My Life in a Long Post

      I'm working on being strong, well at least stronger. Physically, I'm trying to walk more and include some strength based exercise. I'm trying to eat better, get less simple carbs, more lean proteins, fruits, veggies, and whole grains. Mentally, it's going to be a long journey. My niece posted this. She's dealt with a lot, and just works harder- physically and mentally, when she has rougher patches. I'm borrowing it.

     Shout outs to all non-weak asses out there. I won't say I'm not gonna continue to have bouts of profound sadness, frustration, loneliness, and outright melt downs. What I will say is even if I hit the bottom, I'm going to crawl out of that well. I have to. Like the continued crap with DH's car loan and now not releasing the lean. Every time I call, I get a new hoop to jump through. They won't break me. No advise needed, I'm getting legal help, but dang.

     I need to clarify my post last week. My feelings of being judged are just my perception, and in certain moments, taking small irrelevant comments in ways not intended. That's part of my strength gaining efforts - let those things slide. I also don't want to paint my in-laws as bad people or toxic. I think they've all moved to a different place in their grief. After all, their day to day life, even my MIL's, didn't really change. Of course he left a hole for them too, but every day they aren't needing to reassess 36 years of plans and begin again. It's just a different impact. If I don't want people to expect things from me, I too can't expect others to act a certain way.

     I spent DH's birthday this past week with every one of those hard emotions. It was supposed to be the day he gave notice of his retirement. Everyone else (kids excluded) had a normal weekday I'm sure, though his sister sent out a group "thinking of everyone" text to me, my kids, his brother, and mom. I drank Diet Coke, purchased through McDonald's drive through, a relapse to my former bad habit. I ate something at some point. I spent the day at my daughter's so the dogs could play freely. I crashed with exhaustion and ignored the days emails. Yet, I got up the next day, drove back home, worked my job, solved a major issue, talked to my kids, even DD2 in Norway. I even booked my airfare for the cruise. Life went on. This is how things are; l can't change any of it, but can maybe change my facade. In time, maybe my outward appearance won't be just concealment. 

     Other things from the week were steps forward and back. The deck got taken down and hauled away. There was a lot of debris under it, pushed by dogs, cats, children the past 32 years so I got that all picked up for the trash collection Wednesday. The young man doing the patio has his truck back so that meant he could get the decking hauled away and start the gravel  and footings for the patio. I'm going to have to do something about the siding now as when house was resided, of course the deck blocked bottom of house. Now there's space between end of siding and bottom of house. The picture below was taken from the park. Yeah, it's chaos in the back yard. He worked Wednesday, then nothing Thursday or Friday. Fingers crossed he's back on it today, though I hear rumblings of potential storms. That's part of why I spent DH's birthday at my daughter's. Her back yard is a beautiful retreat. 

No deck, no patio yet. Siding solution needed. 

      The last of the yard waste ( for now) got taken to the collection site last Saturday. I even did some of the hauling myself. It's nice it's so close, and I'll take care of things right away going forward.There was a river rock border around the deck. It's been slow going, and will be ongoing until done as I need to be out of his way. I've moved rocks, just a few buckets so far, to fill in the front and side of garage rock garden area. I helped my friend water her various plants and garden while they were on vacation. It felt good to give back to her after all the support she's given us. I've done more outside work this summer than I've done in decades. I know I took DH and all his outside duties for granted. I just never worried about the outside maintenance. Well, it's my duty now and I'm going to rise to the challenge.

    I think next year I'll figure out some pollinator plants. I love this area by the pond. One afternoon I chatted with one of the water preservation gentlemen that are working to improve the city ponds. He told me there was going to be a floating island that would be anchored with plants that grow through and settle to the bottom. It's a man made ponding basin, but the improvements help it feel and look natural. My daughter also has beautiful pollinator plants in her deck planters.

     It's been quiet with my daughter gone to Norway, not that she's loud, but just the sounds of someone else here. I'll need to get used to it as she'll move into her apartment when she's back. It will be sparsely decorated but she's had a few offers of items needed. She's having a good time with extended family, like they already knew her. DD1 is helping her cousin tomorrow all day so grandpup will be at my house. He's just so darn cute and pup rises to compete with equal cuteness. They are confused about the backyard and why they can't go out the back door.

     Meals for the week were really basic and leftovers were either eaten another night or lunches. After bringing DD2 on Sunday, I finally cleaned out fridge and freezer. I bought a few odds and ends, but other than milk and maybe fresh fruit and veg, won't need many groceries the rest of the month. Lunches were leftovers of course. 

• Saturday: Grilled bratwurst, fruit at my sister's ( ok and some tortilla chips and a rice krispie treat)
• Sunday: Leftover chickpea and vegetable curry (I froze some for daughter too after making a massive pot of it Saturday for her) 
• Monday: Rice crust quiche with spinach and bacon 
• Tuesday: Weird because it was hot out, but with eating down pantry and freezer, I made potato crockpot soup with bacon bits, and boxed au gratin potatoes. I googled a few recipes for ideas, but sort of winged it myself and used  crockpot. As it uses salt heavy packaged food, it won't be an often meal, but with four cups water, more veggies, and probably two cups milk, I diluted the cheese packet, compensating with more onion and garlic powder. I froze some in a freezer bag.
• Wednesday: Zucchini fritter,  broccoli, garlic toast
• Thursday: leftovers 
• Friday: Dinner out with family

     I hope to get some refrigerator pickles made this weekend if my daughter has enough spare cucumbers ready. Those were cantaloupe a few weeks back, not watermelon but now she has both coming. I also have enough cherries frozen for two more batches of jam. My sister gave me 1/2 dozen jam jars for the cause. I think I'm a homebody all weekend, no plans at all. I need to get my friend's house key back and another sister invited me to join her and friends out at a regional park for a camp fire. I'll see how I've made progress by then. That's what my life has been since we last talked. How are you all living August?