Whenever something rooted in hate and evil happens in the world, I get down, depressed, convinced it is hopeless and no matter how good a life someone tries to lead, it all comes down to chance, which no one controls. I know I tend to feel western acts of terrorism and violence much more acutely; my heart goes out to those impacted by the horror in London; still I know parts of the world these events are weekly and daily occurrences. Good people, living their normal lives, doing nothing but being human. Bad people with the power.
Those same days, I'll be in a grocery store line, reading the tabloid headlines, the highlights of the rich and famous and think what did these simpletons do to deserve their wealth? I heard the latest about a woman I knew from high school, self important and down right mean to others back then, having married a rich man who dotes on her every whim, while learning about one of the sweetest people I know losing her job, needed as she carried insurance, with a husband with heart disease. Sometimes life doesn't feel just unfair, it seems downright cruel. Those that are willing to manipulate the system, tread on others, will hold the power, leaving the meek crumbs. Karma never seems to make an appearance to some.
Yet, who am I to decide who is a good person and who is a bad person? I'm sure, unwillingly or not, I have done wrong to others. I've been the beneficiary of luxuries, that I did nothing to earn. I don't know how people lead their lives off the newspaper tabloid covers or the happy hour talk. As the line goes, everyone is fighting their own battles.On days when my mood is low, it is real easy for me to get envious, no, downright jealous, of the great things that are happening in the lives of people I've deemed in my head less deserving. I dislike that quality in me, the pettiness. I go from that mood, to guilt. I ask, why do I, such an undeserving soul, have so much? When the moods pass, I go back to just trying to make decisions that are good, right for me and my family, that have either no impact, or a good impact on others, and go on with life. With just a few exceptions, there are not good people or bad people, just people. With hope, me and others when fortunate enough to be part of those that have good things happening, will step up to help mitigate the bad stuff for others.
Years ago I went to some training around team building and the various stages groups go through before they are a well running unit. The four stages are forming, storming, norming, and performing. I don't know about your life, but the various teams I've been a part of have been so dynamic in recent years, they never seem to get beyond the storming part when someone resigns, moves to a different project and the cycle starts all over again. I get it the four stages, but perhaps it is a bit antiquated in the professional world now.
I think about this analogy time to time though in my personal life lens in trying to establish and work towards my goals. It has been a slow train in even forming my inner team of resources since deciding on my job change two years ago. I know my focus need to be health, relationships, financial stability, organization and personal growth, not necessarily in that order. I think I may be getting there. However, the storming part feels like it has been in full gear. Deaths, illness, financial strain, job instability, and stress with extended family has all taken its toll on the normalizing I long for. I'm not even yet thinking what life will be like if I am performing as I would like.
But then again, maybe this is total crap analogy and our lives don't fit into motivational speaker boxes. Maybe life is in constant flux and I need to just grab what works, weather the storms, and realize normal is not well, normal. The major down side of recuperating for an extreme introspect like me, is that without the physical chaos, my mind just thinks, and thinks, and doesn't shut down. Will we be able to retire within 10 years? Will DD get into a college of her choice and will we be able to afford it? Are the grown up kids happy in their lives? Is DS going to settle down with a regular sort of job, or will he live his hand to mouth lifestyle indefinitely? Is DD1's boyfriend right for her? Is she happy? Can I just spend time with my in laws and let all the snarkiness roll off me? It never end in my brains.
Today I hope to just DO. Christmas eve is four weeks from today, and while I don't want to stress about what should be getting done, creating a list and carrying it out will be just what I need to get out of my own head. I'm tackling laundry and other basic house chores, and hope to focus tomorrow on decorating the house. I have four weeks of "normal" again when DH, DD2, and I are back to our home, work, school extra curricular routine. Normal, whatever that is, I'm looking forward to you.
