Second Feels Pretty Sad-Talking Careers

In the spirit of "my blog is my own and I can write what I feel", this post is a getting it all off my chest kind of post. I won't be offended, heck, I won't even know, if you close your window right now. On Friday I received the official notice that I didn't get the other job in the partner organization. My dear friend N did get it, and I am happy for her. Between the two of us, she was by far the best fit. She had also been in the running, was still in the running, for the dream job, but has taken herself out of that since accepting the promotion. When the person that would have been my boss called, she was full of appreciation that I applied and interviewed, gave me feedback that it was a very difficult decision, and that she hopes I will consider other opportunities there. She told me that she and the others on the interview team valued my expertise and skills tremendously. I've known her for over twenty years as a genuine person, so don't think this was just to soften the rejection. She also opened the door to discuss my  longer term goals. If you remember, this was the job that I wasn't even sure I wanted, and that in many ways would be only lateral for me. Quite frankly, the job should have been meant for N all along, but requirements to post and interview, plus the potential that N would not want it, was there. Yet, once I got off the call, I sat for a minute or two, and then tears welled up and rolled down my face. 

Yeah, how I felt after the call.

I've never thought I lived my life in terms of winners and losers, but for the past 10 years I have felt like the harder I have worked, the more likely I am to finish second best. I'm in education, but  in education policy, not direct teaching or administration in schools. Anything policy related seems to reward young and hungry to make a mark (regardless if really making a difference), and for the first 18 years or so of my career, I must have stood out as such. I was hired as a manager  before 30 when on paper there should have been better candidates, and received two promotions over the next 11 years. 

Then it all halted. I was second runner up to the top position, and my career, it feels like, started the downhill skid. I was now past 40, possibly perceived (as DH conjectured) by my now new boss as a threat. Any career moves needed to be lateral or higher, but I was demoted structurally through a reorganization that brought in a first class A-hole to lead operations. I made the decision to take a new external position that I thought was lateral, but turns out, was overly glorified in the posting and in recruiter conversations. Once I took it, I have learned that young and hungry have the clout. You either come brand new to the organization as a manager or higher, or you will stay in the bowels of cubicles until you retire, unless, you start young and take every hint of an opportunity. Then, you are earmarked as the cultivated future, and managers jump through hoops to keep them happy. It is a bizarre culture in which people who came to the organization as already recognized experts, but not in a managerial role, are literally locked until they leave or retire, on the rung of the ladder they came in on.

Gosh I sound like a bitter old pill! I wrote last Monday that I had already realized I didn't get the job do to the length of time of not hearing anything. I was going to put forth renewed focus and energy on doing my job well, and potentially influencing the way work happens in our division. That still goes;I have no other option. I can't help that the official rejection stings, and I'm feeling like a worn out shoe. I'm good for kicking around in a muddy garden pulling weeds, and planting flowers. But when time comes for the dance, I'll be put aside in a corner while the fresh little kitten heels come out along with the flowers I planted and cared for being carried in a bouquet. I hate that I've tried to make my career not matter, but it still does, a lot. Second feels pretty sad.

A Little Competition Amongst Friends

After my recruiter interview, I wasn't going to say more until there was actually news to share, but I have a snippet. After work I met up with a group of work colleagues both in my agency and our partners to celebrate the end of a four plus year grant. Even before I started my job, I was involved in this project so have been there since the beginning. Over margaritas, beers, chips and guacamole, I learned not only is one of my immediate co-workers also in the mix for the position, another colleague is as well. I won't go into how it came up, but I looked around the room and thought, dang, I bet at least 50% of these people could have been on a recruiter list for the position. 

I've mentioned it is a small world field, smaller when really good jobs come up. For example, while I was recruited for the job I have, the two people that took my former restructured position were undoubtedly recruited for those. I would place bets that both their names came up to this recruiter, as they are well respected and skilled (they're just not me.). Of course, many people are not looking at changing jobs, or even if they would consider it, this type of position would not appeal to many. I also think there are specific experiences and competencies that  vary amongst talented and successful professionals in the same field, that will make some of us better candidates than others. Still, it also comes down to fit, and the impression made upon the recruiter. As much as I still think my background fits the position extremely well, if they just didn't connect with me, or didn't feel the client would, I may be done in the process.

