This has been a sad week. Over the weekend a 51 year old man from our church passed away, unexpectedly "but peacefully" the obituary said. His college age daughter played the drums in the teen ensemble when DD2 was first part of the group. Monday night, the 52 year old father of one of DD2's show choir friends died unexpectedly at the same time the finale production was happening. His wife and I worked together before the first show and in between the second show, steaming dresses, organizing the racks, and helping the kids get ready. She mentioned her husband and a couple other family ended up not be able to be there and she had extra tickets. I've become friendly with her this year, both of us being in the education field have a lot in common to talk about on the long days chaperoning. They also have a college freshman son. I noticed she got a call right at the start of the second show and left abruptly, but I thought nothing of it, assuming a family member did make it, and she was going to find them.The kids all stayed late yesterday making cards for their friend and her family.
My beloved 95 year old aunt passed away Tuesday morning as well. She was my dad's oldest sibling, the last surviving member of that generation. I will write a whole post about her, such a beautiful soul, with more heart ache and tragedy in her life than anyone should face, but who lived a life of caring and giving to others. More than 40 years of living difference between my aunt and these men. I am heart broken that neither will see their daughters grow up, build lives and families, that J will not see his son pitch the spring home opener for his college baseball team. I'm heart broken that while my aunt lived such a long life, she was the last connection to my dad's life before any of us were a part of it.
I'll continue to write about the struggle and successes to save money, managing to find time, trying to have adventures, both little and big, and creative cooking. Today though, I have pensive thoughts of my own life, and fear that I am wasting it, not embracing enough of what the world has to offer. I own guilt for my quick biting response to others when I'm annoyed, particularly those most dear to me, and my pettiness about stuff in life that really doesn't matter. For now, for the immediate future, I hope I can just focus on being a good person. I want to truly appreciate every blessing I have, especially those that I don't always see as blessings. From my messy house, to my less than fulfilling job, to my mother in law with a critical eye, who will be returning soon from the south, to my chunky body, I want to see the good of all. On that end note, I wish the same for all of you.
Read between the lines and you can probably figure out I didn't get into the next round for the dream job. I lamented a bit by text to DD1 and DH. I whined on the phone to DH as well. I felt disappointed, had a little pity party in my head driving home. By the time I was in my driveway, I was good. Thinking back, I answered every question honestly,accurately, and without pretense. There is nothing I could have done differently. Of course I had to get the news on a Tuesday! They just weren't looking for me to put forward. I'm annoyed that I didn't actually ever meet the client. That seems a bit disingenuous since the recruiter contacted me after the closing period and had several rushed turn around times. That's how recruiters work I guess. I can honestly say though I will not work with one again if solicited for anything short of a dream job.
I love the picture above. The first part, the touchy feely, it will be ok message. The bottom half though, is funny, yet empowering. I don't need to wait for someone to open doors for me, my hands work perfectly well to open one myself. Better yet, how about I build a door and create something entirely new to walk through. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. On the bright side, I got three blog posts out of the saga.
Yesterday was the third anniversary of my sisters unexpected death from a brain aneurysm. Today would have been her birthday. Later this month will be the 6th anniversary of my mom's death, which happened the day after her birthday and day before mine. It is not a secret why I get the blues in November of late. I find myself getting weepy just looking at the calendar. It's my reminder that I won't always have the people in my life, so many will go before me, and I will never be prepared for that.
But then, I try and remember them both how I imagine they want to be remembered. Mom lived a hectic and hard worked life, but a good life none the same. She had dozens of friends, many since childhood, right up until the day she passed away. She loved having the large family, grandchildren and great grandchildren.Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday, since of course, I arrived on that day in 1965, followed by the traditional day after shopping, or in the later years when she was less mobile, just lunch or happy hour with all us girls.
My sister was the party girl-the life of any party. She will be missed so much on Saturday when the rest of my sisters and I have our annual weekend, but I know we will at several points of the day where tears come out of our eyes from laughing so hard at a story remembered. November is just going to always be a hard month, but I am grateful that we decided to keep our first weekend in November retreat going. With a family of 9 girls, including my sister in law, we often were short someone being able to come. This year, my sister M is swamped at work, but will join us later for poker nights and massive amounts of beer and wine. We'll crack open a Miller Lite' J's beer of choice, have Motown and 60''s heart throb music on, her favorite kind, and say a birthday toast to her.
