter gone to Norway, not that she's loud, but just the sounds of someone else here. I'll need to get used to it as she'll move into her apartment when she's back. It will be sparsely decorated but she's had a few offers of items needed. She's having a good time with extended family, like they already knew her. DD1 is helping her cousin tomorrow all day so grandpup will be at my house. He's just so darn cute and pup rises to compete with equal cuteness. They are confused about the backyard and why they can't go out the back door.

     Meals for the week were really basic and leftovers were either eaten another night or lunches. After bringing DD2 on Sunday, I finally cleaned out fridge and freezer. I bought a few odds and ends, but other than milk and maybe fresh fruit and veg, won't need many groceries the rest of the month. Lunches were leftovers of course. 

• Saturday: Grilled bratwurst, fruit at my sister's ( ok and some tortilla chips and a rice krispie treat)
• Sunday: Leftover chickpea and vegetable curry (I froze some for daughter too after making a massive pot of it Saturday for her) 
• Monday: Rice crust quiche with spinach and bacon 
• Tuesday: Weird because it was hot out, but with eating down pantry and freezer, I made potato crockpot soup with bacon bits, and boxed au gratin potatoes. I googled a few recipes for ideas, but sort of winged it myself and used  crockpot. As it uses salt heavy packaged food, it won't be an often meal, but with four cups water, more veggies, and probably two cups milk, I diluted the cheese packet, compensating with more onion and garlic powder. I froze some in a freezer bag.
• Wednesday: Zucchini fritter,  broccoli, garlic toast
• Thursday: leftovers 
• Friday: Dinner out with family

     I hope to get some refrigerator pickles made this weekend if my daughter has enough spare cucumbers ready. Those were cantaloupe a few weeks back, not watermelon but now she has both coming. I also have enough cherries frozen for two more batches of jam. My sister gave me 1/2 dozen jam jars for the cause. I think I'm a homebody all weekend, no plans at all. I need to get my friend's house key back and another sister invited me to join her and friends out at a regional park for a camp fire. I'll see how I've made progress by then. That's what my life has been since we last talked. How are you all living August?

The Week-Steps, Forward, Back, and Sideways

      I've kept to weekly blogging. It's a way to track my days, which all just seem a blur rolling one into the next. Things are happening here so I need to wake up figuratively and literally everyday and be ready for the days plans. 

     Last Saturday was devoted to outside. The tree limbs hauled, more weeds pulled, hornets nests dealt with. My daughter and neighbor were the heavy lifters. I'm not great with hard physical labor, but did my best. Sunday was more sublime, but another couple hours still. I had inside cleaning that needed to be done since nothing happened Saturday and I was less than successful. The pines are all tackled now. We priced mulch at Menards and now I have to figure out how much I need per tree. 

Lower branches removed on all four pines.

     My counterpart to Kim's Sissie wanted to do sort of an intervention with me. She thinks I've not given myself time to grieve because I'm too focused on kids, my job, the house projects. Then in another breath she asks why such and such hadn't happened yet or brings me stuff from her house and can't understand why I don't want it( more clutter). My level  headed sister came as support for me, and it all was fine. Everyone means well, but I can't help feeling judged that I'm not widowing right. 

     Meals this week were simple. My only shopping was at the Kwik Trip for necessities- and potato chips which I slovenly ate in a single sitting. It was not a single serve bag and I felt the impact. 

• Saturday- Leftovers from a Chipotle lunch
• Sunday- Pasta concoction with assorted vegetables
• Monday- The girls and I took my mother-in-law out for an early birthday dinner as DD2 is gone for her actual day
• Tuesday and Wednesday- just me, so had leftovers found in freezer from last week
• Thursday-DD2 had an elective procedure, neither of us felt like meals so just sort of nibbled 
• Friday- Cheese ravioli with spinach in a pasta sauce

     The deck removal/ patio project has begun. However, communication by the contractor has been poor, and it's on a slow start, barely getting 1/4 of the deck removed.

His truck broke down too so I doubt he'll finish in the week estimated. I'm mentally wore out, emotionally drained but it will be so nice once done. I tell myself that at least.

     Here's the small seating furniture I bought back in April. Throw pillows not included but I figure I  might strike it lucky with end of summer clearance. The pictures from Targets shopping cart, so apologies it's blurry. 

     It'll be a few weeks before using as the concrete needs to set. Another project for my hard working daughter to help me with. 

     DD2's elective procedure went well, but she's got some visible healing to do. And she's leaving on her trip tomorrow afternoon for two weeks. The timing wasn't great, but there's no issues with travel, just appearance for a few more days. 

