Rachel at living better One Day at a Time started Saturday gratitude posts. I had quite a lengthy whine comment, but tried to flip to a more positive stance. Gratitude can be like that. We know we should be grateful for whatever we have in life, but at the same time, little things that hurt the quality of our days, our relationships, our budgets often make having gratitude feel a bit strained. I mean it should be easy to have gratitude that I have a good job and live in a house that is paid for instead of bemoaning the long commute and household clutter, but yet I often don't. I've been thinking on this and perhaps have realized that the ability to choose gratitude might also be a bit of a luxury. I mean, a family that needs to utilize a food shelf and accepts donations so their kids have clothes have to exude gratefulness for such humble needs being met? Should it not be a human right?
The fact that I have never had to financially rely on the kindness of strangers, at least in my memory, is in fact a luxury. Therefore whenever I am given a gift, a token of extra, resources beyond my needs, darn right I should be gracious and have a heart full of gratitude. While I plan and hope to meet my families financial goals, it can't be at the expense of our continued, if minimal, support to organizations that help people in need. Yet, to not acknowledge we have the luxury of choosing to do so, is being ungrateful. A family accepting a bag or two of groceries and a clothing voucher without gushing praise and thankfulness is not being ungrateful. Families and individuals displaced by the Christmas Day fire at the Drake hotel, most already in a position of housing insecurity before the fire, are not being ungrateful for requesting that donations be given directly to them, rather than through a third party intermediary to take care of needs. They've seen what happens when red tape and extra bureaucracy get's in the way-they and their children go longer without the basic needs of life.
I've been frustrated with my niece and her lack of follow through and seemingly excuse making as we try and lift up supports to get her through her latest bump. I'm frustrated that she has shown no indication that she understands the financial implications of us collectively paying bills and providing basic needs for her, a 45 year old woman. She hasn't uttered a single thank you for the hours many of us have spent helping her apply for jobs, taking her to appointments, picking her up and returning her from family events. I realize though, perhaps too slowly, I have the luxury to be frustrated because I start with the luxury of not having been in her situation, even if so much was self created originally. Again, it's easy to be grateful when you are not struggling to figure out how to just live. I hope I show better patience in the coming weeks and months, and remember to be grateful that I actually can decide when and where to help.
I think you have every right to be frustrated with your niece. Yes she has been through a rough time but seemingly many of her problems are of her own making right? And in the end she is a 45 year old woman with children, not a teenager, so maybe she should start to grow up. I may sound hard but having experienced something similar it seems to me that some people are happy to let you go on "sorting them out" rather than take their own life in hand. And as a minimum I think she owes you a "thank you"!
ReplyDeleteI agree, if she hasn't gotten her life together by now, when?
DeleteShe has no children, fortunately, so her problems currently impact her alone. Who knows, she may never get her life together, but what happens then? Do you throw family aside?
DeleteNo you can't do that. But at some point they need to at least try to stand on their own two feet. At least go look and apply for jobs themself.
DeleteAfter reading what you posted to Hawaii Planner I would probably do as your doing.
DeleteI guess I was sort of vague on all that is and has been going on, so no worries about your good and firm suggestions. Believe me if we could be more tough love, we would. We do not do cash directly to her. One sister (aunt) does budget reviews with her, indulging looking at bank statements and spending receipts.It might seem invasive, but if she is needing family support, we need to make sure HE is not getting his hands on anything.
DeleteI agree with both points. It can be hard to feel gratitude when you are so caught up with everything that feels like it's going wrong. I also don't remember the full details of your niece's situation. There could be a variety of factors - lack of initiative, depression, frustration, bad habits of letting others help her vs getting back into her own driven groove, etc.
ReplyDeleteIs there a possibility of having a kind but direct conversation with her, that you want to continue to help, but you think there is more she can be doing (either through actions or attitude) that will set her up for better long term success?
Oh believe me, there have been multiple interventions. She has struggled with depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, and quite frankly laziness, but also mental abuse by her first husband, and scammed out of her inheritance by her second husband who gambled it all away. She would have plenty of places to live for free, just to contribute to the household, but she has two large dogs and a cat and will not leave her babies behind and no one in the family can take on that menagerie.
DeleteI should also add, she has struggled with a learning disability. Things that should be common knowledge escape her.She struggles with simple math and reading comprehension, which I think made her easy prey. When her parents were alive, I am sure they did so much on her behalf that we never realized.
DeleteI sincerely thank anyone who helps me. Even though I don't have much, I still try to help others. I took a girl in hand who was a stripper, mother of a girl of 3. She was the daughter of a friend. He asked me to help him get her in GED. I treated her with utmost respect. In the end, she quit stripping, got a factory job, married, and had children who all seem to be okay in life. Her father thanked me profusely. Since this occurred 30 years ago, I have the benefit of seeing long-term what happened. My acceptance of her while I helped her seemed to work. Oh, I did give bits of advice in on sentence and let it drop. Of course, your situation is different.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a couple mom's when I taught preschool that stripped, as they were also single moms and trying to go back to school. I know one of them made good money, paid her bills, and ended up doing well for herself. While I personally could not have done what she felt she needed to do to pay her bills, she was a good mom, treated us teachers with respect and vice versa.
DeleteI have little patience with ingratitude, though I am guilting of it myself at times. It is one of the behaviors, which when my kids exhibit, elicits an almost over the top reaction. For instance, when they were younger, if they whined about the food at the table, they were immediately removed from the table, and sent to bed for the night with nothing but water (from the bathroom even) until the next day. I still see signs of ingratitude when they will make comments about the design in this house, or remarks comparing their lot to others, and let me tell you, I do not react kindly.
ReplyDeleteI think gratitude only comes when one realizes what work is--be it career, studying, housework or practice. As a kid, I think dance helped me with gratitude--I learned early on that if I wanted to be good, I had to practice. That mindset transferred to school--if I wanted top marks, I needed to study. Then, I began to recognize that others who had achieved things I admired did so through hard work...eventually it dawned on me that somebody loaning me a pen in class, or giving me a ride was a real act of generosity. How to get that concept instilled in another person is beyond me, other than showing gratitude myself.
We do reflect what others see, don't we. Respect and gratitude go a long way together.
DeleteI agree with most of what you are saying - some things are basic necessities of life. I know of people who quit volunteering at a food bank because no one ever said thank you (I had a hard time believing that though). Just be aware with regard to your niece, not knowing her situation. If you look for jobs for her versus her doing it it will not end well. I have a stepdaughter which sounds like your niece. The second the family steps back and says you are on your own she steps up. Weird, I know but sometimes people who love drama do better when left to their own devices.
ReplyDeleteYeah-I would love that to be the case, that she would step up. History though has she completely fell apart on more than one occasion and had to be hospitalized. We are not directly trying to get her a job, but sending her the ads, and helping her apply as she doe snot have internet access. She has an interview Wednesday-fingers crossed- for the school district in the food service area.
Deletebeing continually aware of gratitude is a very fine thing indeed.
ReplyDeleteIt is a joy to feel gratitude I find. Knowing people felt enough about me for a kindness, regardless of the size or effort, feeds my ego a bit.
DeleteThe poor, yes shall always have with you. This is the difference between us and them. Poor is a state of mind, with very little gratitude and skills.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, poor is often no food in the cupboards as well as a state of mind. It also can be a hard cycle because being poor is expensive.
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