Birthday Blues-Just a Bit

     It's my 54th birthday and I had the blues all weekend. Sometimes I get a little low and uninspired. It happened this summer around my work trip to New Orleans and started setting in on my work trip this past week. Saturday in particular was very hard as it would have been my mom's 92nd birthday, and yesterday was the 9th anniversary of her death, not too far after midnight. I missed my kids, all three as  DD1 was gone for the weekend and I didn't really talk with any of them. 

     I kept busy though to try and get out of my mood. I had planned last weekend, and then Saturday was going to pass on going my nephews basketball game. Then thought perhaps I should get out as that would maybe shake up my day. While it was nice to see him play, and  see my niece, his twin. spending the time with my mother-in-law was wearing. Then my sister-in-law and her husband stopped by the game as well and it was non-stop between her mom and herself talking about things and people I don't or barely know. Of course neither of them would have known or remembered my moms birthday or the anniversary of her death, so not their fault, but I felt very alone. Tonight though, I'm meeting DD1 for a special screening of  A Leaugue of Our Own-a mood lifter for sure.

     DH and I went for  appetizer and a shared small deep dish pizza, a gift through birthday perks, after he got home from work. That helped my mood a bit though I let him do most of the talking. We spent a nice day together yesterday as well and made a smallish dent on some shopping. Well, mostly he did the shopping as he had a reward perk through work and decided to not only replace the bedroom TV, but also bought a small one for the kitchen. Small is not the right word though as it is 32 inches, and I think way to big for the space. I didn't tackle things I wanted so do not feel very accomplished. We ate out at Red Robin, free birthday meal again, and Sunday night was leftovers from Saturday. I justified eating out twice as we had quite the birthday deals, so really it was like paying once. That's my story. 

     I have an 8:00 doctors appointment. I've had some recurring gynecological symptoms. Tests so far have been inconclusive, and seemingly unreliable because I've had both positive and negative results. Today's appointment is both retests, new tests and consultation. I feel like I've dodged so many health related bullets-getting diagnosed, but with lesser problematic and manageable versions. I'm worried my luck is running low. That's how I've felt this weekend, though weeks ago when making this appointment, I was feeling positive while realistic. Today I feel less so. probably because of the timing. I guess I just am unleashing all my inner insecurities onto the web page as talking out loud to anyone in my family feels like unnecessary worrying them. Once I know next steps then I'll talk. So here I am. 54 years old, and feel like my best bet to get through today and the weeks to come until I get a proper diagnosis, and if necessary, treatment plan,  is to  throw out all my fear  to my virtual friends. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow will be better.