     We took my Mother-in-law out for an early birthday dinner since DD2 will be gone. My husband's birthday is this month and I'm not going to feel like being around his family celebrating. I won't go to the lake without my kids and haven't been there since DS left. I don't hear from his siblings or their spouses, kids, at all. Well, the brother-in-law's admin person contacts me about financial plan stuff and documents. I guess we are transactions now. I'm being whiny. Still, a text from my BIL's wife, who I thought was a friend, wouldn't be unwelcome. Admittedly, I've not asked anyone in his family for help after the boat help fell through, but no offers have come, not even the vague, "let me know if you needed anything."

     My older daughter has a guest this weekend. I'm glad for her. She worked so hard at my house, and is doing a lot of shifts for her cousin and the food truck. She's trying to refill her savings after the fence, and hopefully have a little travel money. I'm happy to have grandpup on those days. Unconditional love! I do go on and on. I've got cleaning, errands, and caretaker duties to help my daughter before she leaves. I best continue on with my day, despite now battling a summer cold. Thanks for any comments. They really do feel good to talk to you all.

Hmm, Anything to Talk About?

      I appreciate comments as it helps me think I'm having conversations with people other than myself. When alone, I talk to myself, and when frustrated about something, to DH. This week was, let me find the word, stuporous. I just felt like I was going through the motions all week and in a fog. I suppose it had to do with the hot temps to a point and the lack of any enthusiasm towards my job right now. Getting outside for walks were needed for dogs and humans, but they weren't enjoyable. No dangerous heat conditions for me as we have full functioning central air, so I'll quit complaining. I am heart broken reading about weather related tragedies, and know I am extremely fortunate with my living situation. Still, look at this picture of the Minneapolis skyline from my office on Tuesday. The air quality was horrible and it was hazy. This was mid afternoon and not a rainy kind of day.

     Meals is always a good subject to share in blogs. I don't have recipe links as all was just winging it. Here's a few from the past week.

• Saturday- Crockpot cheese ravioli with zucchini and mushrooms
• Sunday- Just me for supper so had toast with cucumber and hummus, fruit and yogurt, but earlier made breakfast of fruit, scrambled eggs and homemade muffins, plus we both nibbled on leftovers for lunch
• Monday- Tuna hotdish 
• Tuesday- Chickpea and vegetable masala 
• Wednesday-Homemade chicken taquitos/floutus with rice and refried beans
• Thursday- Spaghetti with a tomato, mushrooms, and zucchini sauce
• Friday- Leftovers, and will probably be through the weekend. My older daughter is helping with things, but not much of my leftover's fit her vegan diet. 

     Lunches were leftovers, egg salad, veggies and hummus, fruit, rice and veggies ( DD2 just loves rice so makes a pot to have over a few days).  The batch of raspberry muffins were eaten for snacks and meals too. Several went into the freezer. I'm trying to eat down the pantry and refrigerator and have a clean start in August. I've picked up a few good buys for the freezer though, two 12 oz packages of bacon, and a couple one pound packages of  ground beef. It stretches very far with just DD2 and I. I'm out of milk, bread, and bananas, so probably will just stop at Kwik Trip.

     Book club was Monday night. Lessons in Chemistry was our selection and I found it a good read and was fodder for good conversation. Next up is The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. The copy I read of Chemistry was my daughter's, bought in a bookstore in Oxford, so she wanted me to take special care of it. Books are her thing. There's a branch of the St Paul library within a short walking distance of her new apartment. 

     I like the neighborhood she'll be living in. It's very easy access to connecting highways and freeways, yet very walkable to parks , restaurants, and coffee shops. Likely she'll need to drive for groceries, but in a pinch there's a C store near her. Bonus, it's on my route to work and I have a friend and a friendly retired former coworker very close to her (blocks) as well should an emergency happen. Actually, I have lots of St Paul people connections that wouldn't hesitate to intervene if needed. 

     I got more purged from laundry room and need to get a few things dropped off for donation. Much was trashed in the regular garbage pick up. I need it cleaned out, a shelf moved, so I can order and get a new washing machine. Mine is too far gone so expensive to get fixed, though will be repurposed if anything is salvageable. I used my daughter's house as a laundromat twice. I think we're good for at least another week but I'll need to use her house again or pay the machine costs in town as it's going to be a while before I'm ready for more chaos in the house. At my daughter's house is a cute laundry room set up. It's in a hallway pass between her kitchen and dining room, across from her lower bathroom. My dryer seems fine, but I'm contemplating replacing both. That really would be wasteful though. 