I have been keeping my hopes low, and the expanded pool of insiders has me placing those hopes all the way on the bottom shelf. Interestingly, a newly position has just come up at the second colleagues work place, one that I would think she not only would be perfect for, the people hiring would be entirely blind not to put her in it, if she so applied. I might have a tangential interest myself, but she most definitely would be a better fit. For me, while it would be a hierarchical move by title and breadth of authority, in terms of functions, pay, and benefits, would probably be just lateral, so that is why my interest is lukewarm. In my field of work, it is a small world, positioning us for a little competition amongst friends.

Finding Our Paths

DS turns 27 today.  I vainly was pleased whenever I heard, "You don't look old enough to have a 26 year old." I don't know if I will feel different about 27, being a stone's throw from 30.  At 27, I had already purchased two homes, was raising two children, and was working as a parent education specialist at a non profit, charged with supporting teen mothers so that they stayed in school. I had a lot of responsibility at now what feels like a young age. My son is on a day to day existence employment wise.  Recently though he's decided he is now going to sideline his primary aspirations to find something in any field that is stable and consistent, and keep working on his photography and film around that. The angst of unstable housing at the end of November made him look less starry eyed at how his career path was going.  

There are so many paths life takes a person on. Taking a new route doesn't mean the end destination is out of reach. I don't want him, or any of my kids to feel like they made mistakes in their life because they aren't living their dream right at that given moment. If and when they make a poor decision, I hope they realize they can make different decision at any time to set a new course. Granted some routes are harder to change than others, particularly when you have another or several people on the path with you.  He and I discussed that yesterday.  He has friends from high school and family members that took a job, for many, one they really dislike, fairly soon after either high school or college graduation, started a family and perhaps bought a house, and now are for the moment, set on a specific path. Dreams shift and can take a different form as a person matures, but jump starting is harder to do when others need to jump with you. I think of a young dad expecting child number four, and between regular and overtime, he is working 50+ hours a week, holidays and weekends.  While I don't know this is the case, it seems like his efforts are basically to support his wife's dream of a big house, private school, and mom's club status. I'm sure he is happy, but this is not where his life was heading just seven years ago before marriage and family, and to go back on that path is unrealistic.

While DS had hoped at 27 he would be more settled, re-calibrating his life choices impacts himself alone.  He can work a 40 hour a week job, and if he chooses, right now can also work another 40 hours independently pursuing his preferred field.  He doesn't have home maintenance or child care to worry about right now. And while he wouldn't rule out having a significant other in his life, it isn't a priority. He started putting resumes out again, in a wider net of businesses. As much as I profess worrying, I really am not.  He is on a course to some destination, and in time, will arrive, at least for that moment, where he should be. 

Free Lance

Freelance:A person who pursues a profession independently, and not as the employee

 of an organization. Definition from The Collaborative International Dictionary

I love the term freelance.  The idea of being able to market  a talent or a skill, and then be able to select which job offers best meet your interest, time, and financial needs. Had I not made the change to my current job, I was on the verge of calling it quits anyway, and strike it on my own. Needing decent health insurance and  kid number three to put through college made the idea impractical and frightening, but not any more than continuing to work in an atmosphere of stress and pressure. My son, is a freelancer, though more because he is trying to establish his career, rather than having the luxury of picking and choosing what jobs he takes.

Even though I enjoy my job and the increased time it has allowed me, I want to develop a five year plan, that makes the option of self employment viable. In five years, I maximize all the long term benefits this job had to offer, things that impact my short term cash flow, but have massive long term features, so to jump before then would be short sighted. We have a savings goal of having all the tuition and room and board for DD#2 secured by or within her first year, of college. This is an essential part of the five year plan. There is the unknown of what college she picks and how much tuition inflates, but we're basing the goal on the cost to send our other two, with inflation. The big change in cash flow makes this an overwhelming task, but not impossible, since we have contributed something since she was born, just not enough.

