My attitude sucks sometimes, and I can hold onto negativity much longer than I should. I'm prone to melt downs that sometimes come over insignificant things because I've had enough of having to be tough for hard things. Yesterday was a good day. Tonight I am holding on by a thread. I'm having a night where the wrong word, the wrong look, the wrong thought coming out of someone could send me spewing volatile words, so I will hide away and hope my family has the good sense to see I need to be alone.
I met my sister-in-law tonight after work. This is the one that on Christmas, I finally let out pent up frustration about her interaction with my family. It went well enough, on the surface, the elephant in the room for future family gatherings expelled. However, I feel raw. While I won't say sociopath, her way of being able to manipulate reality into a new set of her own truths is amazing. I almost made myself sick on the drive home, rehashing her interpretation of past events, realizing it really was not going to end any other way than her being the victor-the sympathetic character in our estranged relationship. For the sake of DH, I'll pretend all is right when we are with extended family. I won't put myself in this vulnerable spot again though,and guarantee I will not accept as much as a toe over my personal boundary line the next time.
I don't do well with confrontation, even quietly verbal confrontation as this was. It drains me slowly until all I want to do is crawl in bed with covers over my head. If that isn't possible, the reverse happens, and the pressure builds until like I describe above, the thread snaps, and the lid is blown from the pot. I don't know if it is winter blues or natural response to stress, but I don't like that these melt down/blow up moments are happening more frequently. I need to find a simple release valve for the bad days.