Positively Tuesday-Life is Not Always Fair Edition

     

     Warning-heavier  post ahead. It's one of those mornings. My daughter and I saw Dear Evan Hansen last night-fiction, but so much hit me to prompt this post. I've been reminded very frequently in the past several days that life, and good things in life and heart ache, are not doled out equally. On the other hand, some people seem to have lucky horse shoes in their back pockets. I'm well aware what is public might not be reality, and all of us have our own woes and our own joys. Still, I'm tired of hearing about more weddings and more grand children, and more new homes and more vacations, and more promotions-whine, whine, whine. Life events are not equal, some people really do get the short end regularly, and others really do have golden tickets; life is not always fair. 

      At 55, I have days where I pity myself. The battles with depression, anxiety, and general malaise, the feelings of not fitting in are real to so many people in my life, including myself and it weighs on me, some days more than others. I thought I'd be doing more travelling, be making more money or at least have more disposable money, and not feel like I'm just on a hamster wheel at my job. I love the family I have, but hope so much for them that is out of my control. I wish I had a wider circle of close friends that now as empty nesters, we'd be unbeholden to our kids calendars. I thought I'd have plans every weekend, rather than too many boring weekends where DH is too tired to do anything but watch sports on TV. I'm tired of the physical pain in my knee that keeps me from doing as much local exploring as I'd like. I try though to get over the minor disappointments or at least set them aside to not overshadow things that are good. That's part of letting it out by whining on the computer. Sorry you are my unfortunate accomplice to this by reading. With this week's joys and simple pleasures, I'm trying to really think about how fortunate I am. Because, I truly am a lucky person from the perspective of likely 99.95 of women my age. Here's the positively Tuesday moments from the past week. . 

1. I wasn't feeling  like alcohol on Wednesday night at Trivia, but treated myself to take home crowlers (28 ounces in a large can) of the Gooseberry Seltzer. It is so tasty and I'm supporting the business without drinking that particular night. At the risk of sounding like a lush, I do feel at home at the brewery and really enjoy the Trivia nights.
2. After the icky commute to my office on Thursday, I am very appreciative that I'll only be going in one day per week. It affirmed that I will start the day early and end late, to avoid the worst of rush hour. 
3. I am very proud to know my old friend, who just published his book, Shelter in Place, Poems in a Time of Covid-19. Read more about it, and consider ordering here. Stan has been doing sidewalk and on-line concerts on Sundays throughout the pandemic as well, lifting spirits. When I was very sick back in 1997 and ended up with a tricky surgery, more follow up care and was laid up for many weeks while trying to be mom to my then 9 and 7 year old's, he mailed me  uplifting magazine or news stories, poems, and a mix of music CD's such as Dar Williams, throughout my recuperation. 
4. Bought myself the cheery mum at the top of the post. My daughter and I  both thought the purple would be a brightener on dreary fall days and we selected one with lots of budding yet to do. 
5. I also bought this $3 garland. I love how it gives the fireplace mantel a nice fall pop of color. I am putting out my other minimal fall items tonight, but I opened that when I got home to check the length-perfect. 
   
   
   
6. My children are each doing well right now in their school or  work life. All are busy, perhaps too busy, but considering the impact of so many people's livelihood and education experiences, I need to appreciate this for them. The youngest though is on pins and needles to see if she will be able to do her study abroad this spring.
7. Had a lovely morning with my daughter at the Veg Fest. My thoughtful daughter, when my knee was acting up after a few hours, went and got the car and picked me up, despite, me taking us on a weird way back towards the car. 
8. Knowing I wanted to see it, she also picked up complimentary tickets for us for last nights movie. I had not seen the play, though knew the premise and several of the songs in some way shape or form in  the years my other daughter was in show choir! (You will be found-the go to ballad in particular.)
9. Pup was funny about being walked in the rain yesterday so he did a quick piddle and wanted back in, but I knew when I got home he would really need his walk. Flashlight in hand, we had a good nighttime walk and I just listened to the late summer sounds around the pond. 
10. The rain we had off and on most of yesterday has been followed by blue sky's and sun this morning. I have a hole in my schedule between 10:00 and 12:30 and plan to get outside. The world seems OK when I look out the window. 

     I'll leave off here. I hope you have a tremendously positive Tuesday, and if like me, you're having a down day, that's OK too. Thanks for reading. 