Exploring what to '"freelance in, is part of my challenge. I have done a fair amount of project development and launch. There could be some gigs in that, particular in the fledgling non-profit sector where funding for start up and pilot programs are plenty, but sustainability funding is tough. There is a need for people that can hit the ground running, develop systems and operating procedures, and then exit, having helped the organization incorporate the work with existing personnel or funding streams. Essentially this is what my current position is, though the expectation is this will be a growing program with not just sustaining but increased investment. There is also the fund and resource development arm, territory I also have a back ground, though would not be apparent on my resume, through job titles. I'm helping a friend right by doing the leg work and grant writing for a program component for a very small charitable organization that she has started. I've done volunteer efforts like this in the past with success.

The charm right now is that I can explore possibilities, while feeling like I have a safety net under me. Nothing is a given though, so exploring and envisioning a freelance career is a safety net in and of itself. There is no such thing as a secure position and anyone can be made redundant at any time. Keeping the door open for self employment, freelancing, would help me know I have a back-up plan should one be needed. For those of you that made the decision to be self employed, what was the biggest challenge in making the change?  What keeps you awake at night?  If others are like me, exploring but not yet ready to strike out on  your own what is holding you back?  

picture from dreamstime.com

 

Career Trade-offs

Good for you if you found just what you were looking for the first go on your career.  For many of us, it is a full adult process to figure out what we want to do.  I have landed in education, a field that generally stirs my soul, but some days and weeks even, there are holes and gaps.  I like to think my hobbies fill that time.  Up until I started this blog, and a few other little side projects involving writing, my holes were filled with coaching.  My knees and skill level, as well as my tolerance to handle the ultra competitiveness from some sports folks, has gladly moved me into retirement. I am happy where I am for now in my job, but am making a five year plan.  At five years, I will be fully vested, unless something goes amiss. DD#2 will be out of high school and we won't feel bound to stay in the community we live.  The two older kids are unlikely to settle in this immediate area, and we are game to travel. I will miss extended family and friends, but as my generation becomes grandparents and their immediate families fill their days and nights, I don't know how much regular interaction we'd have anyway.

Our older kids have made many trade-offs in pursuing ultra competitive, and very unstable careers in the arts. Both seem to be able to pay their bills for now, but with nothing left over, but big dreams.  Still, they knowingly made the trade off, seeing sometimes how miserable people are when they have played it safe and taken the job with nothing to move their passions. DS tried the safe route for about 15 months, and according to him, he was suffocating. With his immediate responsibilities being he, himself, and him, he had nothing to lose but pride to pack up and go another direction. He probably feels like he took years of steps backward, but had he not tried safe first, he might not have truly decided he could live with the trade offs of little free time, and even littler extra cash for a shot at a career in television and film.

DD#1 also veered differently than she had in her head 6 years ago before her first year of college.  She has intentionally tried a variety of endeavors from living in a different country, on the west coast, in an RV travelling the US, and now a small town summer job, combining her love of film, with working with troubled youth. She is young, and can take this time to figure it out. She has friends from high school, some married, some longing to be married, and she is 100% focused on finding her own path, even if the trade-off for now is relocation and uprooting 3-4 times a year. 

So where am I going with this ramble? A friend posted a link to a news article about Peace Corp for baby boomers.  It has really peaked my interest.  If kids fresh out of college can make huge contributions to economically struggling parts of the world, imagine what people with decades of life and work experience could do? Then there are things like Teach for America, or City Year.  Americorp has Reading Corp and then there are Vista opportunities to be immersed in a different field of social service. I've been thinking paid volunteerism, an oxy moron I know, might be part of my not quite ready to retire plan. Quite frankly, it is doing without sponsored health insurance that is my real fear in trading off stable employment for full blown volunteerism in an early retirement option. While now, I need the decent income as well, our lifestyle in all other ways can be drastically down sized post empty nest, but trying to cover health insurance would be a deal breaker. That is part of the appeal of these opportunities.

For now, I am fortunate to have a job I like, that I feel makes a positive difference. I don't feel like I am just punching a clock, and that is incredibly important to me. Maybe this is all part of my turning 50 thing, and feeling like I need to do something incredible with the years I have left. I'll noodle these around in my head for a while. Check back in with me in four years and I'll let you know if I put anything into action.

Read or listen to MPR Marketplace: Peace Corps wants baby boomers.