Since starting the week trying to learn and follow the minimalist 21 days to change practice, I've had some good contemplation time. I think I am on the right track in focusing on removing the clutter and junk, reducing purchases that are just mindless numbing and instant gratification, to elevate things of importance to higher status. I'll always be a worrier-I can't help that any more than Dylan could help being a rolling stone. But, the worry doesn't solve problems and really just fuels the angst. Minimalism-frugalism-non-consumerism are pretty buzz wordy right now, but I don't think it is a fad. There are plenty of folks still trying to keep up with the latest and greatest, or working harder and longer to try and move some mission forward. A mission that will get them to the same place we all arrive to in the end.
A former colleague died today, unexpectedly, following a stroke. A little over one year ago, she retired after decades of public service. Her Facebook posts were filled this last year of weekends and week days with family and friends, parties of other new retirees, a European vacation, and a lovely cabin by a lake retreat. I hope she had a good and happy life. I have no reason to think she didn't, I hope she travelled to the places she wanted to. I hope she had no regrets in any relationships she has left behind. It i sad, and I can't help feeling a bit angry at the unfairness of the timing.
I suppose the argument about spending and saving, spend while you earn it and enjoying life to the max, or living frugally and saving for retirement, might come down to where a person thinks their ball will land on the life roulette wheel. Will I have twenty or more years past retirement age, or will I have a brief few years or even months to do the "some day" things? I don't want to get to the end of my life and have regrets that I didn't do more with my life, but I also want to make sure I don't become a financial burden on my family. What is the right balance?
My post this morning was much the same vein, but now I have this real concrete kick 14 hours later. Minimalism in terms of acquiring stuff-no dilemma there. I don't need or want stuff. Fancy restaurant meals out and luxury vacations? Nope, don't need them either. But I do want experiences, and time with my family, and within my control, good health to fully immerse myself in those experiences. I want to laugh with friends at our local sports bar and enjoy our wine club nights. To do those, I'll pack a sandwich and brew my morning coffee at home most days. We will enjoy a movie out once in a while, but use Netflix, the library, and free TV for most of our film watching pleasure in order to make room for live theater tickets. We will budget for travel, but will research multiple configurations of travel and stay options. While on the trip, ore even day trips, stock up on granola bars and pretzels, and keep our water bottles filled to ward off temptation to buy overpriced food court snacks. Balance will continue to be a worry for me. I do mathematical exercises in my brain regularly trying -how do I get it right, and is there even such a thing as right?
Loss is inevitable in life. Yet, when it happens, the gut wrenching sadness can still be overwhelming. My dear friend lost her mother this week following a several year illness and a long draining final month. Mrs. L was one of the warm, caring people of the world who are almost ageless in their ability to befriend anyone they might meet. She was friends with my mom, her late husband was friends with my dad. Several of my siblings were friends of my friends siblings and two of my kids grew up with her grand kids. We have lifelong bonds, so I feel this loss more acutely than with other friends parents.
I remember hanging out as kids, and everyone loved being around her mom, never any awkward parent moments. As an adult, if I ran into her mom out and about on errands, we would chat away and soon half an hour would be gone, though it felt like just a few minutes. She always was eager to know news about everyone and shared the highlights of her family. As a person of faith, I am comforted to know my mom has her friend again in heaven.
Another loss, is our sweet little guinea pig. He was so full of crazy energy, rattling his cage when he wanted to hang out, and then suddenly he just passed. We have called the vet and looked on line and learned it is not an uncommon for guinea pigs to have heart issues and strokes. It has to do, I researched, with the domestication of essentially a wild animal and an unfortunate breeding dynamic. This is speculation-we did not have an autopsy. Pup seems really sad, and keeps going to the empty space where the cage was. As DD had another pig when we got pup, who passed away about nine months before we got this little guy, poor pup has experienced a loss of a friend twice. Of course DD is devastated. We will not replace pig due to her only being home for four more years, and the previous two pigs lived over 6 years.
My trial on living life with a glass half full attitude on Saturday really did help me wake up in good spirits on Sunday. I did as I had willed, tried it again on Sunday, despite learning my friends sad news. On Monday, we learned a financial issue that we thought was clean and done, has reared its head again, and needs to be put to rest for once and for all. It will be to the tune of $4,800. Tuesday we lost pig. And yet, I feel more optimistic this week about life overall than I have for a long time. I am sad, frustrated, and scared- no denying that. There is something though to pushing through the grief, the fear, the panic, and the anxiety to find something left in the glass to get me to the next refill.