Monday Spruce Up-My Anxiety and Help

     My anxiousness hit a high point yesterday that makes me worry I am developing an almost irrational fear of this virus. I've been trying to talk myself out of it, telling myself people are taking precautions around me, and if I just keep doing the same, I and my family will be protected. Then yesterday,  my nerves slowly became more unwired as the day at the lake went on. We got there and brought our stuff to our room, and as I have been, donned mask, and walked upstairs to say hello to my MIL with plans to then go outside, where I pretty much stay. My SIL was puttering around the kitchen getting things in crock post, same as all other years, opening drawers, refrigerator, the sink. An hour later though, DH, his siblings, and mom, with his aunt and Uncle on the phone had their annual cabin partnership meeting for the other cabin. My BIL, DH's sisters husband came out with coffee, and had the same expression I was sporting. All of them sitting around the table, no masks, totally voiding  both his and my concerns about our spouses honoring the social distancing and mask wearing. Their daughter and new grandson were there as well, though upstairs, floor where they have almost an isolated suite, so do not have to even share a bathroom with other family members. Our room is in the downstairs level, with two other bedrooms, and sharing essentially the bathroom with a family of six, none of who follow any of the same precautions we do. 

     The guys got the dock in, and I again stayed outside, only going in it to get things for our lunch, away from others, and use the bathroom. I use one near our room, Clorox disinfectant in hand. DH's mom came outside  mid-afternoon finally as it was perfect weather, and sat on a chair across from me. I subtly pushed my chair back a bit father to create a bit more distance, and then she started coughing uncontrollably. While I think she just got a big swallow of air that might have had a little dust or pollen, I could feel my hands start shaking. Irrational, I know. But she has declared her intention that she plans to live her life with as few restrictions as possible, and spends entire weekends with BIL's family. Not only who are of the mind set that this is no different than any other flu virus, their kids  interact with all their friends, and have started up in  youth activities, one of the higher  transmission arenas. I thought they were taking better precautions at least around others, but sure weren't this weekend-never saw a single one put on a mask, even with a baby being inside. We left by 5:00, and all I wanted was to be home. I didn't go to my sisters even though all were outside. 

     I'm sure my anxiousness will calm down today, I feel better just typing out why I felt so much anxiety yesterday. There are just days when it flares up. I need to go to the grocery store, but I know exactly what I need, will go through the aisles quick and get home. I've been online with our EAP program, bookmarking some of the videos and resources on  anxiety. I scheduled a brief video consultation for tomorrow with someone who specializes in situational anxiety. I may seek out additional help if the number of bad days increase, or I continue to feel overwhelmed. I think it has caught up to me that I am taking so many of the panic and frustration  filled calls at work. Add to it, my worries with my son in California where there seems to be nothing but bad news with heatwaves, and fires, and the virus spikes, and concern for my daughter at college and the spikes in cases through out the country, and concern for my middle child's own mental health, it's just  a lot right now, as it is for everyone. The divisiveness in the country and how public health has become such a politically polarizing issues has my head spinning. I need to acknowledge that it has gotten to me, get a bit of help, and remember I can only control my own actions and reactions. Blogging continues to be a release-both writing and reading posts and comments. Thanks for being part of my help

Contemplation

Since starting the week trying to learn and follow the minimalist 21 days to change practice, I've had some good contemplation time.  I think I am on the right track in focusing on removing the clutter and junk, reducing purchases that are just mindless numbing and instant gratification, to elevate things of importance to higher status.  I'll always be a worrier-I can't help that any more than Dylan could help being a rolling stone. But, the worry doesn't solve problems and really just fuels the angst. Minimalism-frugalism-non-consumerism are pretty buzz wordy right now, but I don't think it is a fad.  There are plenty of folks still trying to keep up with the latest and greatest, or working harder and longer to try and move some mission forward. A mission that  will get them to the same place we all arrive to in the end.

A former colleague died today, unexpectedly, following a stroke.  A little over one year ago, she retired after decades of public service.  Her Facebook posts were filled this last year of weekends and week days with family and friends, parties of other new retirees, a European vacation, and a lovely cabin by a lake retreat. I hope she had a good and happy life.  I have no reason to think she didn't, I hope she travelled to the places she wanted to.  I hope she had no regrets in any relationships she has  left behind. It i sad, and I can't help feeling a bit angry at the unfairness of the timing.