     I avoided a lot of popular culture stuff. I didn't partake much in our towns annual festival, with the exception of a quick walk through the craft fair and then stopping to hear the marching band concert. No Barbie viewing for me either. I moved a lot of the wood pile, continuing to invite others to help themselves. The log holder came, but I will request my daughter's help assembling. I got some weed pulling, lopping, and whacking done after 8:00 when it cooled down a bit. I moved grandpups kennel to better access the garage now that we can use it for bikes and the car. Oh, and scheduled haul away of the old refrigerator. The tanning bed disposal will be a while from now project as the bulbs need to come out to be disposed of separately. The fee was atrocious too, so it might stay tucked on the side of the garage for a while. Why is it here????

     My kind neighbor, the first one that tackled the wood pile, finished my last two pines, plus trimmed the maple. He's hauling stuff for me today. A gift card to treat him and his wife hardly seems enough, but I'll make sure I have his Blue Moon on hand too. The patio project starts next week. Picture to show the current chaos back there. Once all the debris is hauled off and the patio poured, I can tackle the remnants of sticks and pine needles get some grass seed down. I need to research what to do to neutralize the acidity under the pine trees, but minimally I'll need to get a bit of top soil down. 

     I can really blather on about nothing. If you're still reading, thank you for stopping by. Maybe next week will be something of substance. Have a good week. 

     

     

Lists of Lists and More Life Changes

   

DD1'S new fence with 
grandpup inspecting.

  It's been a crazy work week and lots of news and change on the personal front. Work is just what work will be for a while. I'm trying harder to hold to my schedule, though had to work several hours on Friday when it was supposed to be my day off and participated in a 90 minute meeting. I was glad though in the end as a couple huge missteps were likely avoided because of my speaking up on an issue. We also found a funding issue that was holding up opening our new fiscal year. I guess the personal changes, though hard, are good.

     DS went back to California. He has two jobs, one short duration followed by one several months that are not dependent on the various strikes in his industry. Fingers crossed things will be settled by the time the long project wraps up, and his regular rotation resumes. This came up quick, and was sad for DD2 who wasn't really tracking how quickly he might have to head back home should opportunity present itself. He's been covering his expenses from saved funds and the little side efforts working for his cousin. I'll miss him a lot, and he hopes to come home for Christmas. 

     DD2 has her own stuff though. I may have not mentioned she's going to go to Norway for a few weeks. The first part is staying with family and last five days staying in a young adult youth hostel that has options for organized activities. She'll head back, and here's the big change, will move into an apartment with a friend. Her job starts August 28. 

    It'll be sad of course to have an empty house, but these changes are right, positive, and good for her. She's going to be living right on my route to the office, and only 35 minutes or so from my house. She'll have an easy drive to her job and can more smoothly ease into full adulting, while knowing I and her sister are a close safety net away. Financially it's probably not the best, but  we seem to sometimes feed each others grief, and she needs to be young, not feel tied to me. They applied and got the apartment with no cosigner's needed, so that too is a positive in securing her future options dependent on credit scores. She has to make lists- packing lists for both the trip and her move.

     DD1 finally has her fence. Surprisingly, the yard looks even larger even though enclosed. It's been nice for grandpup to be able to chase balls, get outside whenever he wants, without her having to either go with or tether, and not be worried about him leaving the yard. Yes, he needs more training, but the space will make that easier too. I'm just so happy and proud of her making her place her own oasis.

First watermelon sighting.

First tomato. 

     Her garden is going like crazy. Lots of lessons learned for next year, but for her first attempt, she gets a solid B+! You can see some of the raised beds above. We've enjoyed cooking and eating fresh items like zucchini, snap peas, and cucumbers. I made zucchini fritters one night. So good! She and I are both making meal planning lists to use or store her good stuff. All three of us have looked up recipes. 

These were delicious! 

     My purging, then organizing continues. It will be a job that goes well into fall. Who am I kidding, through next year and still likely not done. But, through the chaos there's tiny glimpses of creating the calm I need. Of course I have lists going on about what needs to be done by when, my budget for the projects, items still to get donated or to the recycling center. Lists are either helping me manage or consuming my life. It took a while for them to pick up the dumpster so I added a few things during the week as I could that weren't salvageable. We've all determined becoming a minimalist, and by that I mean just stuff that we need or truly want and use, is the direction we're aiming for. No secure date on patio redo or bathroom yet, so I keep waiting. 

     I've now been a widow for six months. How is this life mine? I don't know when I'll ever truly feel a sense of normal. I still just feel like I was cheated out of what we'd worked and saved so hard for, easing into our later years, and watching our family grow together. Now, I'm focusing those hard earned efforts to my kids, while trying to simplify my day to day so I'm not a burden as I grow older.