I suppose the argument about  spending and saving, spend while you earn it and enjoying life to the max, or living frugally and saving for retirement, might come down to where a person thinks their ball will land on the life roulette wheel. Will I have twenty or more years past retirement age, or will I have a brief few years or even months to do the "some day" things? I don't want to get to the end of my life and have regrets that I didn't do more with my life, but I also want to make sure I don't become a financial burden on my family.  What is the right balance? 

My post this morning was much the same vein, but now I have this real concrete kick 14 hours later. Minimalism in terms of acquiring stuff-no dilemma there. I don't need or want stuff. Fancy restaurant meals out and luxury vacations? Nope, don't need them either. But I do want experiences, and time with my family, and within my control, good health to fully immerse myself in those experiences. I want to laugh with friends at  our local sports bar and enjoy our wine club nights. To do those, I'll pack a sandwich and brew my morning coffee at home most days. We will enjoy a movie out once in a while, but use Netflix, the library, and free TV for most of our film watching pleasure in order to make room for live theater tickets. We will budget for travel, but will research multiple configurations of travel and stay options.  While on the trip, ore even day trips, stock up on granola bars and pretzels, and keep our water bottles filled to ward off temptation to buy overpriced food court snacks. Balance will continue to be a worry for me.  I do mathematical exercises in my brain regularly trying -how do I get it right, and is there even such a thing as right?  

Today's Weather Outlook

Today's Weather Outlook

July 24, 2015

"Sizzling heat, flooding downpours, and even a couple severe thunderstorms will be familiar mid-summer headlines across much of the U.S. for the final day of the week."

I'm waking up to the sound of thunder. This little gem above is the doppler for my neck of the woods. So I am debating working from home a few hours and heading in mid morning, or quickly hopping in the shower and try to be ahead of it. I have a meeting early afternoon so a complete telecommuting day won't work. The weather though is a good reflection on how I woke up this morning.  I'm not outright storming inside, but there are rumbles of fears, discontent, worry and anxiety thundering around my mind, and right through to my stomach. 

Is there a real connection to mood and mindset and the weather? I am usually not bothered much by rain and thunder. I get the best night of sleep when I fall asleep to, or gently wake, and then drift off again to the sound of rain. Normally I love the drama of thunder and lightning when  I'm safely  out of it, and can cuddle at home, or happily plant myself in my little work office and hear the show. I hate driving in it though, and this mornings timing on top of a more chaotic commute than ever due to construction, has me frazzled before I am out of my pj's. 

I've the weather malaise in my head right now, and trying hard to shake off the rolling negative and worried thoughts from a restless night. Is DD#2 going to break out of her utter shyness and successfully transition into high school? She saw a classmate after her violin lesson last night and practically crawled into her case at the thought of being noticed. Will DS, who is between regular projects at the moment and living hand to mouth through day jobs, land something stable before the end of the month? He's been out west for  eight months, and not yet close to being stable. Will DD#1 be able to stay on at the end of the summer, and finally have the opportunity she has worked so  hard for and given up so much? She wants to stop wandering from job to job and put down roots, and will need to be proactive. Like her mom, she also faces anxiousness in times of stress. Are we saving enough for the retirement we want?  Though, at the same time, are we  making the most of our current life and not only planning for the future?  Is DH's health good? He is overdue for a physical, and has looked very tired lately. Are we experiencing enough moments of joy now? Why can't  I stop letting the idiosyncrasies of extended family bother me, and not let them interfere with our family life? Will my head stop the tape of worry, and just let things be?

There. I feel better getting it off my brain and on a keyboard. Today will unfold like the others. The sun is about to rise, but masked by the storm clouds. I now hear the pitter patter of rain on the deck washing off the dust and bird mess I noticed last night was everywhere. DH got the lawn mowed yesterday morning, and this rain will be thirstily drank up. We'll have a lushness to the yard that we haven't had in a few years this late in July. 

We just had a crack of lightning followed by a boisterous rolling thunder.  I'm tucked into my favorite corner of the living room, afghan on my lap and think I should get a batch of muffins in the oven and a cup of coffee brewed. Today's weather outlook...will be just fine.

It Was Truly Independance Day

This weekend was the The 4th of July, the holiday of holidays for summer loving Americans.  We observed much the same way as we usually do with family and friends at a cabin, eating, swimming, water play, boats, and fireworks.  Pup was not a fan, so he and I called it quits by 11:00 or so, taking him to a more quieter area.  I was pretty beat, so did not spend the remaining hours of the morning consuming massive quantities of alcohol or as is my norm, babysitting those that do.  It is an odd thing-not the young adults that partake to extreme, but  40 and 50 somethings.  I have shared that I often get wound up internally when I have too much time with extended family.  By the evening, I had pretty much reached my limit and was spending time with the young kids, the dog, and in quiet.  It was needed for my own stability. 

Pup needing to get away meant I got a fairly good night sleep as well, and could enjoy Sunday. DH described to me what he thought it was that  was so difficult for me with a couple family members in particular.  He held out his hands evenly and said.  "This is  __ and __'s norm.  If anyone deviates from their norm, they go on attack mode.  Now attack mode might be strong, but there is this belligerent, condescending, inquisition, that makes the person on the receiving end of what these two think is conversation, feel like they are defending themselves, their beliefs, their actions, and their purpose.  While I've pretty much been able to hold my own, it is exhausting. I got what DH meant, and decided I was going to just ignore, not respond, or change the subject if she or he started.  And oh did she start, and was right foul at getting in others faces. It didn't help that Saturday she was inebriated and Sunday hungover. I chose not to go on a pontoon ride, but lazed in the sun.  It was glorious.  Of course I got, "Why aren't you coming? You want to come. You don't want to stay here..."  Each time I responded, "I'm good." and I truly was. The ironic thing is her catch phrase, so she says, is "Live and let live," or as I now joke seems to really mean, "Live as I say to live."

You can pick your friends, but family just is part of the inheritance package.  It has taken me a long time as an adult to realize though that just because you are family, does not mean you have to spend significant amount of time with those that disrespect your being.  As neither will change, it is easier, and I lose nothing, by disengaging.  I don't really care that they think my ways are not the norm, or that I raise my kids, or dog, or work , or play, in ways that do not align with their personal views. Time with them is but mere moments, and I will blissfully ignore the noise.  I will leave you with a few random Independance Day  photo's.  

Beating of Drums

Anxiety attacks can hit me anytime.  Some people experience them so regularly that it is difficult for them to participate frequently in ordinary life.  I am fortunate in that my bouts are far between, and I often can recognize the early stages and remove myself from the situation that might be the trigger.  Family gatherings often do this for me, and those that go on for more than three hours are a regular trigger.  Knowing this, I try to time things and stay in the general vicinity from arrival to leaving.  Unfortunately, holidays are harder to keep to that window.  Yesterday  the hours seemed to stretch and there was no where for me to find a few moments of quiet to collect my head.  By the time we had gotten home, I had no resiliency left and my heart was beating harder than drums out of my chest and my lungs couldn't get any air. 

I love my family, but I find the gatherings chaotic and borderline panic inducing. I am envious when I hear from friends that it is going to just be themselves for Easter, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving. It hasn't helped that while even though I come from a large family, we all were quite introverts, and gladly retired to spaces of our own, no questions asked, when the noise and gatherings became too much. We have things like Christmas eve appetizers and dinners, and then folks move on.  Easter is a simple brunch, with most of the day still available for relaxing with your immediate family or alone. Any gathering that hits four hours is considered an "all day event", but rarely do holidays go so long. I married into a family of just the opposite. Family events are orchestrated, with roles assigned, and forced conversation starters. The holiday dinner table starts feeling like those corporate meeting ice breakers, with a couple of DH's siblings playing facilitator. There doesn't seem to be a lot of organic conversations,  just a series of interviews. Any departure that hasn't been preordained, under the six hour mark, is met with, "Leaving so early.  We didn't even have time to talk."

Admittedly, these gatherings progressively bring out my worst characteristics. The dwelling on the innocuous statements or hearing something as belittling or insulting that two hours earlier would have rolled off me with a laugh. My interpretation of hypocrisy is heightened, and I grow more and more intolerant (though of course keep it all inside to fester) of statements made that are far from my core beliefs. These things happen in my family, but there I feel like I can say, "Wait a minute.  I disagree with you and here is why..." without feeling like I'll then be put on trial to defend myself. 

Easter is always a hard one for me because of it falling on a Sunday, after the kids have had some extra days off school, but invariably procrastinated school work until Sunday night. There is no extra day off after the family gathering to decompress before back to the work week. We also had DH's mother with us, so felt like we needed to be on her time table. That was last night.  I crashed about 9:00 emotionally and physically exhausted, but with an anxious loop keeping me from good sleep.  I'm typing this at 3:37 a.m., unsuccessfully trying to fall back to sleep since waking up at 1:00. I think I may have made myself tied enough to try again.  I hope the drums can stop at least until the alarm sounds.